Matchmaking site messages

Last night, while I was out, I got that panicky feeling of 'uh-oh, did I leave the haandi on?' but dismissed it, because I often think I've done that or that I've left windows open, or the door unlocked etc etc. Only I came home to find the pot bubbling away - the food wasn't even burnt. I had been out of the house for hours - it could have been really bad. It was one of those big 'alhumdulillah!' moments.

So I exchanged a few messages with a 32 year old guy on one of the Muslim matchmaking sites. It seemed to be going ok, but when I asked him about whether he or his family had any dealbreakers with respect to a marriage partner, at first he said he didn't understand what that meant, the when I explained, his reply was that he wouldn't know how how to answer that so we weren't on the same wavelength, 'but you sound really nice.' I was a bit bemused lol. I can only assume that he got scared away that I was asking serious questions. I don't really expect to meet someone through these sites now - I've actually never physically met anyone through them, and the majority of messages are just silly or weird e.g:

title: u r my Dreamgirl??? 

I saw ur profile and it did attracted me cause of great personality ,How are u doing,Do you know that men and women are angels created with only one wing? And they need to embrace each other to be able to fly... I Hope to find my angel whom i can fly with forever.Inshallah
so i need to talk kindly tell me its possible or not?waiting 4 your reply...

I sent him a polite no thanks message and he said:

Hi
I am currently living in Karachi Pakistan having a reasonable job, however my cousin is in UK on migrant visa. he can meet your family on my behalf and can process further. I would be very gratefull if you consider to have a discussion with him also, he can explain about me and definitely you can always ping me for any thing.

waiting for your reply.

Regards

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title: romantic and openminded

i how are you? I liked your profile.

You seem really nice. Please have a look at my profile and let me know if you would like to have a chat ?

I only joined this a few months ago and not used it much.

How are you finding it? I am easy going guy, sporty,fun adventurous, Love to travel too and I can cook well too lol I know how to make nice aloo prathas so not really looking for someone to be tied to the cooker like most Asian guys lol Looking for someone I can enjoy life with! What about you ?

What did you get upto this week ? I was at my massage course this morning ...my last class next week almost complete my 8 week course. Just learning for personal interest.Today
learnt how to do Thai massage and the last 3 weeks sensual aromotherpy massage and learnt how to mix
different oils ... not my full time job lol. I enjoy it it's been fun. Apart from that been working and doing family stuff this week.

Anyway let me know if you would like to have a chat if not best of luck.PS sorry I don't have a pic but I am not bad I can send you one. I get whistled at when I go running lol If you would like a pic I can mms one to you I am on (he gave his mobile phone number)

It was the massage bit I found creepy.

Asslam O Alaikum :)

Its nice to see your profile which make me smiling and happy to contact you for this true relation. I am [name], Age 27 years, holding professional degree of B.E (Electronics) from the recognized university from Pakistan Engineering Council.

I don't say that i am a real practicing Muslim but i always try to become a good human and true Muslim. By nature, i am Caring, Soft spoken and having Humble and decent personality. I love to eat my favorite dishes and outing with family and friends. :D

Currently doing a job as an Assistant Manager in a well known company in Karachi. We live in Gulberg, Karachi belongs to Sunni Urdu speaking family from Lakhnow, We are 5 family members, rest of the two brothers are students, one is doing Electrical Engineering and the third one is in 9th class.

If Allah's will, After understanding and confirmation between us, My parents will discuss the details regarding marriage proposal from your parents.

I hope that you will reply soon. :)

A bit hasty!

salam hi i have read your profile and i am very intrested in it .your profile is very impressing ..i am looking forward a relationship with you ....and i want to marry very soon ...
and i am independent person .and i would keep my patner happy till my last breath.....
if you are intrested my skype is [gave skype ID].......many thanks

also

I can speak proper English and after having 5 years spent in the UK I don't think anymore that I'm better than any British Born Pakistani muslim, I have just came to the same level I guess, so why not you prefer to like me for your days as a muslim ??

and

I SALAMS.

MEETING HERE TODAY WITH OUR GREAT PARENTS BLESSINGS

I FEEL WE CAN BE VERY LOVING COUPLE


THANKS,

This is just a small selection of them - there's a depressingly large pool.

Another rejected rishta

Salaam.

So, another cousin tried to set up a rishta for me. It started well - we exchanged (for once, it was a two way thing - I think this was helped by my cousin making it clear it was an exchange, and not just a one way thing) profiles, and from his profile, it was clear his heart seemed to be in the right place, he gave a decent amount of information etc and when his mum talked to my mum, she seemed pleasant and polite, saying that she wanted to make sure I was OK with the guy's profile before going ahead. There were a couple of concerns - that the guy works part time and didn't seem clear on where he wanted to be, or have any interests or passions, and that he had a very quiet nature - not a problem in itself, but a lot of times this can be because the guy doesn't have a lot of confidence. Also something that I've only realised recently is a red flag - he mentioned certain negative things about himself that could be offputting. As I mentioned in one of my 'advice' posts, this was in my opinion one of the signs he wasn't really interested in marriage

This has only happened once before, but, I had a really bad feeling from the start that I was going to feel trapped. I think I have become quite good at reading between the lines of guys' profiles, because a lot of what I picked up from and felt negative about turned out to be a reality. I wouldn't have minded being proved wrong and for things to have all worked out great :/

My family however, had high hopes for this one - because it was a recommendation from someone we so respect. My Dad told me to be more friendly and relaxed with the family - to fit in better. My Mum was really annoyed at me that I was feeling negative, and felt that it showed I was being ungrateful for a good opportunity.

Their family came to visit - the guy, his parents and his brother with wife and 2 year old.

I went in with a tray of drinks (I have had so much practise at this I could now probably run lengths of the living room carrying a tray with glasses and drinks on it steadily, maybe even twirling the tray on my index finger like basketball players do with a basketball lol) and got warm salaams and hugs from the guy's mum and sister in law, who I had a short, friendly conversation with. Shortly after retreating back to the kitchen, it was time to talk to the guy alone (well, with the kitchen door wide open and my sister and Mum going in and out of the kitchen to do things). The guy was quite shy and softly spoken. Some things that made me a bit uneasy:

• He didn't take his waterproof jacket off the whole time and had his hands folded and legs crossed almost the whole time. Hmm. The answer to every few questions contained 'I did/didn't do such and such because my Mum wanted me to' or 'because my Mum thinks...'. The guy was 30.
• He said he wanted a 1-2 year engagement so he could decide whether he wanted to get more religious, or if he wanted to travel etc. Hmm.
• When I asked what he got up to with the 5 days a week he has  free, he said he was bored and didn't have much to do, but later on in the conversation, when I asked if he wanted to go to any Islamic classes, he said he didn't really have time because of his job. Hmm.
• He seemed to bristle when I talked about deen. Also, he kind of said that how much his spouse was involved in deen wasn't a top priority to him, and he didn't mind and didn't want to be judgemental. What people usually say is that they want their partner to be religious so they can encourage them, and be a good parent to children.
• He had a little monologue about how he'd want someone who could accept his faults (OK, fair enough, don't we all) but then he went on for a bit about how everyone has made mistakes and he'd made mistakes, but he'd want people to be ok with them. Hmm
• He didn't mention anything about settling down, or kids at any point
• When I asked what his dealbreakers were, he said there were none - this usually means that a) the guy hasn't thought about it enough to know what they are for him or b) he's telling fibs
• I felt like he kept looking at my chest
• When I asked if there was a difference between what he'd be looking for in a wife, and what his parents would look for in a daughter in law, he said he would like someone he could have a good time with, and his Mum would like someone who could help with the cooking and laundry
• None of the family members talked to each other at all really - there seemed to be some tension.
• After the visit, my Dad said he thought the guy didn't seem 'all there'. On reflection, I have to agree - something was just a bit off
• A couple of days after the visit, the guy's Mum called to ask what we thought. My Mum told her that I'd had some concerns and that there didn't seem to be much compatibility but thanked her for coming and gave her salaams and duas. She called again the next day to say that she'd told off her son about some of the things that he'd said, and that my Mum could pass his email address so I could tell him off too and work things out and get to know each other! It was quite funny and sad, really. She then tried to convince my Mum that we were a perfect match. And failed. My poor Mum - I could hear the conversation from the next room and it sounded so awkward and went on for a while.

I was really relieved when it was all over, and that my family agreed with my opinions. One of the things that I realised was that I found the lack of passion and goals in this rishta really unattractive. The thing is, I have those qualities too in certain aspects of my life, and it's made me re-evaluate myself and try to sort myself out in terms of career goals - I'm really floundering and feeling a bit lost about what I should do about it - which direction I should go in.

I can now conceivably imagine a choice of two negative futures for myself: (I know it could be much worse - but I'm being realistic)
1) I stay single forever. My parents don't like cats so I'll have a selection of imaginary cats and these that I talk to.
2) A marriage of convenience that makes me miserable (think Charlotte from pride and prejudice - see this and this. But it won't be for financial stability, since people with that quality wouldn't consider me, but just for marriage and the possibility of kids). I see a scenario where I'm with someone I find hideously unattractive (he makes Quasimodo look like Johnny Depp to me!) who lives at home, mooching off his parents (who are obese, lazy and falsely claiming benefits) and driving everyone nuts. He doesn't do much for them but says he loves them, so he says I should be devoted to them too - I have to cook for them all day, with them constantly making demands and interfering and at night, I have to pumice the corns off their feet (which are stomach churningly smelly, and infected with athlete's foot and various other things).They hate my guts because they think their darling prince could have done so much better. They are literally the desi version of Roald Dahl's 'The Twits'. We never move into our own place, have no role in the community and live far away from my own family, who I see once every five years. His brother and sister in law (an evil and lazy woman) stay at home too, plus their army of spoilt kids, so I have to wear my headscarf all the time, and never stop cleaning up poo and vomit.

OK, I'm being tongue in cheek dramatic lol, but I definitely feel things are looking quite bleak

Ahhh that was actually quite fun. Option 2 is what scares me about marriage, and compromising too much.It's what I see when I look at a rishta I don't like. I guess I feel like if you choose to knowingly marry someone you're not happy with, you'll blame yourself and ruin your life. I feel like it would destroy my iman. However, maybe if I flip things round, and envisage a good marriage, and whether a prospective rishta would fit into it, I'll be better off - after all. mental imagery is one of the techniques athletes use to succeed.

The main thing I find painful is the idea of not ever having kids - there are a lot of new babies to visit lately and I turn to mush every time I hold one, even though I don't envy the Mum's exhaustion and pain! When you see that innocence, purity and helplessness, it brings out the deepest duas.

Anyway, it seems that the choices of guys seem to be people who are impossibly fussy, or people who there is something not right with. And it seems that people are shocked at the audacity I have in having an opinion and saying no to a rishta, or having any criteria - "beggars can't be choosers". The whole search now feels like a joke, not something that could realistically lead to marriage.

Saying all that, I know that  “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (al-Baqarah: 286) and I have to trust that what's happening in my life is His Divine plan that is best for me. “And seek help in patience and prayer…” [al-Baqarah; 45] inshaAllah

I have been working on my bucket list (things I definitely want to do before I die) - some of what I've done is: started learning to swim, to ride a bike, to sew and have been training to run 5k (couch to 5k) and increase my spiritual wellbeing through more prayers, fasting, Islamic classes and replacing listening to music with listening to Islamic talks. There are definitely so many more things to work on, especially before Ramadhan. I'm praying for all us single Muslims out there, and if other people pray for me too, may Allah grant them abundance in good (ameen!)

An older and wiser-ism

Something that I've slowly come to realise in my quest for self improvement and emotional resilience is this:

When someone has an angry outburst and some of what they've said is cutting, they haven't spent a long time saying it, or thinking over what they were going to say in all likelihood, so it doesn't make sense to spend a long time dwelling on it.

Part of the reason these things hurt is because there is an element of truth in them, so I've learned that the best thing is to recognise what's true, do my best to rectify it and move on without being defensive or saying something I'll regret, because after saying something, it can never be taken back, and nobody can know how what's said affects another person.

Also, the things I dislike in other people, or the things they do that hurt me, I'm going to try my best not to have those qualities or practices inshaAllah.

Advice for searching for a spouse (rishta): Part 3: keeping up with the search

The thing is, none of us knows the whole plot for the story of our lives - it's good, because it means we have hope, and keeps us on out toes, but I guess when it comes to marriage, it can feel a bit frustrating sometimes.

Here are some things that have helped me keep positive, and keep the search going. Sorry if it comes across preachy, but I'm writing it to remind myself first and foremost, because it's easy to slip back into bad habits.

Istikhara
If you did istikhara after meeting someone and you got a definite negative feeling or it didn't work out, it's best to accept it and move on - never dwell on what could have been.

Du'a
Keep up your duas and never give up (speaking from experience)! Never ask why God isn't answering your prayers (I mentioned in the last post the 3 ways duas are answered) - sometimes something may be withheld from us because Allah loves to hear us pray to Him. Also, it's good to know times when dua is accepted and special people it's more accepted from.
http://www.islamawareness.net/Dua/best.html
http://muslimmatters.org/2008/08/06/the-dua-barometer-how-bad-do-you-want-it/

In Saheeh Muslim and Sunan Ibn Majah, it is narrated from Abu Darda that the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) said, 'The Dua of a person for his Muslim brother in his absence will be answered. At his head there is an angel, and every time he prays for him for something good, the angel who has been appointed to be with him, says, 'Ameen, may you have likewise.' 
For this reason, I try to do du'a for past prospectives and their families (and obviously my near and dear ones). It also stops me from having any bad feeling towards them, and to be genuinely happy for them when they get married

The only thing that can come of doing du'a is good :)

Be grateful
Never dwell on those happy couples who seem to have it on - aspire to be like them for when you do inshaAllah get married, but look at people who are having a harder time than you and share advice or help them out.

Goals and flexibility
Getting older usually means getting more set in our ways. It's good to define your short term and long term goals and work some flexibility into the plans so as not to become too rigid. Don't put something off just because you think it will make you less appealing for marriage (e.g starting a new course) - you never know whether it will happen further in the future, or if you end up getting married soon, it could work out too. It's important to have a balance of worldly and deen goals. Your standards and priorities might change over time so it's good to go back and re-assess once in a while.

Learn from the past
Take a dispassionate look back at all of your past rishtas, see if there are any patterns in what people's issues were with you, anything you realised was a priority for you etc and you might be able to anticipate certain things, although you obviously can't ever know for sure. For example, I've noticed that when guy's mums are overfriendly and complimentary and try to rush things ahead, there's usually something dodgy about the guy.

Keep the search going
I always thought I'd be married, or at least engaged at 25 through my parents networking, or relatives putting a prospective forward, but that's not the way things have gone. I've learned that I have to put some effort into the search too. A few things I tried that have had some results:

• I told all my friends (including non Muslim) and family at some point that I'm single and looking  – I was surprised that certain people thought I wasn’t interested in marriage, so hadn’t thought of looking for me. I made a list of what was essential, desirable and a no-no for potentials, and told them about that too.
• I asked my parents to do this too
• I persevered with matrimonial websites. I haven’t had much luck but know loads of people who got married after meeting through them.
• I asked my Islamic teachers/shaykhs to look out for me, or got other people to talk to them on my behalf (that was quite embarrassing but it’s had some results)
• I have been more observant about guys who are single and looking to get married

As with most other things in life, there are lulls and there are times when we can really think a prospective will work out and it doesn't, and it can get to us, but it's important to know that it's a journey and you'll come through it - the choice of what attitude to have and how patient and gracious to be through it is in our control though.