Cooling down time

Salaam,

So lately, things have actually gone completely silent on the rishta search - I've pursued the last couple of remote possibilities, which turned out to be dead ends. I now don't mind when people tell me they're not interested based on my job - that they're looking for a 'professional', or my looks. There's nothing wrong with them for wanting what they have in mind, and there's nothing wrong with me for the way I look or what my job is - I'm grateful for the looks Allah gave me and that I can get satisfaction from my job knowing I've helped people and that it's something I can learn from and reflect on alhumdulillah. I do wish people wouldn't string me along though - it wastes time and gets me down.

There are no prospects for the foreseeable future. I have just about come round to the idea that I'll consider people from back home as prospectives. It was never something I wanted, but it seems that the things I'm looking for: deen - someone who takes it seriously and wants to progress; responsibility - someone who wants to do things for themself and isn't tied to the apron strings; and depth - someone who can have a conversation that goes beyond cars and celebrities exist in some men in the UK - but those men, having developed such qualities, are looking for a smokin' hot yet demure Aishwarya Rai/ Angelina Jolie lookalike with the same qualities, but maybe less so - men are supposed to be the leaders of the family after all. Oh, and she should also be an elegant social butterfly who seamlessly fits in with his family, and a dab hand in the kitchen, plus some other things.

All of this leads me to conclude that it's just not meant to be right now. Sometimes, chilling out about something makes it easier for it to happen, or it might not even happen, so I need to seriously make some more goals for the future that don't include a partner. I'm not going to stop the search inshaAllah - if anything, it will give me some stories to tell my cats (what with my back-up plan of being an eccentric but kindly cat lady)

I feel quite loser-ish lately, turning up to family/desi events with my parents when every other girl my age and younger is with their other half. People are also slightly wary of me, being single at my age - it's like 'My God - what if her spinsterhood is contagious?! Better avoid her, giver her strange looks and not let our children near her'. Yeah.

It's funny, people (including myself) can tell me the same type of thing multiple times and at some point, it just sinks in. I know I definitely go through phases with the whole rishta thing:

Angry, ranty phase: agggh guys are so annoying! This whole situation is ridiculous - RIDICULOUS! Why do I even care??! Oh look - a message from a guy on one of the matchmaking sites *reads it* --> what a stupid message *frowns and stamps foot*. What a bunch of irrevocably HOPELESS  and SHALLOW nincompoops some men are!

Delusional phase: Heyyy, I'm not actually past prime marriage age, I'll find the perfect man for me and we'll click, then get married. It's aaaall going to be fabulous! And there'll be lollipops and cute bouncy kittens and happy happy happy times aaaaall the time

Distraction: Ah! Work is busy, but I'll take up a couple more projects! And I'll cook a complicated dinner that takes 2 hours to make and 1 and a half hours to clean up after. And hey - why do I only have one book to read on my bedside table - I'll start 3 other different ones. Better get busy busy busy!

or sometimes I rapidly  cycle between these, making me look insane. I don't want to become one of those weird, bitter, highly strung spinsters - I can feel it happening but I'm definitely going to try and fight it.

The point is that everything in this life is temporary - whether it is to do with feelings or circumstances, so sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe, chill out ad appreciate where I am, what I have and how far I've come :)

I am really grateful to have things that I can concentrate on - one of them being my Islamic studies. One of the things that helped me out a lot recently was this:

"Don't let the keeping back of something you are fervently asking for make you despair. He has guaranteed an answer to your prayer in those things He chooses for you, not in those things that you choose for yourself, and at the time He wants, not at the time you want"
(from the hikam of Ibn Ata Illah al Iskandari)

So humbling mashaAllah

A pick-me-up

From Dreamlife's blog

I read this and thought it was awesome mashaAllah!

“Reliance”

They tell you to be patient.
They say your time will come:
what is meant to be will be;

And all that lies between now and then
is a trial of Faith,
a lesson in patience,
a Revelation of your ultimate reliance on the One.

You seek that which, you feel, will complete your heart;
complement your mind;
bring lasting comfort to your soul.

You wish for the bond of love and tranquility,
placed between your hearts;
you yearn for the one who will be a garment to you,
and you fulfilling the same blessed purpose for them.

You dream of a future,
a life no longer alone.
A companion to share with you all the ecstasy and agony you will face within your journey.
Someone who will walk with you,
side by side,
hand in hand,
down the beautiful path that leads back the One to Whom we belong,
the One to Whom is our return.

And though you will face that Day alone,
your bond – and all it manifested itself as – gives you hope
that, together, you were each other’s helping hand.

You enjoined what was good,
and forbade what was evil;
You had a common goal, a beautiful goal;
and the support of each other was your safety net:
you had a home in their arms,
and when they held you,
nothing could harm you -

For you were right where you were destined to be,
wrapped in the love of the one who you held so dear,

and the two of you,
wrapped in the Love of the One Who brought your souls into existence,
then shaped you over time – through pain and joy, preparing you for the pure, everlasting union that was always in existence – though you did not know it until it came to your senses:
manifested itself in front of your eyes.

He alone, you worshipped;
He alone, you asked for help.

And though, at times, you grew frustrated,
wondering when the help would come;
when it would be your turn -
in truth, the Help was always there.

It was just for you to accept -
with your heart and your mind,
beyond the superficial rhetoric -
that everything has its appointed time.

So on that Day,
as you stand before Him,
you do so in the knowledge that your lives,
your souls,
though beginning separated;
were brought together at the appointed time.

And all that came before was not a waste -
on the contrary,
it was a treasure chest:
a collection of thoughts, feelings, experiences;
all part of your preparation.

Yet you did not see it that way,
in your haste to attain that which you so cherished.

But the past has passed,
and all is put into perspective now.

And though we cannot conceive what awaits us in the Hereafter
- for Paradise begins where the imagination ends -
we know who we wish to share it with.

So, look past the immediacy of these moments without them;
and remember what awaits you in your future.

Take lessons from the past.
Be thankful for the present.
Be hopeful for the future.

Seek help in patience and prayer;
ask of Him Who is of infinite bounty.

Tell Him all that you fear,
all that you dream of,
all that you want;

Open up to Him and pour out every ounce of the hurt you feel.
Let it all go.

For when you have done so,
when your troubles have been released,
you will be brought back to the truth and comfort of your ultimate reliance on the One:
your Eternal Companion; closer than you can imagine.

Keep the faith, always.

A slight rant

Salaam everyone!

Since there's not been much action on the other blogs I read, I decided to be proactive and post something.

***Update***
The guy that I'd written off because he didn't email for ages actually ended up replying (mid October-ish), saying that he had lots of questions and that he'd like to meet up (I assumed he meant in a family setting) when he was coming to visit his family in the 3rd or 4th week of November, so he asked if that would be ok, and what my parents thought of that. Fair enough, I thought. So I duly replied, saying that was fine and asking him to update me with the details. So now it's December and I've heard nothing. If he had just not replied in the first place, I would have put him down as not interested, applying the one week rule from the start (if someone doesn't reply to you by one week after you exchange photos or details on what you're like/what you're looking for, they're very unlikely to be interested in you) - ok, rejection is never nice but fair enough. Then I had to wait till mid November to write him off again.

I don't think it's that hard to say 'hey, y'know, my parents want me to get married but I'm not really interested right now' or 'hmm I don't think we're compatible so good luck. Bye.' or 'thanks but no thanks' or WHATEVERRRR in the first place. Lol. Just have some manners and let me know what's going on so I don't have to wait around like a lemon. Neither myself nor my parents think it's right to pursue more than one potential at a time so this really gets my goat as it wastes so much time. Grrr.

On the subjects of rants, why do brown people in the UK say 'sequences' instead of sequins, and 'pacific' instead of specific, and 'eckcetera' instead of 'etcetera'?

Anyway.....

There are currently no other potentials on the horizon for me. There may be another matchmaking lady who will help me out though - I'll see what happens inshaAllah.

I've started feeling really over the hill, though apparently I don't look it lately (in the last few weeks, everyone  who asked me what my age was, thought I was between 18 and 23 - alhumdulillah :).

But I do wonder, when am I too old to:

• wear my hoodie, jeans and trainers combo
• say 'duuuude'
• surreptitiously jump in puddles because I know I'm wearing waterproof footwear
• gallop down stairs etc (don't knock it till you've tried it!)
• eat Freddo bars and milkybars?

As I look back at this post, I realise most of this post consists of first world problems, and a lot of people would feel lucky that these were their only concerns. Great, now I feel guilty. But this was definitely cathartic so all good inshaAllah. Hoping that my next post will have a more positive vibe inshaAllah.

Till then, here's a smiley - old school style  :)

The search goes on...

So, things were pretty quiet on the rishta front. My Mum is usually the one who finds new prospectives, but recently, my Dad has renewed his efforts too. This, like everything else in life has its positives and negatives. My Dad has the opinion that as long as a guy is basically good overall, it doesn't matter if he's from the Motherland (Pakistan, for my parents). I, however, have seen a lot of friends and family marry people from back home and there can be a lot of problems (culture clashes, different expectations about each partner's role, blah blah blah); some people can deal with them, because they're awesome like that mashaAllah, or because they go to Pakistan every year, or various other reasons. So, pretty early on in the rishta search, I requested my parents to keep the search in the UK.

Recently one of my Dad's friends said that his friend had a single (and looking to get hitched) nephew in London and suggested that he be introduced to me. All he told my Dad was that he's been in the UK for a few years, is an accountant, and working in a big company. My Dad mentioned it to me and since I could tell he really wanted this to happen (I guess when it's someone your friend suggests, you think it's going to be someone great), I didn't make my "but he's a freshie" argument.

So the day came when the guy came to visit from London. He arrived at the house with my Dad's friend and his uncle. I helped my Mum in the kitchen, preparing food to be served (like a good girl) and then my Dad suggested I bring in the tea and be introduced - urk. I grudgingly entered, said salaam and stood there, red and embarrassed as my Dad introduced me, saying that we (i.e me and the single guy!) should communicate among ourselves as the 'bazoorgh' (rough translation, 'old and experienced') men can only suggest people be introduced because they're from good families, but it's up to us to decide whether we're compatible. A quick glance at the guy when I came in told me he was really embarrassed, and not that impressed. Lovely. My Dad then got me to write down my email address and give it to the guy. Hideously. Awkward.

It transpired that the guy was 29 and doing his final ACCA exams, was working in security (for a big company), and only had a year left on his work visa, so wanted to get married here. Hmmm. And he didn't contact me anyway so I don't have to think about it any more now. Alhumdulillah.

I think my Dad didn't realise how awkward it was to go into a room of random men and just be introduced and basically pushed to initiate contact with someone without finding out if there's anything in common.

There was another potential from one of the Muslim matchmaking sites, but the guy wasn't on the same page as me when it came to interacting with family, so we agreed to draw a line under it.

There is one more prospective on the horizon just now. Another younger guy my Dad knows has a cousin living in London. He's originally from my town, and his family stay fairly near us, but moved there for work. My Mum has had a phone conversation with his Mum, and she seems normal, which seems to be a precious rarity nowadays. His parents came to our house to visit. After a couple of days, his Mum phoned to pass on his phone number, so I could pass on my email address. I asked hime to email me with a biodata/ profile/ what he's like and what he's looking for. He then emailed me telling me his height and weight (I think he misunderstood biodata lol), and attached a couple of photos and asked for a couple of photos of me and my biodata. That's all. So I duly replied (with photos attached, as requested), telling him that height and weight aren't my main priority, so y'know, tell me a bit about yourself kind of thing. He hasn't replied. I hate waiting because it means I end up investing more time thinking about something that possibly - probably, won't happen. How hard is it to send an email, dude? I mean, really. And by the time you're nearly 30, you should be mature enough to let someone know if you're not interested in them too (which I'm assuming is the case), so that they can write you off and move on! I am past the stage of being offended if someone rejects me after seeing my photos. If they don't like the way I look in the nicest photos of me that I have, they probably won't like how I look in real life. That's okay - beauty's in the eye of the beholder and not everyone will find me attractive. Some people compliment me on my looks, some don't. It's all good alhumdulillah. My patience with the waiting game, though, is wearing really thin. OK, so I might not get married in the near future, or at all (inshaAllah this won't happen!) but it would be so much easier if people didn't draaaag things out. Grrr. It's just starting to feel a bit like groundhog day. I want a new story! *Sigh*. All in due course inshaAllah

Book spotlight: 100 shades of white

Lately I've been feeling a wee bit down, so I decided to re-read one of my previous favourite sad but ultimately feel-good books: 100 shades of white, by Preethi Nair. When the author couldn't find a publisher who could publish her previous book, 'Gypsy Masala', she reacted by publishing and distributing the first run of copies herself. This fact really impressed me! The book is definitely a girly one, though I wouldn't put it in the category of 'chick-lit' (I hate that phrase and would only put books I think are rubbish in it!). On re-reading it, I didn't like it as much as I did the first time, mainly because of the writing style (incidentally, another book that this happened with was 'The kite runner', by Khaled Hosseini) - it was a bit too simplistic, like it was from the young adult section of the library. It's a shame, because I thought the plot was great, and if the writing had been more high-brow, this could have been a masterpiece (in my opinion).

The blurb:

This book is about a mother who tells a lie to protect her children and that lie comes back years later to destroy the very people it was meant to protect. 
Nalini, has a carefree life in India until her husband sends for her and his two small children to come and join him in London. Uprooted, he abandons them ruthlessly and leaves them with nothing. In order to protect the childrens' sense of self worth, Nalini tells them that their father died heroically in an accident and whole realities are build on this one lie as their fight for survival begins.

This book has some critical acclaim. I agreed most with this quote from the Guardian: "She writes evocatively about childhood and there are passages of tight and lyrical immediacy"

Quotes I loved

The second time I read this, I noted down the quotes I liked from it - I've left out the ones that are spoilers! These are the main reason I would read the book again.

Maybe there are one hundred shades for explaining truth, a spectrum of light to dark, depending on the vulnerability of those who have to hear it. Things are not always so clear-cut, they are not either black or white, life just isn’t like that. I know my mother would disagree, arguing that there is one immutable truth and it is just a question of facing it.

Astrologer: ‘you must not marry in pursuit of love, for this, too, is an illusion, just a state of mind […] never lose sight of your gift. If you do, you lose your centre and all else falls away. You are already very blessed, for many people must go in search of their gifts. Lifetimes are spent on this. You know where it resides, hold onto it.’ […] He responded by saying that happiness was a state of mind and nature dictates that states are forever changing.
For me, the 'gift' is Islam, though that's not what was being referred to here

She pleaded, saying that love was fleeting and that the constants in life came from the sense of self and not from another
I love this - it's so important for your feelings not to be controlled by another person. Obviously for Muslims, the only constant is Allah and this is the only love that will never be fleeting inshaAllah!

Having abundance brings many choices and when I am faced with decisions today, I relish them, revelling and indulging in possibilities and consequences. Back then, there was none of this […] It was a fight for survival and this eliminates the luxury of emotion: if you stop and contemplate you lose the battle and so I was grateful for the fact that there was no time
I thought this was a really interesting point. It's easy to forget that a lot of my 'dilemmas' only exist because there is abundance in my life. I remember a documentary called 'blood, sweat and t-shirts' about a bunch of students from the UK who went to India to experience the lives of people that worked in sweat-shops etc there. Before they went, a couple of them didn't understand why people didn't just get an education or better job, but after they had been there, they saw that those people were actually trapped - the situation is different there.

At times, I didn’t want to see because guilt crept into my soul. […] Sometimes you see things and there is absolutely nothing you can do so you pretend you don’t see them because it hurts a lot less.
Something I can totally relate to.

My mother would say the right people are set to us just when we need them and they come in many guises. The beggar asking for food may well be a pauper, but it is only our judgement of him that makes him a pauper. ‘When we hold our judgements and see beyond, magic happens,’ she would say. ‘When we believe in someone even if they don’t believe in themselves, magic happens.’ Where was she now? What would she say to all of this? I know she would say trust, because according to her, trust prepares the ground for forgiveness. Only when you put your faith and trust back into life, are you able to forgive, and with forgiveness all surmountable obstacles just dissolve.

My mother used to say that it was forgiveness that worked magic on the soul and made miracles possible. According to her, forgiveness from a broken heart combusted energy that made insurmountable obstacles just dissolve. So if she found Luxmiammayi gossiping about her, she forgave; if a servant boy stole whatever little she had, she let him take it; if I hurt her, and I know I did, she just forgave me. Not the forgiveness that belongs to a coward – he who sees but refuses to believe and so pretends nothing has happened – but the kind of forgiveness which belongs to a courageous heart, the heart that accepts and says no matter what anyone does, or whatever circumstances are thrust upon it, it will always, always be all right. It does not become embroiled and constrained in anger and bitterness, but moves forward and grows
I really loved this description of forgiveness, and it's something I aspire to.

My mother had always said that trust prepared the ground for forgiveness. It was essential to have faith and trust in something and forgiveness would then have a firm anchor. Essentially forgiveness was the first step and gratitude was never far behind. Gratitude could come in a hundred forms […]. Gratitude, she said, was the only form of showing appreciation, a way of paying the rent for being allowed to do what we loved […]. Gratitude, she said, kept fear away. If we focused on what we had, it grew, but if we thought even momentarily of what we feared, the fear would multiply and take us backwards. So she even gave thanks for the bad things that happened. […] She also said that gratitude brings all the ugly things to the surface and an abundant life is one that faces all that is ugly and lets them go.
A life of shukr is a successful one then :)

Life doesn’t always work out the way we imagine. Sometimes the worst things end up being the best and other times, what we think is the best thing that ever happened is not necessarily so, and people we don’t like end up being the kindest, most generous people’
Similar to "...perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not" [Qur'an; al Baqarah verse 216]

I have now come to realise that if you are not happy in one place, it doesn’t matter how many millions of miles away you are, happiness isn’t suddenly going to come and find you
So true! It's easy to think running away will solve things, but it never does. A lot of times I've realised that a problem I'm having is in myself, not my situation.

Grief brings you to a place where you realise that nothing really belongs to you, it is all borrowed and what you are faced with is the cold, blank reality that truth stays, it is the only thing that accompanies you, standing all tests of time. My mother was right when she said it came in just two shades; black or white, ingrained in the soil with the hands with wich it is planted. Truth grows constant, bearing its fruit, following your every move.

I have learnt that life does not punish, it teaches you to let go, let go of all you fear or that fear becomes you

The process of acceptance and forgiveness for me took many, many months. I came to accept the past and all those I had hurt unintentionally and learnt to forgive those who knew no better and had hurt me. Sometimes there is no point in trying to figure out why; it is better to accept and to move on.
Hear hear!

Has anyone else read this? If so, I'd love to know your thoughts on it too :)

Dead ends

So, regarding the guy that I talked to my cousin about (who I had reservations about because he came across  as pompous to me, my uncle talked to his family suggesting that we be introduced, but they weren't interested because they're looking for a family of professionals. My family all have degrees and jobs, but what people generally mean when they say 'professional' is 'doctor' :/. Moving on....

The guy that contacted me on one of the matching websites has not replied for a while. Also, I have a strong suspicion, from the information he's given so far, that he is the same guy who was married to a girl I know; him and his family abused her. It's weird; that guy's mum had been in touch with my Mum twice to suggest him for me, and she said that he hadn't been married before, but had just had his nikah done (that doesn't even make sense to me). This was a silly lie to tell because we knew he had been married for at least 2 years; my parents were at the wedding. If this guy is the same guy, he has lied on his profile, saying he's never been married. If he's not the same guy, I'll be very surprised.

UPDATE: I found out that one of the prospectives that came for my sister was divorced. The guy and his family neglected to mention this. I understand that some guys are divorced for reasons that aren't their fault; if this was the case and they mentioned it and were honest, I wouldn't have much of an issue. Lies of omission are usually a bad sign. The person I found out from is a friend of the girl he was married to. Apparently the guy and his family treated her really badly and made ridiculous demands of the girl's family once they realised she had a wealthy family. This is the type of story I keep hearing about different guys. It's so sickening, and I'm finding it difficult not to tar all men with the same brush. I pray that Allah makes all the qualities that I find so abhorrent, ones that don't exist in me (ameen).

Thankfully, I have a lot of things to be getting on with in the next few weeks, so I'm hoping that these dead ends and lack of other prospectives at the moment won't get to me too much. I plan to have some fun girly time at the weekend, and have 2 different weekly Islamic courses to go to, plus a test to study for, for a double weekend course I attended; and I'm starting back at work in the next week too inshaAllah.

Peace out; salaam :)

Antidote to giving up

So many times, in different spheres of my life, I've felt like giving up hope. I don't know how many times I've thought "What's the point? It isn't going to happen so I might as well not try".

Things are not going forward on the rishta front. Things have gone very quiet. This all started to get me down until......

Somebody posted on facebook something like "when you feel like your prayers are not being answered, reflect back on your life and think about how many of them have been"

I thought about it, and the answer, in my case is: loads. Alhumdulillah. I realised there are so many things I worried about that aren't an issue anymore, but it's easy to forget problems you had when they've disappeared.

This also brought to mind the verse 

"Oh you who believe! Seek help with patient perseverance and prayer, for God is with those who patiently persevere." (2:153)

I hope and pray that I can become of those people.