Once in a while, I come to a sudden realisation about how I should change my attitude to life, especially when it comes to seeking a spouse. A little while ago, it was this: to hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. That way, it reduces the hurt.
Alhumdulillah, it seems to have worked. The last potential guy (there have been a few - maybe I'll blog about what happened with them one day, but I'm not promising anything!) was someone who my sister approached on my behalf. He seemed like everything I was looking for - he came across as respectful and polite, knowing how to talk to me within limits. He was working, but also had a thirst for self improvement and learning. He lived with his family but had bought a separate place to live in for after he got married, and he wasn't concerned (like every other potential guy/family) that I work part time and that I'm not career obsessed. The thing that niggled at me though, was that he wasn't very proactive about pursuing knowledge of the deen - he said he was interested, but whenever I brought up anything religious, his responses were very wishy washy. I can't explain what I mean exactly, but something about the way he talked about certain things bothered me.
Anyway, after a few emails, we decided to do a coffee shop meeting, with his friend, my sister and my brother in law present. I agreed to this, but didn't feel that great about it. He then requested a second meeting like this - I discussed it with my family and we decided that would be the last meeting like this, and any other meetings should be family ones. The guy wanted to continue meeting without family, on a regular basis until he was sure, and only involve families once the decision to get married had been made. We eventually had to agree to disagree, and ended things on polite but good terms. Admittedly, I did feel a bit gutted, since we had so much in common and there were so many things that made it seem like it was just meant to be. Obviously it wasn't. I also realised how important it is to be on the same wavelength, not just in terms of personality, but in terms of keenness to implement Islamic knowledge. I think most of us want to be more 'Islamic' but implementing Islamic etiquette, when your nafs is telling you to take a different path can be really hard. I now understand that constantly topping up one's knowledge is a good defence against this! I decided that I would rather not pursue things if I felt I was doing something wrong, and alhumdulillah, this is the first time that I haven't felt upset or down when I've been introduced to someone and things haven't progressed.
I feel like I've matured as a person, and no longer feel offended or upset when people's preferences are so incongruent with what I am as a person. I can't hold people's preferences against them; people often can't control their opinions/preferences/inclinations and differences are what make people interesting :).
I was also thinking about the fact that it's quite interesting not to know who I'll end up with - possibilities are almost always more exciting than the reality but right now, I'm free to dream!
May Allah (swt) guide us, give us the insight to make good decisions, and give us all spouses who bring out the best in us, and give us success in this life and the next (ameen)
