Book spotlight: 100 shades of white

Lately I've been feeling a wee bit down, so I decided to re-read one of my previous favourite sad but ultimately feel-good books: 100 shades of white, by Preethi Nair. When the author couldn't find a publisher who could publish her previous book, 'Gypsy Masala', she reacted by publishing and distributing the first run of copies herself. This fact really impressed me! The book is definitely a girly one, though I wouldn't put it in the category of 'chick-lit' (I hate that phrase and would only put books I think are rubbish in it!). On re-reading it, I didn't like it as much as I did the first time, mainly because of the writing style (incidentally, another book that this happened with was 'The kite runner', by Khaled Hosseini) - it was a bit too simplistic, like it was from the young adult section of the library. It's a shame, because I thought the plot was great, and if the writing had been more high-brow, this could have been a masterpiece (in my opinion).

The blurb:

This book is about a mother who tells a lie to protect her children and that lie comes back years later to destroy the very people it was meant to protect. 
Nalini, has a carefree life in India until her husband sends for her and his two small children to come and join him in London. Uprooted, he abandons them ruthlessly and leaves them with nothing. In order to protect the childrens' sense of self worth, Nalini tells them that their father died heroically in an accident and whole realities are build on this one lie as their fight for survival begins.

This book has some critical acclaim. I agreed most with this quote from the Guardian: "She writes evocatively about childhood and there are passages of tight and lyrical immediacy"

Quotes I loved

The second time I read this, I noted down the quotes I liked from it - I've left out the ones that are spoilers! These are the main reason I would read the book again.

Maybe there are one hundred shades for explaining truth, a spectrum of light to dark, depending on the vulnerability of those who have to hear it. Things are not always so clear-cut, they are not either black or white, life just isn’t like that. I know my mother would disagree, arguing that there is one immutable truth and it is just a question of facing it.

Astrologer: ‘you must not marry in pursuit of love, for this, too, is an illusion, just a state of mind […] never lose sight of your gift. If you do, you lose your centre and all else falls away. You are already very blessed, for many people must go in search of their gifts. Lifetimes are spent on this. You know where it resides, hold onto it.’ […] He responded by saying that happiness was a state of mind and nature dictates that states are forever changing.
For me, the 'gift' is Islam, though that's not what was being referred to here

She pleaded, saying that love was fleeting and that the constants in life came from the sense of self and not from another
I love this - it's so important for your feelings not to be controlled by another person. Obviously for Muslims, the only constant is Allah and this is the only love that will never be fleeting inshaAllah!

Having abundance brings many choices and when I am faced with decisions today, I relish them, revelling and indulging in possibilities and consequences. Back then, there was none of this […] It was a fight for survival and this eliminates the luxury of emotion: if you stop and contemplate you lose the battle and so I was grateful for the fact that there was no time
I thought this was a really interesting point. It's easy to forget that a lot of my 'dilemmas' only exist because there is abundance in my life. I remember a documentary called 'blood, sweat and t-shirts' about a bunch of students from the UK who went to India to experience the lives of people that worked in sweat-shops etc there. Before they went, a couple of them didn't understand why people didn't just get an education or better job, but after they had been there, they saw that those people were actually trapped - the situation is different there.

At times, I didn’t want to see because guilt crept into my soul. […] Sometimes you see things and there is absolutely nothing you can do so you pretend you don’t see them because it hurts a lot less.
Something I can totally relate to.

My mother would say the right people are set to us just when we need them and they come in many guises. The beggar asking for food may well be a pauper, but it is only our judgement of him that makes him a pauper. ‘When we hold our judgements and see beyond, magic happens,’ she would say. ‘When we believe in someone even if they don’t believe in themselves, magic happens.’ Where was she now? What would she say to all of this? I know she would say trust, because according to her, trust prepares the ground for forgiveness. Only when you put your faith and trust back into life, are you able to forgive, and with forgiveness all surmountable obstacles just dissolve.

My mother used to say that it was forgiveness that worked magic on the soul and made miracles possible. According to her, forgiveness from a broken heart combusted energy that made insurmountable obstacles just dissolve. So if she found Luxmiammayi gossiping about her, she forgave; if a servant boy stole whatever little she had, she let him take it; if I hurt her, and I know I did, she just forgave me. Not the forgiveness that belongs to a coward – he who sees but refuses to believe and so pretends nothing has happened – but the kind of forgiveness which belongs to a courageous heart, the heart that accepts and says no matter what anyone does, or whatever circumstances are thrust upon it, it will always, always be all right. It does not become embroiled and constrained in anger and bitterness, but moves forward and grows
I really loved this description of forgiveness, and it's something I aspire to.

My mother had always said that trust prepared the ground for forgiveness. It was essential to have faith and trust in something and forgiveness would then have a firm anchor. Essentially forgiveness was the first step and gratitude was never far behind. Gratitude could come in a hundred forms […]. Gratitude, she said, was the only form of showing appreciation, a way of paying the rent for being allowed to do what we loved […]. Gratitude, she said, kept fear away. If we focused on what we had, it grew, but if we thought even momentarily of what we feared, the fear would multiply and take us backwards. So she even gave thanks for the bad things that happened. […] She also said that gratitude brings all the ugly things to the surface and an abundant life is one that faces all that is ugly and lets them go.
A life of shukr is a successful one then :)

Life doesn’t always work out the way we imagine. Sometimes the worst things end up being the best and other times, what we think is the best thing that ever happened is not necessarily so, and people we don’t like end up being the kindest, most generous people’
Similar to "...perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not" [Qur'an; al Baqarah verse 216]

I have now come to realise that if you are not happy in one place, it doesn’t matter how many millions of miles away you are, happiness isn’t suddenly going to come and find you
So true! It's easy to think running away will solve things, but it never does. A lot of times I've realised that a problem I'm having is in myself, not my situation.

Grief brings you to a place where you realise that nothing really belongs to you, it is all borrowed and what you are faced with is the cold, blank reality that truth stays, it is the only thing that accompanies you, standing all tests of time. My mother was right when she said it came in just two shades; black or white, ingrained in the soil with the hands with wich it is planted. Truth grows constant, bearing its fruit, following your every move.

I have learnt that life does not punish, it teaches you to let go, let go of all you fear or that fear becomes you

The process of acceptance and forgiveness for me took many, many months. I came to accept the past and all those I had hurt unintentionally and learnt to forgive those who knew no better and had hurt me. Sometimes there is no point in trying to figure out why; it is better to accept and to move on.
Hear hear!

Has anyone else read this? If so, I'd love to know your thoughts on it too :)

Dead ends

So, regarding the guy that I talked to my cousin about (who I had reservations about because he came across  as pompous to me, my uncle talked to his family suggesting that we be introduced, but they weren't interested because they're looking for a family of professionals. My family all have degrees and jobs, but what people generally mean when they say 'professional' is 'doctor' :/. Moving on....

The guy that contacted me on one of the matching websites has not replied for a while. Also, I have a strong suspicion, from the information he's given so far, that he is the same guy who was married to a girl I know; him and his family abused her. It's weird; that guy's mum had been in touch with my Mum twice to suggest him for me, and she said that he hadn't been married before, but had just had his nikah done (that doesn't even make sense to me). This was a silly lie to tell because we knew he had been married for at least 2 years; my parents were at the wedding. If this guy is the same guy, he has lied on his profile, saying he's never been married. If he's not the same guy, I'll be very surprised.

UPDATE: I found out that one of the prospectives that came for my sister was divorced. The guy and his family neglected to mention this. I understand that some guys are divorced for reasons that aren't their fault; if this was the case and they mentioned it and were honest, I wouldn't have much of an issue. Lies of omission are usually a bad sign. The person I found out from is a friend of the girl he was married to. Apparently the guy and his family treated her really badly and made ridiculous demands of the girl's family once they realised she had a wealthy family. This is the type of story I keep hearing about different guys. It's so sickening, and I'm finding it difficult not to tar all men with the same brush. I pray that Allah makes all the qualities that I find so abhorrent, ones that don't exist in me (ameen).

Thankfully, I have a lot of things to be getting on with in the next few weeks, so I'm hoping that these dead ends and lack of other prospectives at the moment won't get to me too much. I plan to have some fun girly time at the weekend, and have 2 different weekly Islamic courses to go to, plus a test to study for, for a double weekend course I attended; and I'm starting back at work in the next week too inshaAllah.

Peace out; salaam :)

Antidote to giving up

So many times, in different spheres of my life, I've felt like giving up hope. I don't know how many times I've thought "What's the point? It isn't going to happen so I might as well not try".

Things are not going forward on the rishta front. Things have gone very quiet. This all started to get me down until......

Somebody posted on facebook something like "when you feel like your prayers are not being answered, reflect back on your life and think about how many of them have been"

I thought about it, and the answer, in my case is: loads. Alhumdulillah. I realised there are so many things I worried about that aren't an issue anymore, but it's easy to forget problems you had when they've disappeared.

This also brought to mind the verse 

"Oh you who believe! Seek help with patient perseverance and prayer, for God is with those who patiently persevere." (2:153)

I hope and pray that I can become of those people.