Salaam,
it's been a while.
It seems that there are some potential rishtas on the horizon. One is from a matchmaking site, and seems ok so far - I don't know a huge amount about him, but he seems like a normal person with religious views etc in alignment with my own, and planning to meet in the holidays. Plus my mum has been in contact with a new matchmaking lady, and one of my Dad's old friends has suggested someone for me too.
Recently though, on one of the matchmaking sites, I encountered a string of creeps and weirdos, their antics including sending lots of selfies, insistenly and repeatedly asking for full length pictures of me and asking my weight :/
I recently was talking to an 'auntie' (ie woman older than me that's not a relative) around the same age as my mum, just about general things, then the topic came round to her looking for a job at the moment, which then turned to her telling me she is currently going through a divorce, (partly) because she found out after 25 years of marriage that her husband secretly had another wife in Pakistan. The auntie is now a single mother on benefits :(. I just can't stop thinking about her, which is good in a way because it makes me pray for her. It was her calm demeanour, and her 'no, no, it's alright' when I said I was sorry to hear of it that struck me. I think part of the reason for her being able to put such a brave face on it is that she has dedicated her life to other people, and learning and teaching her faith, and isn't stopping despite what she's going through. I pray that Allah swt heals her heart and makes her children the coolness of her eyes and a source of sadaqa jaariya (continuous reward) for her, and rewards her abundantly for her patience and all that she's gone through (ameen). Please make dua for her too.
Tuesday 10 December 2013
Wednesday 6 November 2013
Weird morning
Salaam,
I took the battery out of my phone for something last night, put it back in and set my alarm. This morning I woke up feeling like it was really dark and I'd woken up too early. I got ready and came downstairs ready to leave the house, and noticed that the clock on the oven said it was only 6.30 (my phone said 7.30). Confused, thinking somebody must have set it wrong, I checked the news channel on TV - which confirmed that I had woken up an hour early - gah!
Anyway, it made me think, there's a gold standard of rules set for us to check what's right and wrong (the Quran and Sunnah, and in this case, the news channel on TV), so it's never good to judge whether things are right or not according to other people (in this case, the time on the oven), as it can end up making you question yourself and get confused, especially when you can feel something isn't right (here, feeling uber tired and seeing it was dark). Hmmm.
I parked in a slanted ceilinged part of the car park and was really scared I'd scrape the top of the car. I reversed really slowly and heard a horrible thump. Having visions of a big tend in the top of the car, I checked: it was just the fin of the little 'Nemo' character on the aerial had been bumped off! Alhumdulillah, was so grateful!
I took the battery out of my phone for something last night, put it back in and set my alarm. This morning I woke up feeling like it was really dark and I'd woken up too early. I got ready and came downstairs ready to leave the house, and noticed that the clock on the oven said it was only 6.30 (my phone said 7.30). Confused, thinking somebody must have set it wrong, I checked the news channel on TV - which confirmed that I had woken up an hour early - gah!
Anyway, it made me think, there's a gold standard of rules set for us to check what's right and wrong (the Quran and Sunnah, and in this case, the news channel on TV), so it's never good to judge whether things are right or not according to other people (in this case, the time on the oven), as it can end up making you question yourself and get confused, especially when you can feel something isn't right (here, feeling uber tired and seeing it was dark). Hmmm.
I parked in a slanted ceilinged part of the car park and was really scared I'd scrape the top of the car. I reversed really slowly and heard a horrible thump. Having visions of a big tend in the top of the car, I checked: it was just the fin of the little 'Nemo' character on the aerial had been bumped off! Alhumdulillah, was so grateful!
Saturday 2 November 2013
Musing on....random things
Salaam,
I keep meaning to write another post, but have been really busy - the last few weeks have just been a blur.
A few things I've realised
I keep meaning to write another post, but have been really busy - the last few weeks have just been a blur.
A few things I've realised
- The blessing of having people close to you who tell you when the way you are acting is out of order. It's actually really difficult to see when your own behaviour has changed
- Random acts of kindness make me really, really happy. I still remember a few years ago, standing at a bus stop on a freezing winter night, the bus arrived and the man behind me in the queue said 'Excuse me', shuffle-stepped in front of me and paid my bus fare. Well I decided to try and do something random and nice too. I left a couple of chocolates (wrapped ones!) at the study desks of the uni library. However, I hope they weren't melty, or the people who found them didn't think they were poisoned or anything lol
- The stages of how I have come to accept my being single have been like the stages of loss
- Denial and isolation: pretending there wasn't an issue and everything was fine
- Anger: 'I hate men' 'this isn't fair' etc
- Bargaining 'if only I was taller/fairer/a highly paid professional, it would happen'
- Depression 'it's never going to happen - I'm going to die alooooooone'
- Acceptance 'if it happens, it happens - it's all written into God's plan for my fate. I can't control others' behaviour or actions, only my own attitude and actions. Make the best of being single and try and create good habits and leave a positive legacy behind inshaAllah "Is there any reward for good other than good?" [Quran - Surah Rahman: 60]
- It's highly likely though, that I'll end up visiting one of the first 4 stages at some point (especially with how things are going on matchmaking sites, and with nothing happening with networking), but I'm prepared to work through it, so it's all good inshaAllah
- Getting old(er) isn't so bad - I can feel comfortable that the way I look and my personality are God-given to a point, so don't feel that I 'have to be' some way or another - it's really liberating alhumdulillah. I broadly know what I like, what I'm good at, the type of people I want to be around (and avoid!) and my limits in general - there's so much less stress about things and more acceptance, more ability to cope with things and be there for others, yet so much scope for improvement inshaAllah. I just need to see where it leads now......
Saturday 14 September 2013
Amusing conversation
My Dad told me a friend of his was talking to someone about the criteria was for a rishta for his son. The man said that his son wanted someone born and brought up here, a working professional and a long list of other qualities; the mother-in-law to be wanted the girl to be very beautiful and fair-skinned and family oriented, and to stay home and take care of the family, but be a working professional etc etc
My Dad's friend turned to the guy and asked how many women his son wanted to marry because it would be impossible to have aaaaaaaaaaaall of that in one woman.
Lol.
My Dad's friend turned to the guy and asked how many women his son wanted to marry because it would be impossible to have aaaaaaaaaaaall of that in one woman.
Lol.
Thursday 5 September 2013
Amusing - book review
For the past week or so, I have been getting up between 5.30 and 6am to try and catch up with reading and creative pursuits so I actually achieve something before the mundane chores of the day take up my time, motivation and enthusiasm for them!
One of the books I've made some headway in reading because of this is The Penguin History of the World: 6th edition (2013). It's good for understanding themes, and the gist of the changes that evolved over time, but I am going to read it concurrently with another book that highlights discrete dates and events. Hopefully I'll update this once I've read it all. One of the reviews of the previous edition really made me chuckle. Here it is, copied and pasted from Amazon UK.
Warning: No penguins, 13 Sep 2011
If you're looking for a penguin history of the world, look elsewhere. There are no penguins here. No discussion of significant penguins in world history, penguin culture or religion, or any analysis of a penguincentric historical timeline. I think this book should be renamed The New Human History of the World, to avoid this confusion. I can't be the only one disappointed at the lack of penguins.
One of the books I've made some headway in reading because of this is The Penguin History of the World: 6th edition (2013). It's good for understanding themes, and the gist of the changes that evolved over time, but I am going to read it concurrently with another book that highlights discrete dates and events. Hopefully I'll update this once I've read it all. One of the reviews of the previous edition really made me chuckle. Here it is, copied and pasted from Amazon UK.
44 of 50 people found the following review helpful
Warning: No penguins,
By
This review is from: The New Penguin History of the World (Paperback)
This is an excellent book - thorough, detailed, well researched and well written. If you want to know about the history of the world, this book delivers. However, I have one gripe: despite the title, this book is, in fact, a history exclusively of humans in the world. When I got about six chapters in, I started to wonder when penguins would arrive on the scene. By about halfway through, I realised that the title is just false advertising - a cheap effort to hook you in, make you buy the book thinking it's about penguins, and then hope you won't notice because it is, otherwise, really good.If you're looking for a penguin history of the world, look elsewhere. There are no penguins here. No discussion of significant penguins in world history, penguin culture or religion, or any analysis of a penguincentric historical timeline. I think this book should be renamed The New Human History of the World, to avoid this confusion. I can't be the only one disappointed at the lack of penguins.
Wednesday 4 September 2013
Advice from my Dad
Because it has been wedding season, and holiday season, I've been spending a lot more time with family. Alhumdulillah, I have been blessed with a lot of family, and we all keep in touch - even the ones who live abroad. One of my cousins who was visiting from abroad was saying how much it meant to him that the family threw him a surprise birthday party at a time when things weren't going so well for him. He was talking about how you can be the flavour of the month with certain people for a very short time, and when things don't go well for you, they'll all ditch you at the drop of a hat, but to your family, you're always beloved, so we should appreciate them. It just really brought my priorities home to me, and the importance of the Islamic emphasis o keeping family ties strong
Also, recently I was travelling on a 10 hour journey with my Dad in Ramadan to help one of my relatives move to another city. My Dad finished work, had a couple of hours sleep, then we packed stuff up into a van and travelled from midnight to about 10am, got there, went to sort out their rental agreement with the estate agent, came back, unpacked the van, helped them set up and did the journey back the next morning! I honestly don't know how he does it mashaAllah.
Anyway, I helped!
We ended up having proper heart to heart conversations and he gave me some advice I didn't expect. InshaAllah by sharing it, he'll be rewarded from any benefit others take from it too.
"...continue to be generous - with your time, money and everything else, but never to the point that it will ruin you - financially, emotionally, or otherwise. Don't give more than you'd be able to write off and never expect that if you do something for someone, they'd do the same for you. The people who you love - the people who you would drop everything for to help them - they are the ones who can - and probably will hurt you the most at some point, so be careful."
"Your family and sibling links are strong just now, and that's very good, but when your parents pass away, people will behave in ways you would never have expected. Just be aware of that."
To be honest, I was quite taken aback, but it's one of those conversations that will probably come back to me at an important time later in life
Also, recently I was travelling on a 10 hour journey with my Dad in Ramadan to help one of my relatives move to another city. My Dad finished work, had a couple of hours sleep, then we packed stuff up into a van and travelled from midnight to about 10am, got there, went to sort out their rental agreement with the estate agent, came back, unpacked the van, helped them set up and did the journey back the next morning! I honestly don't know how he does it mashaAllah.
Anyway, I helped!
We ended up having proper heart to heart conversations and he gave me some advice I didn't expect. InshaAllah by sharing it, he'll be rewarded from any benefit others take from it too.
"...continue to be generous - with your time, money and everything else, but never to the point that it will ruin you - financially, emotionally, or otherwise. Don't give more than you'd be able to write off and never expect that if you do something for someone, they'd do the same for you. The people who you love - the people who you would drop everything for to help them - they are the ones who can - and probably will hurt you the most at some point, so be careful."
"Your family and sibling links are strong just now, and that's very good, but when your parents pass away, people will behave in ways you would never have expected. Just be aware of that."
To be honest, I was quite taken aback, but it's one of those conversations that will probably come back to me at an important time later in life
Thursday 22 August 2013
Musing on......results
This life wasn't meant to be perfect. If we got everything we wanted exactly when we wanted it, it would be paradise. There are some things in life we will have to wait for to have fulfilled - either later than we wanted them, or in the next life - it will be worth it inshaAllah. All we can really do to get the things we want is work for them, pray for them, and trust in Allah. Real satisfaction, success and happiness in this life comes from working hard, doing the right thing and knowing you've done your best, not necessarily results. It's the next life that's about permanent results.
The first time it really sank in that being fantastically skilled at something is not a prerequisite for enjoying it was when I did literacy tutoring with an elderly lady with a learning disability. Every week, we would go through the same process of going over the alphabet and some simple words - and she struggled, but every week, she enjoyed the task, and her smile was genuine and almost constant. She enjoyed learning and she enjoyed the company - one time she even started clapping with happiness when I came into the room!
The thing is, we tend to idealise the end products, the 'results' of our dreams - even though, once we have them, because of a variety of reasons, they're not usually as wonderful as we expected - maybe they don't last, or we change and don't want them any more, or they weren't something that was good for us (the list could go on indefinitely)
It's so easy to miss out on life and its opportunities by wishing it away. It's easier said than done, but I think it's become more and more important for me to realise that I need to focus on the things in my control and appreciate and make the most of what I have, and not put things on hold on the off chance that it will interfere with something that might happen.
The first time it really sank in that being fantastically skilled at something is not a prerequisite for enjoying it was when I did literacy tutoring with an elderly lady with a learning disability. Every week, we would go through the same process of going over the alphabet and some simple words - and she struggled, but every week, she enjoyed the task, and her smile was genuine and almost constant. She enjoyed learning and she enjoyed the company - one time she even started clapping with happiness when I came into the room!
The thing is, we tend to idealise the end products, the 'results' of our dreams - even though, once we have them, because of a variety of reasons, they're not usually as wonderful as we expected - maybe they don't last, or we change and don't want them any more, or they weren't something that was good for us (the list could go on indefinitely)
It's so easy to miss out on life and its opportunities by wishing it away. It's easier said than done, but I think it's become more and more important for me to realise that I need to focus on the things in my control and appreciate and make the most of what I have, and not put things on hold on the off chance that it will interfere with something that might happen.
Sunday 18 August 2013
Post Eid check in
Salaam,
I hope people had an amazing Ramadan and Eid inshaAllah. I definitely did alhamdulillah :)
Shortly after Eid, I received a message from one of the matrimonial sites I'm signed up to (slightly edited to protect identities lol) - "Eid Mubarak. What are the chances of finding another muslim in your city to marry at your age?"
It really got to me that someone would go out of their way to send a message like this. What was the point? Anyway, I sent a reply basically saying that Allah knows best what will happen, and duas wishing him success in his search for a spouse etc.
I am in one of those phases right now where I can accept that marriage might not be a feature in my life. The thought still hurts, and I won't pretend that I don't feel like it's something I need or want, but I feel like I can deal with it because what's the alternative - wallow in self pity and not get anywhere in life? The time has, I think, come in my life where I'll have to keep a cool head and plough through the things I have to do and want to achieve, ignoring the doubts and addressing the issues as I go along, insha'Allah.
I hope people had an amazing Ramadan and Eid inshaAllah. I definitely did alhamdulillah :)
Shortly after Eid, I received a message from one of the matrimonial sites I'm signed up to (slightly edited to protect identities lol) - "Eid Mubarak. What are the chances of finding another muslim in your city to marry at your age?"
It really got to me that someone would go out of their way to send a message like this. What was the point? Anyway, I sent a reply basically saying that Allah knows best what will happen, and duas wishing him success in his search for a spouse etc.
I am in one of those phases right now where I can accept that marriage might not be a feature in my life. The thought still hurts, and I won't pretend that I don't feel like it's something I need or want, but I feel like I can deal with it because what's the alternative - wallow in self pity and not get anywhere in life? The time has, I think, come in my life where I'll have to keep a cool head and plough through the things I have to do and want to achieve, ignoring the doubts and addressing the issues as I go along, insha'Allah.
Who knows, maybe my role is even to be a wake up call to other women to have goals, achieve in life and get married as young as they feel ready to,
Friday 2 August 2013
Last few days of Ramadan
Salaam
There are precious few nights left of Ramadan - any of these last few nights could be Laylatul Qadr, where everybody wants to maximise the good they can do but a lot of people don't have much time - donating by text can be a good option, e.g in the UK, text DONATE to 70000 to donate £5 to DEC or SYRI44 £10 to 70070 Syria: Make Bread Not War appeal via human appeal international or FIGHT to 70111 to give £3 to Cancer Research. More codes to donate via the links below
http://www.dec.org.uk/faq (list of codes under "What are the terms and conditions for text to donate?
http://humanappeal.org.uk/donate/donate_mobile.htm
http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-us/utilities/terms-and-conditions/text-to-donate/
And a couple of links to lectures on Laylatul Qadr
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Oam2qJz0y8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Put8Cd1evbU
I'll be doing dua for my readers - please remember me in your prayers too. JazakAllah khayr.
There are precious few nights left of Ramadan - any of these last few nights could be Laylatul Qadr, where everybody wants to maximise the good they can do but a lot of people don't have much time - donating by text can be a good option, e.g in the UK, text DONATE to 70000 to donate £5 to DEC or SYRI44 £10 to 70070 Syria: Make Bread Not War appeal via human appeal international or FIGHT to 70111 to give £3 to Cancer Research. More codes to donate via the links below
http://www.dec.org.uk/faq (list of codes under "What are the terms and conditions for text to donate?
http://humanappeal.org.uk/donate/donate_mobile.htm
http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-us/utilities/terms-and-conditions/text-to-donate/
And a couple of links to lectures on Laylatul Qadr
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Oam2qJz0y8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Put8Cd1evbU
I'll be doing dua for my readers - please remember me in your prayers too. JazakAllah khayr.
Monday 1 July 2013
Amusing: a girl can dream
So a few nights ago, I had this dream that aliens landed on earth and were taking over the world. They started sorting out what they were going to do with the humans. They decided to look humanoid for this purpose. The alien that was allocated to deal with me was really hideous, short and gnarly looking, but took a real shine to me - he was actually speechless when he looked at me because he was so smitten! He held my hands and looked into a hologram of my brain and loved what he saw. It was a really weird dream, and I woke up really disturbed but flattered!
Hmmm: a cross species relationship would never have worked out, and would be of questionable halality.
In my lifetime, I've have had two dreams about who I end up with
1) A Black guy with a prosthetic leg.
2) A Pakistani guy with a really dodgy mullet haircut.
So far, I haven't encountered either as prospectives for marriage in real life.
I'd love to know anyone else's dreams in a similar vein
Hmmm: a cross species relationship would never have worked out, and would be of questionable halality.
In my lifetime, I've have had two dreams about who I end up with
1) A Black guy with a prosthetic leg.
2) A Pakistani guy with a really dodgy mullet haircut.
So far, I haven't encountered either as prospectives for marriage in real life.
I'd love to know anyone else's dreams in a similar vein
Friday 31 May 2013
Matchmaking site messages
Last night, while I was out, I got that panicky feeling of 'uh-oh, did I leave the haandi on?' but dismissed it, because I often think I've done that or that I've left windows open, or the door unlocked etc etc. Only I came home to find the pot bubbling away - the food wasn't even burnt. I had been out of the house for hours - it could have been really bad. It was one of those big 'alhumdulillah!' moments.
So I exchanged a few messages with a 32 year old guy on one of the Muslim matchmaking sites. It seemed to be going ok, but when I asked him about whether he or his family had any dealbreakers with respect to a marriage partner, at first he said he didn't understand what that meant, the when I explained, his reply was that he wouldn't know how how to answer that so we weren't on the same wavelength, 'but you sound really nice.' I was a bit bemused lol. I can only assume that he got scared away that I was asking serious questions. I don't really expect to meet someone through these sites now - I've actually never physically met anyone through them, and the majority of messages are just silly or weird e.g:
title: u r my Dreamgirl???
I sent him a polite no thanks message and he said:
Hi
I am currently living in Karachi Pakistan having a reasonable job, however my cousin is in UK on migrant visa. he can meet your family on my behalf and can process further. I would be very gratefull if you consider to have a discussion with him also, he can explain about me and definitely you can always ping me for any thing.
waiting for your reply.
Regards
salam hi i have read your profile and i am very intrested in it .your profile is very impressing ..i am looking forward a relationship with you ....and i want to marry very soon ...
and i am independent person .and i would keep my patner happy till my last breath.....
if you are intrested my skype is [gave skype ID].......many thanks
So I exchanged a few messages with a 32 year old guy on one of the Muslim matchmaking sites. It seemed to be going ok, but when I asked him about whether he or his family had any dealbreakers with respect to a marriage partner, at first he said he didn't understand what that meant, the when I explained, his reply was that he wouldn't know how how to answer that so we weren't on the same wavelength, 'but you sound really nice.' I was a bit bemused lol. I can only assume that he got scared away that I was asking serious questions. I don't really expect to meet someone through these sites now - I've actually never physically met anyone through them, and the majority of messages are just silly or weird e.g:
title: u r my Dreamgirl???
I saw ur profile and it did attracted me cause of great personality ,How are u doing,Do you know that men and women are angels created with only one wing? And they need to embrace each other to be able to fly... I Hope to find my angel whom i can fly with forever.Inshallah
so i need to talk kindly tell me its possible or not?waiting 4 your reply...
so i need to talk kindly tell me its possible or not?waiting 4 your reply...
Hi
I am currently living in Karachi Pakistan having a reasonable job, however my cousin is in UK on migrant visa. he can meet your family on my behalf and can process further. I would be very gratefull if you consider to have a discussion with him also, he can explain about me and definitely you can always ping me for any thing.
waiting for your reply.
Regards
-------------------------------------------------------------------
title: romantic and openminded
i how are you? I liked your profile.
You seem really nice. Please have a look at my profile and let me know if you would like to have a chat ?
I only joined this a few months ago and not used it much.
How are you finding it? I am easy going guy, sporty,fun adventurous, Love to travel too and I can cook well too lol I know how to make nice aloo prathas so not really looking for someone to be tied to the cooker like most Asian guys lol Looking for someone I can enjoy life with! What about you ?
What did you get upto this week ? I was at my massage course this morning ...my last class next week almost complete my 8 week course. Just learning for personal interest.Today
learnt how to do Thai massage and the last 3 weeks sensual aromotherpy massage and learnt how to mix
different oils ... not my full time job lol. I enjoy it it's been fun. Apart from that been working and doing family stuff this week.
Anyway let me know if you would like to have a chat if not best of luck.PS sorry I don't have a pic but I am not bad I can send you one. I get whistled at when I go running lol If you would like a pic I can mms one to you I am on (he gave his mobile phone number)
Asslam O Alaikum :)
Its nice to see your profile which make me smiling and happy to contact you for this true relation. I am [name], Age 27 years, holding professional degree of B.E (Electronics) from the recognized university from Pakistan Engineering Council.
I don't say that i am a real practicing Muslim but i always try to become a good human and true Muslim. By nature, i am Caring, Soft spoken and having Humble and decent personality. I love to eat my favorite dishes and outing with family and friends. :D
Currently doing a job as an Assistant Manager in a well known company in Karachi. We live in Gulberg, Karachi belongs to Sunni Urdu speaking family from Lakhnow, We are 5 family members, rest of the two brothers are students, one is doing Electrical Engineering and the third one is in 9th class.
If Allah's will, After understanding and confirmation between us, My parents will discuss the details regarding marriage proposal from your parents.
I hope that you will reply soon. :)
title: romantic and openminded
i how are you? I liked your profile.
You seem really nice. Please have a look at my profile and let me know if you would like to have a chat ?
I only joined this a few months ago and not used it much.
How are you finding it? I am easy going guy, sporty,fun adventurous, Love to travel too and I can cook well too lol I know how to make nice aloo prathas so not really looking for someone to be tied to the cooker like most Asian guys lol Looking for someone I can enjoy life with! What about you ?
What did you get upto this week ? I was at my massage course this morning ...my last class next week almost complete my 8 week course. Just learning for personal interest.Today
learnt how to do Thai massage and the last 3 weeks sensual aromotherpy massage and learnt how to mix
different oils ... not my full time job lol. I enjoy it it's been fun. Apart from that been working and doing family stuff this week.
Anyway let me know if you would like to have a chat if not best of luck.PS sorry I don't have a pic but I am not bad I can send you one. I get whistled at when I go running lol If you would like a pic I can mms one to you I am on (he gave his mobile phone number)
It was the massage bit I found creepy.
Its nice to see your profile which make me smiling and happy to contact you for this true relation. I am [name], Age 27 years, holding professional degree of B.E (Electronics) from the recognized university from Pakistan Engineering Council.
I don't say that i am a real practicing Muslim but i always try to become a good human and true Muslim. By nature, i am Caring, Soft spoken and having Humble and decent personality. I love to eat my favorite dishes and outing with family and friends. :D
Currently doing a job as an Assistant Manager in a well known company in Karachi. We live in Gulberg, Karachi belongs to Sunni Urdu speaking family from Lakhnow, We are 5 family members, rest of the two brothers are students, one is doing Electrical Engineering and the third one is in 9th class.
If Allah's will, After understanding and confirmation between us, My parents will discuss the details regarding marriage proposal from your parents.
I hope that you will reply soon. :)
A bit hasty!
and i am independent person .and i would keep my patner happy till my last breath.....
if you are intrested my skype is [gave skype ID].......many thanks
also
I can speak proper English and after having 5 years spent in the UK I don't think anymore that I'm better than any British Born Pakistani muslim, I have just came to the same level I guess, so why not you prefer to like me for your days as a muslim ??
and
I SALAMS.
MEETING HERE TODAY WITH OUR GREAT PARENTS BLESSINGS
I FEEL WE CAN BE VERY LOVING COUPLE
THANKS,
MEETING HERE TODAY WITH OUR GREAT PARENTS BLESSINGS
I FEEL WE CAN BE VERY LOVING COUPLE
THANKS,
This is just a small selection of them - there's a depressingly large pool.
Thursday 23 May 2013
Another rejected rishta
Salaam.
So, another cousin tried to set up a rishta for me. It started well - we exchanged (for once, it was a two way thing - I think this was helped by my cousin making it clear it was an exchange, and not just a one way thing) profiles, and from his profile, it was clear his heart seemed to be in the right place, he gave a decent amount of information etc and when his mum talked to my mum, she seemed pleasant and polite, saying that she wanted to make sure I was OK with the guy's profile before going ahead. There were a couple of concerns - that the guy works part time and didn't seem clear on where he wanted to be, or have any interests or passions, and that he had a very quiet nature - not a problem in itself, but a lot of times this can be because the guy doesn't have a lot of confidence. Also something that I've only realised recently is a red flag - he mentioned certain negative things about himself that could be offputting. As I mentioned in one of my 'advice' posts, this was in my opinion one of the signs he wasn't really interested in marriage
This has only happened once before, but, I had a really bad feeling from the start that I was going to feel trapped. I think I have become quite good at reading between the lines of guys' profiles, because a lot of what I picked up from and felt negative about turned out to be a reality. I wouldn't have minded being proved wrong and for things to have all worked out great :/
My family however, had high hopes for this one - because it was a recommendation from someone we so respect. My Dad told me to be more friendly and relaxed with the family - to fit in better. My Mum was really annoyed at me that I was feeling negative, and felt that it showed I was being ungrateful for a good opportunity.
Their family came to visit - the guy, his parents and his brother with wife and 2 year old.
I went in with a tray of drinks (I have had so much practise at this I could now probably run lengths of the living room carrying a tray with glasses and drinks on it steadily, maybe even twirling the tray on my index finger like basketball players do with a basketball lol) and got warm salaams and hugs from the guy's mum and sister in law, who I had a short, friendly conversation with. Shortly after retreating back to the kitchen, it was time to talk to the guy alone (well, with the kitchen door wide open and my sister and Mum going in and out of the kitchen to do things). The guy was quite shy and softly spoken. Some things that made me a bit uneasy:
I can now conceivably imagine a choice of two negative futures for myself: (I know it could be much worse - but I'm being realistic)
1) I stay single forever. My parents don't like cats so I'll have a selection of imaginary cats and these that I talk to.
2) A marriage of convenience that makes me miserable (think Charlotte from pride and prejudice - see this and this. But it won't be for financial stability, since people with that quality wouldn't consider me, but just for marriage and the possibility of kids). I see a scenario where I'm with someone I find hideously unattractive (he makes Quasimodo look like Johnny Depp to me!) who lives at home, mooching off his parents (who are obese, lazy and falsely claiming benefits) and driving everyone nuts. He doesn't do much for them but says he loves them, so he says I should be devoted to them too - I have to cook for them all day, with them constantly making demands and interfering and at night, I have to pumice the corns off their feet (which are stomach churningly smelly, and infected with athlete's foot and various other things).They hate my guts because they think their darling prince could have done so much better. They are literally the desi version of Roald Dahl's 'The Twits'. We never move into our own place, have no role in the community and live far away from my own family, who I see once every five years. His brother and sister in law (an evil and lazy woman) stay at home too, plus their army of spoilt kids, so I have to wear my headscarf all the time, and never stop cleaning up poo and vomit.
OK, I'm being tongue in cheek dramatic lol, but I definitely feel things are looking quite bleak
Ahhh that was actually quite fun. Option 2 is what scares me about marriage, and compromising too much.It's what I see when I look at a rishta I don't like. I guess I feel like if you choose to knowingly marry someone you're not happy with, you'll blame yourself and ruin your life. I feel like it would destroy my iman. However, maybe if I flip things round, and envisage a good marriage, and whether a prospective rishta would fit into it, I'll be better off - after all. mental imagery is one of the techniques athletes use to succeed.
The main thing I find painful is the idea of not ever having kids - there are a lot of new babies to visit lately and I turn to mush every time I hold one, even though I don't envy the Mum's exhaustion and pain! When you see that innocence, purity and helplessness, it brings out the deepest duas.
Anyway, it seems that the choices of guys seem to be people who are impossibly fussy, or people who there is something not right with. And it seems that people are shocked at the audacity I have in having an opinion and saying no to a rishta, or having any criteria - "beggars can't be choosers". The whole search now feels like a joke, not something that could realistically lead to marriage.
Saying all that, I know that “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (al-Baqarah: 286) and I have to trust that what's happening in my life is His Divine plan that is best for me. “And seek help in patience and prayer…” [al-Baqarah; 45] inshaAllah
I have been working on my bucket list (things I definitely want to do before I die) - some of what I've done is: started learning to swim, to ride a bike, to sew and have been training to run 5k (couch to 5k) and increase my spiritual wellbeing through more prayers, fasting, Islamic classes and replacing listening to music with listening to Islamic talks. There are definitely so many more things to work on, especially before Ramadhan. I'm praying for all us single Muslims out there, and if other people pray for me too, may Allah grant them abundance in good (ameen!)
So, another cousin tried to set up a rishta for me. It started well - we exchanged (for once, it was a two way thing - I think this was helped by my cousin making it clear it was an exchange, and not just a one way thing) profiles, and from his profile, it was clear his heart seemed to be in the right place, he gave a decent amount of information etc and when his mum talked to my mum, she seemed pleasant and polite, saying that she wanted to make sure I was OK with the guy's profile before going ahead. There were a couple of concerns - that the guy works part time and didn't seem clear on where he wanted to be, or have any interests or passions, and that he had a very quiet nature - not a problem in itself, but a lot of times this can be because the guy doesn't have a lot of confidence. Also something that I've only realised recently is a red flag - he mentioned certain negative things about himself that could be offputting. As I mentioned in one of my 'advice' posts, this was in my opinion one of the signs he wasn't really interested in marriage
This has only happened once before, but, I had a really bad feeling from the start that I was going to feel trapped. I think I have become quite good at reading between the lines of guys' profiles, because a lot of what I picked up from and felt negative about turned out to be a reality. I wouldn't have minded being proved wrong and for things to have all worked out great :/
My family however, had high hopes for this one - because it was a recommendation from someone we so respect. My Dad told me to be more friendly and relaxed with the family - to fit in better. My Mum was really annoyed at me that I was feeling negative, and felt that it showed I was being ungrateful for a good opportunity.
Their family came to visit - the guy, his parents and his brother with wife and 2 year old.
I went in with a tray of drinks (I have had so much practise at this I could now probably run lengths of the living room carrying a tray with glasses and drinks on it steadily, maybe even twirling the tray on my index finger like basketball players do with a basketball lol) and got warm salaams and hugs from the guy's mum and sister in law, who I had a short, friendly conversation with. Shortly after retreating back to the kitchen, it was time to talk to the guy alone (well, with the kitchen door wide open and my sister and Mum going in and out of the kitchen to do things). The guy was quite shy and softly spoken. Some things that made me a bit uneasy:
- He didn't take his waterproof jacket off the whole time and had his hands folded and legs crossed almost the whole time. Hmm. The answer to every few questions contained 'I did/didn't do such and such because my Mum wanted me to' or 'because my Mum thinks...'. The guy was 30.
- He said he wanted a 1-2 year engagement so he could decide whether he wanted to get more religious, or if he wanted to travel etc. Hmm.
- When I asked what he got up to with the 5 days a week he has free, he said he was bored and didn't have much to do, but later on in the conversation, when I asked if he wanted to go to any Islamic classes, he said he didn't really have time because of his job. Hmm.
- He seemed to bristle when I talked about deen. Also, he kind of said that how much his spouse was involved in deen wasn't a top priority to him, and he didn't mind and didn't want to be judgemental. What people usually say is that they want their partner to be religious so they can encourage them, and be a good parent to children.
- He had a little monologue about how he'd want someone who could accept his faults (OK, fair enough, don't we all) but then he went on for a bit about how everyone has made mistakes and he'd made mistakes, but he'd want people to be ok with them. Hmm
- He didn't mention anything about settling down, or kids at any point
- When I asked what his dealbreakers were, he said there were none - this usually means that a) the guy hasn't thought about it enough to know what they are for him or b) he's telling fibs
- I felt like he kept looking at my chest
- When I asked if there was a difference between what he'd be looking for in a wife, and what his parents would look for in a daughter in law, he said he would like someone he could have a good time with, and his Mum would like someone who could help with the cooking and laundry
- None of the family members talked to each other at all really - there seemed to be some tension.
- After the visit, my Dad said he thought the guy didn't seem 'all there'. On reflection, I have to agree - something was just a bit off
- A couple of days after the visit, the guy's Mum called to ask what we thought. My Mum told her that I'd had some concerns and that there didn't seem to be much compatibility but thanked her for coming and gave her salaams and duas. She called again the next day to say that she'd told off her son about some of the things that he'd said, and that my Mum could pass his email address so I could tell him off too and work things out and get to know each other! It was quite funny and sad, really. She then tried to convince my Mum that we were a perfect match. And failed. My poor Mum - I could hear the conversation from the next room and it sounded so awkward and went on for a while.
I was really relieved when it was all over, and that my family agreed with my opinions. One of the things that I realised was that I found the lack of passion and goals in this rishta really unattractive. The thing is, I have those qualities too in certain aspects of my life, and it's made me re-evaluate myself and try to sort myself out in terms of career goals - I'm really floundering and feeling a bit lost about what I should do about it - which direction I should go in.
I can now conceivably imagine a choice of two negative futures for myself: (I know it could be much worse - but I'm being realistic)
1) I stay single forever. My parents don't like cats so I'll have a selection of imaginary cats and these that I talk to.
2) A marriage of convenience that makes me miserable (think Charlotte from pride and prejudice - see this and this. But it won't be for financial stability, since people with that quality wouldn't consider me, but just for marriage and the possibility of kids). I see a scenario where I'm with someone I find hideously unattractive (he makes Quasimodo look like Johnny Depp to me!) who lives at home, mooching off his parents (who are obese, lazy and falsely claiming benefits) and driving everyone nuts. He doesn't do much for them but says he loves them, so he says I should be devoted to them too - I have to cook for them all day, with them constantly making demands and interfering and at night, I have to pumice the corns off their feet (which are stomach churningly smelly, and infected with athlete's foot and various other things).They hate my guts because they think their darling prince could have done so much better. They are literally the desi version of Roald Dahl's 'The Twits'. We never move into our own place, have no role in the community and live far away from my own family, who I see once every five years. His brother and sister in law (an evil and lazy woman) stay at home too, plus their army of spoilt kids, so I have to wear my headscarf all the time, and never stop cleaning up poo and vomit.
OK, I'm being tongue in cheek dramatic lol, but I definitely feel things are looking quite bleak
Ahhh that was actually quite fun. Option 2 is what scares me about marriage, and compromising too much.It's what I see when I look at a rishta I don't like. I guess I feel like if you choose to knowingly marry someone you're not happy with, you'll blame yourself and ruin your life. I feel like it would destroy my iman. However, maybe if I flip things round, and envisage a good marriage, and whether a prospective rishta would fit into it, I'll be better off - after all. mental imagery is one of the techniques athletes use to succeed.
The main thing I find painful is the idea of not ever having kids - there are a lot of new babies to visit lately and I turn to mush every time I hold one, even though I don't envy the Mum's exhaustion and pain! When you see that innocence, purity and helplessness, it brings out the deepest duas.
Anyway, it seems that the choices of guys seem to be people who are impossibly fussy, or people who there is something not right with. And it seems that people are shocked at the audacity I have in having an opinion and saying no to a rishta, or having any criteria - "beggars can't be choosers". The whole search now feels like a joke, not something that could realistically lead to marriage.
Saying all that, I know that “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (al-Baqarah: 286) and I have to trust that what's happening in my life is His Divine plan that is best for me. “And seek help in patience and prayer…” [al-Baqarah; 45] inshaAllah
I have been working on my bucket list (things I definitely want to do before I die) - some of what I've done is: started learning to swim, to ride a bike, to sew and have been training to run 5k (couch to 5k) and increase my spiritual wellbeing through more prayers, fasting, Islamic classes and replacing listening to music with listening to Islamic talks. There are definitely so many more things to work on, especially before Ramadhan. I'm praying for all us single Muslims out there, and if other people pray for me too, may Allah grant them abundance in good (ameen!)
Saturday 18 May 2013
An older and wiser-ism
Something that I've slowly come to realise in my quest for self improvement and emotional resilience is this:
When someone has an angry outburst and some of what they've said is cutting, they haven't spent a long time saying it, or thinking over what they were going to say in all likelihood, so it doesn't make sense to spend a long time dwelling on it.
Part of the reason these things hurt is because there is an element of truth in them, so I've learned that the best thing is to recognise what's true, do my best to rectify it and move on without being defensive or saying something I'll regret, because after saying something, it can never be taken back, and nobody can know how what's said affects another person.
Also, the things I dislike in other people, or the things they do that hurt me, I'm going to try my best not to have those qualities or practices inshaAllah.
When someone has an angry outburst and some of what they've said is cutting, they haven't spent a long time saying it, or thinking over what they were going to say in all likelihood, so it doesn't make sense to spend a long time dwelling on it.
Part of the reason these things hurt is because there is an element of truth in them, so I've learned that the best thing is to recognise what's true, do my best to rectify it and move on without being defensive or saying something I'll regret, because after saying something, it can never be taken back, and nobody can know how what's said affects another person.
Also, the things I dislike in other people, or the things they do that hurt me, I'm going to try my best not to have those qualities or practices inshaAllah.
Wednesday 15 May 2013
Advice for searching for a spouse (rishta): Part 3: keeping up with the search
The thing is, none of us knows the whole plot for the story of our lives - it's good, because it means we have hope, and keeps us on out toes, but I guess when it comes to marriage, it can feel a bit frustrating sometimes.
Here are some things that have helped me keep positive, and keep the search going. Sorry if it comes across preachy, but I'm writing it to remind myself first and foremost, because it's easy to slip back into bad habits.
Istikhara
If you did istikhara after meeting someone and you got a definite negative feeling or it didn't work out, it's best to accept it and move on - never dwell on what could have been.
Du'a
Keep up your duas and never give up (speaking from experience)! Never ask why God isn't answering your prayers (I mentioned in the last post the 3 ways duas are answered) - sometimes something may be withheld from us because Allah loves to hear us pray to Him. Also, it's good to know times when dua is accepted and special people it's more accepted from.
http://www.islamawareness.net/Dua/best.html
http://muslimmatters.org/2008/08/06/the-dua-barometer-how-bad-do-you-want-it/
In Saheeh Muslim and Sunan Ibn Majah, it is narrated from Abu Darda that the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) said, 'The Dua of a person for his Muslim brother in his absence will be answered. At his head there is an angel, and every time he prays for him for something good, the angel who has been appointed to be with him, says, 'Ameen, may you have likewise.'
For this reason, I try to do du'a for past prospectives and their families (and obviously my near and dear ones). It also stops me from having any bad feeling towards them, and to be genuinely happy for them when they get married
The only thing that can come of doing du'a is good :)
Be grateful
Never dwell on those happy couples who seem to have it on - aspire to be like them for when you do inshaAllah get married, but look at people who are having a harder time than you and share advice or help them out.
Goals and flexibility
Getting older usually means getting more set in our ways. It's good to define your short term and long term goals and work some flexibility into the plans so as not to become too rigid. Don't put something off just because you think it will make you less appealing for marriage (e.g starting a new course) - you never know whether it will happen further in the future, or if you end up getting married soon, it could work out too. It's important to have a balance of worldly and deen goals. Your standards and priorities might change over time so it's good to go back and re-assess once in a while.
Learn from the past
Take a dispassionate look back at all of your past rishtas, see if there are any patterns in what people's issues were with you, anything you realised was a priority for you etc and you might be able to anticipate certain things, although you obviously can't ever know for sure. For example, I've noticed that when guy's mums are overfriendly and complimentary and try to rush things ahead, there's usually something dodgy about the guy.
Keep the search going
I always thought I'd be married, or at least engaged at 25 through my parents networking, or relatives putting a prospective forward, but that's not the way things have gone. I've learned that I have to put some effort into the search too. A few things I tried that have had some results:
Here are some things that have helped me keep positive, and keep the search going. Sorry if it comes across preachy, but I'm writing it to remind myself first and foremost, because it's easy to slip back into bad habits.
Istikhara
If you did istikhara after meeting someone and you got a definite negative feeling or it didn't work out, it's best to accept it and move on - never dwell on what could have been.
Du'a
Keep up your duas and never give up (speaking from experience)! Never ask why God isn't answering your prayers (I mentioned in the last post the 3 ways duas are answered) - sometimes something may be withheld from us because Allah loves to hear us pray to Him. Also, it's good to know times when dua is accepted and special people it's more accepted from.
http://www.islamawareness.net/Dua/best.html
http://muslimmatters.org/2008/08/06/the-dua-barometer-how-bad-do-you-want-it/
In Saheeh Muslim and Sunan Ibn Majah, it is narrated from Abu Darda that the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) said, 'The Dua of a person for his Muslim brother in his absence will be answered. At his head there is an angel, and every time he prays for him for something good, the angel who has been appointed to be with him, says, 'Ameen, may you have likewise.'
For this reason, I try to do du'a for past prospectives and their families (and obviously my near and dear ones). It also stops me from having any bad feeling towards them, and to be genuinely happy for them when they get married
The only thing that can come of doing du'a is good :)
Be grateful
Never dwell on those happy couples who seem to have it on - aspire to be like them for when you do inshaAllah get married, but look at people who are having a harder time than you and share advice or help them out.
Goals and flexibility
Getting older usually means getting more set in our ways. It's good to define your short term and long term goals and work some flexibility into the plans so as not to become too rigid. Don't put something off just because you think it will make you less appealing for marriage (e.g starting a new course) - you never know whether it will happen further in the future, or if you end up getting married soon, it could work out too. It's important to have a balance of worldly and deen goals. Your standards and priorities might change over time so it's good to go back and re-assess once in a while.
Learn from the past
Take a dispassionate look back at all of your past rishtas, see if there are any patterns in what people's issues were with you, anything you realised was a priority for you etc and you might be able to anticipate certain things, although you obviously can't ever know for sure. For example, I've noticed that when guy's mums are overfriendly and complimentary and try to rush things ahead, there's usually something dodgy about the guy.
Keep the search going
I always thought I'd be married, or at least engaged at 25 through my parents networking, or relatives putting a prospective forward, but that's not the way things have gone. I've learned that I have to put some effort into the search too. A few things I tried that have had some results:
- I told all my friends (including non Muslim) and family at some point that I'm single and looking – I was surprised that certain people thought I wasn’t interested in marriage, so hadn’t thought of looking for me. I made a list of what was essential, desirable and a no-no for potentials, and told them about that too.
- I asked my parents to do this too
- I persevered with matrimonial websites. I haven’t had much luck but know loads of people who got married after meeting through them.
- I asked my Islamic teachers/shaykhs to look out for me, or got other people to talk to them on my behalf (that was quite embarrassing but it’s had some results)
- I have been more observant about guys who are single and looking to get married
As with most other things in life, there are lulls and there are times when we can really think a prospective will work out and it doesn't, and it can get to us, but it's important to know that it's a journey and you'll come through it - the choice of what attitude to have and how patient and gracious to be through it is in our control though.
Thursday 4 April 2013
Advice for searching for a spouse (rishta): Part 2: meetings
So, whether you decide to meet up in the family home, or in public with a mehram (chaperone), meeting a random person to find out if you're compatible for marriage is awkward. Obviously my rishta advice is from a female perspective, and is just what has helped me. I'm sure a lot of it can apply to guys too.
There are some things that can be done to get the most out of meeting a rishta and decrease the nervousness and awkwardness. Here's some of what's worked for me. If you have anything to add, feel free!
Maximum information
Before arranging to meet someone, it's beneficial to have as much information as possible so that you know whether it's worth meeting. It's sometimes worth asking close friends/family whether they've heard of the person - some people are well known in a society for the right or wrong reasons. It can be useful to ask in a way that doesn't make it obvious it's regarding a rishta for you, because if people think you're already serious about a person, they're likely to want things to work out for you, so probably won't let on if there's anything negative about the person. I've seen quite a few situations now where a marriage doesn't work out, then lots of people say they knew the guy/girl was a bad person or had done such and such, but didn't want to say anything when asked their opinion because things were already serious between the couple.
Be careful who you ask as they may be biased due to e.g having a family feud with that person, having been rejected as a potential spouse for that person themselves etc. If you know their full name, it might be worth looking up their name on social networks to see if they have friends in common and a glimpse into what they're like. A picture says a thousand words, so if a guy's profile picture is of him in a nightclub holding an alcoholic drink and with scantily clad women draped over him, you may want to pass on meeting him!
Communication before meeting
If you have come across the person before hand e.g via an online matchmaking site or through friends/family passing on your details, or even the guy's parents passing on his email addres/phone numbers so you can find out if you're compatible beforehand, it's important to do this in a good way. It's important that things are kept purposeful and don't go too far. A good piece of advice I've been given is to communicate in a way that if someone you respect was listening to that phone call or reading your emails exchanged, you wouldn't be ashamed.
Beware of guys who:
Think of some questions
If you're new to rishta meetings, it can help to think of some questions to ask before meeting them (based on the information you have) - if you get really nervous and have a mind-blank when you're talking, these will probably come back to you! See 'Ask the right questions' below.
Be ready early
You'll feel more relaxed, be able to fix any wardrobe malfunctions, make-up mishaps etc and have time to do some du'as, dhikr etc. Also, I've heard some people like to turn up early to catch people unaware or 'test' them. So if you're ready early, you can feel all smug
Dress code
It's good to wear something that you feel comfortable and attractive in - generally something you've worn before. I tend to wear something mid-range i.e I would visit an acquaintance's house in it. Obviously it's important to dress modestly, but I feel it's important to dress in a similar manner as normal.
Wear socks
For some reason, Asian aunties like to stare at your feet, which can make you feel really self conscious. I've heard that guys are advised to look at a girl's feet to see what her real skin colour is, since a lot of girls use make-up or skin-lightening products on their faces. I don't know how true that is, but I have definitely felt the stares and it freaks me out :/
Other singles 'uglify'
Because my sisters and I look very alike, I have to guiltily admit that I get them to 'uglify' at rishta visits - glasses instead of contact lenses and a slightly dowdy outfit lol.
A signal system and a plan
My family and I have a signal system. When I've had enough of talking to a guy and want to escape, I scratch my wrist as a cue for someone to interrupt and e.g ask everyone if they want more tea and diffuse the meeting somehow. It depends on the setup. Definitely plan your entrance and escape! Also knowing where people are going to sit, who will bring things into the room and serve them etc can help too, if you're nervous.
Lots of food
I like to make sure there is a good amount of savouries prepared beforehand (usually samosas in my case - yum!) - a lot of Asians are diabetic so they son't eat a lot of sweet, so savoury is good. Also if there's a lot, it gives you something to look forward to after the visit. Whatever food it is, make sure it's something you can eat it comfortably and with dignity.
Another couple
Since I don't have brothers, I try to arrange the meeting with the presence of another young married couple so that the rishta guy has someone on his level he can talk to (since talking to my dad the whole time might be uncomfortable for him!) and I have some company. It has to be with people who I can trust to be discreet, and are relaxed and chatty but not overbearing. Luckily I have a choice of these in my family.
Be positive
You never know, this could be the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with happily inshaAllah.
Du'a
A couple of du'as that help me before rishta visits:
Rabbi yassir wa laa tu'assir wa tammim bil khayr.
Oh my Lord, make (it) easy and do not make it difficult, and make it end well.
Be yourself (everyone else is taken)*
There is absolutely no point in trying to come across as someone you're not, or to say things just because you think it's what people want to hear - it's a way of lying, and wrong on so many levels.
Pretend they're the same gender
It's easy to think of the other gender as another species - if you do that, it will probably just make you nervous so talk to the person as if they're someone you're just starting to befriend and trying to find out more about.
Trust your instincts
It's important to know the difference between feeling uncomfortable/nervous/awkward and just feeling really uncomfortable around a person because something just isn't right. If it's the latter, the chances are that the person's not right for you but try and find out more before just writing the person off.
Ask the right questions
To get the most relevant information, you need to ask the right questions for what's important to you e.g about lifestyle, religiousness, their relationship with their family, expectations of roles in a marriage, whether they would expect you to give up work after marriage or expect you to work an contribute equally financially, living arrangements, future plans. If something doesn't sit right with you, make a mental note of it. It might be a good idea to ask how they socialise and whether they drink alcohol - the guys who are party animals don't always look the type.
*Oscar Wilde
There are some things that can be done to get the most out of meeting a rishta and decrease the nervousness and awkwardness. Here's some of what's worked for me. If you have anything to add, feel free!
Before
Maximum information
Before arranging to meet someone, it's beneficial to have as much information as possible so that you know whether it's worth meeting. It's sometimes worth asking close friends/family whether they've heard of the person - some people are well known in a society for the right or wrong reasons. It can be useful to ask in a way that doesn't make it obvious it's regarding a rishta for you, because if people think you're already serious about a person, they're likely to want things to work out for you, so probably won't let on if there's anything negative about the person. I've seen quite a few situations now where a marriage doesn't work out, then lots of people say they knew the guy/girl was a bad person or had done such and such, but didn't want to say anything when asked their opinion because things were already serious between the couple.
Be careful who you ask as they may be biased due to e.g having a family feud with that person, having been rejected as a potential spouse for that person themselves etc. If you know their full name, it might be worth looking up their name on social networks to see if they have friends in common and a glimpse into what they're like. A picture says a thousand words, so if a guy's profile picture is of him in a nightclub holding an alcoholic drink and with scantily clad women draped over him, you may want to pass on meeting him!
Communication before meeting
If you have come across the person before hand e.g via an online matchmaking site or through friends/family passing on your details, or even the guy's parents passing on his email addres/phone numbers so you can find out if you're compatible beforehand, it's important to do this in a good way. It's important that things are kept purposeful and don't go too far. A good piece of advice I've been given is to communicate in a way that if someone you respect was listening to that phone call or reading your emails exchanged, you wouldn't be ashamed.
Beware of guys who:
- want to have endless meetings/ phonecalls where, at the end, you don't know anything more about them or their family
- are over friendly/flirtatious/complimentary - if they're like that with you, they're probably like that with lots of other girls
- dodge personal questions or change the subject when you ask about their friends/family/mutual friends - they may have something to hide
- say they don't want to involve family until they're sure this is the person they want to marry - they may be a commitment-phobe
- Give a ridiculously small amount of information or say things that make them sound bad - they may be trying to put you off because they're not interested, or ready to start looking for someone for marriage
- say they don't know what they're looking for or when asked what they think of certain things, say they don't mind - they may not be ready for rishta searching yet
- when asked what they'd be looking for in a partner, have a massive list of how she should dress, act, be with their family etc - they're usually control freaks
- barely say a word, while their sister/mother asks you all the questions and tell you what 'we' are looking for - that's not usually a healthy relationship
Think of some questions
If you're new to rishta meetings, it can help to think of some questions to ask before meeting them (based on the information you have) - if you get really nervous and have a mind-blank when you're talking, these will probably come back to you! See 'Ask the right questions' below.
Be ready early
You'll feel more relaxed, be able to fix any wardrobe malfunctions, make-up mishaps etc and have time to do some du'as, dhikr etc. Also, I've heard some people like to turn up early to catch people unaware or 'test' them. So if you're ready early, you can feel all smug
Dress code
It's good to wear something that you feel comfortable and attractive in - generally something you've worn before. I tend to wear something mid-range i.e I would visit an acquaintance's house in it. Obviously it's important to dress modestly, but I feel it's important to dress in a similar manner as normal.
Wear socks
For some reason, Asian aunties like to stare at your feet, which can make you feel really self conscious. I've heard that guys are advised to look at a girl's feet to see what her real skin colour is, since a lot of girls use make-up or skin-lightening products on their faces. I don't know how true that is, but I have definitely felt the stares and it freaks me out :/
Other singles 'uglify'
Because my sisters and I look very alike, I have to guiltily admit that I get them to 'uglify' at rishta visits - glasses instead of contact lenses and a slightly dowdy outfit lol.
A signal system and a plan
My family and I have a signal system. When I've had enough of talking to a guy and want to escape, I scratch my wrist as a cue for someone to interrupt and e.g ask everyone if they want more tea and diffuse the meeting somehow. It depends on the setup. Definitely plan your entrance and escape! Also knowing where people are going to sit, who will bring things into the room and serve them etc can help too, if you're nervous.
Lots of food
I like to make sure there is a good amount of savouries prepared beforehand (usually samosas in my case - yum!) - a lot of Asians are diabetic so they son't eat a lot of sweet, so savoury is good. Also if there's a lot, it gives you something to look forward to after the visit. Whatever food it is, make sure it's something you can eat it comfortably and with dignity.
Another couple
Since I don't have brothers, I try to arrange the meeting with the presence of another young married couple so that the rishta guy has someone on his level he can talk to (since talking to my dad the whole time might be uncomfortable for him!) and I have some company. It has to be with people who I can trust to be discreet, and are relaxed and chatty but not overbearing. Luckily I have a choice of these in my family.
Be positive
You never know, this could be the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with happily inshaAllah.
Du'a
A couple of du'as that help me before rishta visits:
Rabbi-'shrah li sadri wa yassirli amri wahlul 'uqdatan min lisani yafqahu qawli."
"O my Lord! Open for me my chest (grant me self-confidence, contentment, and boldness). And make loose the knot (the defect) from my tongue, (i.e. remove the incorrectness from my speech) That they understand my speech. (Qur'an 20:25-28)Rabbi yassir wa laa tu'assir wa tammim bil khayr.
Oh my Lord, make (it) easy and do not make it difficult, and make it end well.
During
Be yourself (everyone else is taken)*
There is absolutely no point in trying to come across as someone you're not, or to say things just because you think it's what people want to hear - it's a way of lying, and wrong on so many levels.
Pretend they're the same gender
It's easy to think of the other gender as another species - if you do that, it will probably just make you nervous so talk to the person as if they're someone you're just starting to befriend and trying to find out more about.
Trust your instincts
It's important to know the difference between feeling uncomfortable/nervous/awkward and just feeling really uncomfortable around a person because something just isn't right. If it's the latter, the chances are that the person's not right for you but try and find out more before just writing the person off.
Ask the right questions
To get the most relevant information, you need to ask the right questions for what's important to you e.g about lifestyle, religiousness, their relationship with their family, expectations of roles in a marriage, whether they would expect you to give up work after marriage or expect you to work an contribute equally financially, living arrangements, future plans. If something doesn't sit right with you, make a mental note of it. It might be a good idea to ask how they socialise and whether they drink alcohol - the guys who are party animals don't always look the type.
*Oscar Wilde
After
Review
After the rishta people have left, I usually have a chat with everyone who was there from my family about their thoughts on the guy and his family, any positive and negative points and discuss anything that didn't sit right with me. It's important at this point to think of anything you'd like to know more about and remember to ask about it if you meet again. After this point, it's important not to think about it too much, over analyse or beat yourself up for 'messing things up'. If something is meant for you, it will definitely happen and nothing or nobody can stop that. If it's not meant for you, it's Allah's will so don't question it - it's for the best. Learn from the experience and move on.
Istikhara
Even though in Asian culture, it's the guy's side who decides whether there will be any further meetings etc, it's good to do istikhara to see whether a positive or negative feeling develops. To be honest, I only do it once I know that they're interested.
Further meetings
If the guy's side is interested they'll want to meet again. If you do, it's a good opportunity to find out anything you want to know more about. It can sometimes be a good idea to ask certain questions you already asked last time - if you get different answers both times, this can be a big red flag, so be careful. Of course, there's a possibility that their answer has changed because their situation has changed, so definitely find out more.
Relax
It's over! InshaAllah your search will end soon, successfully :)
Wednesday 3 April 2013
Musing: My theory on shallowness in UK desis
I've been philosophising on why a lot of guys and their parents (ok ok some girls too) are so shallow - and not just when it comes to rishtas. I mean apart from the unrealistic images propagated by the media etc etc. The amount of times I've heard that 'so and so is so UGLY' or 'but they live in such and such a part of town (eww)' truly baffles me. It's so much worse when it comes from people older than me. It was God who gave us our looks and our situations to an extent, so I just find it really unacceptably arrogant to belittle people because of those things.
Here's my theory/whine-fest/ramble: when the generation of my parents moved to the UK, it was for economic reasons - the aim was to do well so that the next generation would be better off and wouldn't have to go through the hardship they did. Even though it was for economic purposes, it was usually for their future family and for their family back home that they wanted to do well. They clubbed together to make things better for each other since they knew they were all in the same boat. They cared about each other, and they felt grateful for being part of this economy.They then taught their children that making money is reeeeeally important, and that they should have the best. Most of us were told to concentrate on our studies and getting ahead in life. I don't think there's anything wrong with striving for being financially successful, but with that being the sole aim in life and for it to be what we look for in others.
I feel like a lot of my generation of UK desis feel little sense of societal responsibility. They don't feel they owe much to 'the goray' (white people) so don't do much in the way of helping out the community in that way, and in our own society, many of our elders are being put in care homes, or deteriorating after they stop working because they don't have hobbies (since they felt their only purpose in life was to provide for or bring up their family), and there are many Muslim kids in foster care who have extended families who haven't taken them in. And then when someone in the community tries to focus on and tackle one problem, people pounce on them, telling them what to do, how to do it, and that they should also be doing x, y and z. I hate it when people say 'why isn't anyone doing anything about it?' - well maybe we should all start off with ourselves, and our own families. I think a huge part of really understanding what's deeply important in life (as opposed to e.g good looks, a big bank balance etc) is gained by focusing on issues outside the self - helping other people and causes. I think what with the internet, mobile phones etc, we live in a society that is so used to instant gratification, we want everything to be immediate so don't give it a chance, even extending this to relationships, which shouldn't really be disposable. Maybe that's why Allah gave us families: your family, whether or not you get on with them, will always be your family, and that relationship is something so valuable. It was only when the rishta search was in full swing that I truly appreciated mine on a deeper level. May Allah shower His blessings on them all (ameen)
Here's my theory/whine-fest/ramble: when the generation of my parents moved to the UK, it was for economic reasons - the aim was to do well so that the next generation would be better off and wouldn't have to go through the hardship they did. Even though it was for economic purposes, it was usually for their future family and for their family back home that they wanted to do well. They clubbed together to make things better for each other since they knew they were all in the same boat. They cared about each other, and they felt grateful for being part of this economy.They then taught their children that making money is reeeeeally important, and that they should have the best. Most of us were told to concentrate on our studies and getting ahead in life. I don't think there's anything wrong with striving for being financially successful, but with that being the sole aim in life and for it to be what we look for in others.
I feel like a lot of my generation of UK desis feel little sense of societal responsibility. They don't feel they owe much to 'the goray' (white people) so don't do much in the way of helping out the community in that way, and in our own society, many of our elders are being put in care homes, or deteriorating after they stop working because they don't have hobbies (since they felt their only purpose in life was to provide for or bring up their family), and there are many Muslim kids in foster care who have extended families who haven't taken them in. And then when someone in the community tries to focus on and tackle one problem, people pounce on them, telling them what to do, how to do it, and that they should also be doing x, y and z. I hate it when people say 'why isn't anyone doing anything about it?' - well maybe we should all start off with ourselves, and our own families. I think a huge part of really understanding what's deeply important in life (as opposed to e.g good looks, a big bank balance etc) is gained by focusing on issues outside the self - helping other people and causes. I think what with the internet, mobile phones etc, we live in a society that is so used to instant gratification, we want everything to be immediate so don't give it a chance, even extending this to relationships, which shouldn't really be disposable. Maybe that's why Allah gave us families: your family, whether or not you get on with them, will always be your family, and that relationship is something so valuable. It was only when the rishta search was in full swing that I truly appreciated mine on a deeper level. May Allah shower His blessings on them all (ameen)
Tuesday 26 March 2013
Advice for searching for a spouse (rishta): Part 1 - Mental preparation
I've decided it's time to put down some advice I wish I'd had and/or heeded when I first started this process. I'm definitely still learning! I'll probably keep adding to this as I go along my journey/remember other things. I would love to hear other people's too :)
This first part is about preparation and having the right attitude from the outset. Part 2 will be about the actual search and part 3 will be about keeping the search going - I think - inshaAllah (I haven't really decided yet).
Here goes
Know what your ultimate goal is (so don't get obsessed with 'the search'!)
At any given point, be sure you know your sole purpose in life is to worship Allah, and marriage is a means to doing this, not an ultimate goal in itself. It's very easy to become obsessed. FreelyEnslaved (read her blog!) has an excellent post on this. Also, getting obsessive can lead to despair or getting desperate, which are not only unbecoming but can damage your faith in Allah. Remember that we're going to ultimately be judged as individuals - not couples!
Know yourself
You're considering spending your life with someone who hasn't had a lifetime to know all your good and bad qualities, habits, tendencies etc, so will probably ask about them - if you haven't thought about these aspects, this can be confusing. Understand what your weaknesses are and work on them, and know what brings out the best in you, what makes you respect people (this is really important), what you love about your friends (is there anything they all have in common?), what puts you off people etc. Ask your friends and family about what they think your strengths and weaknesses are, your good and bad qualities, what brings out the best and worst in you, and their opinion - if nothing else, it's a self esteem booster, and might help you in other aspects of life e.g career too.
Manage Expectations
Talk to people who are married about what they were looking for, how they got married etc and seek their advice! Not only will you find out things that surprise you but you'll bond with them and most probably have a laugh.. Try to talk to a variety of people e.g those who live with in-laws, those who met at work or were introduced by family, interracial/cultural marriages etc so as to understand some of the issues, and to give you some idea of what would and wouldn't work for you and what married life is really like. You might be surprised!
Know what you want
It's very easy to say 'I'll know when I see it', and that may be true for some people, but it definitely helps to have an idea of what's essential, desirable what you can be flexible on and what's a total no-no for you. Think about what you can't live with, what you can't live without, what you're flexible about, the kind of people who bring out the best and worst in you, the qualities you love in others etc
Be your best
Don't compare yourself to others - everyone's path in life is different. It may be that by staying single, you're avoiding people who are bad for you, or there's something you need to achieve or that you need to work on, or it's just not the right thing for you just yet. If you try to be the best person that you can, in every facet of your life, you will minimise regrets and have lots of goals and hope for the future. For example, n the last few years, I've started to take a lot more care of myself in terms of diet and fitness, and know that I feel and look well alhumdulillah - in the rishta search, this is really important!
Good Company
You're not alone in your singledom! It's good to have a few friends who are in the same situation - you can vent, learn from each other's experience, encourage one another and be each other's shoulder to cry on, or be truly, meaningfully happy for them when they find someone. They can also be a source of information about potential suitors too.
Pressure
People will probably try to make you panic by telling you stories of those who were too picky when they were young, then ended up being scorned loser-y spinsters at 50. Yes, this can happen, but don't confuse having principles and standards with being too picky. Don't let it put you off either - in Islam, the ultimate decision is with the man and woman getting married, so you're perfectly entitled to your decisions.
Open-mindedness
Try to have a non-judgemental attitude and not be too restrictive. The fact is that we actually don't know what's best for us. "...it may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you, and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you; and Allah knows while you know not" [Qur'an 2:216].
Be careful what you say - I've seen so many examples of people saying statements like "I would never be with someone short" or parents who have said they would never let their child marry someone Bengali, and they have ended up with exactly that! Maybe it's God teaching us a lesson in humility and not being prejudiced :).
Be positive
If you stay positive, you'll get the best out of life no matter what comes your way. Inevitably, there are times in life when you feel down - in those situations, be kind to yourself, understand that it's a phase, and every phase is temporary - you'll get through it inshaAllah.
Take criticism graciously
It's very likely that if you're single and have been looking to get married, people will give you 'advice' about what you're doing wrong. Being defensive only serves to either hurt people's feelings if they're being sincere, or give them ammunition to bitch about you if they're being nasty, so it's better to be polite and accepting or correct them in the best way if they've said something wrong. Some things can be hurtful but helpful, so it's best to be receptive. E.g when a few people point out to you that you've put on weight and it might be hindering you - it might be time to sort out your diet and fitness!
Appreciate your singledom
When you're single, it's likely that you'll have more time of your own - it's the perfect time to explore and further your passions and interests, spend precious time with your friends and family, create good habits, do charity work that interests you and gain Islamic knowledge - if you get married, these will create a great foundation for good relationships and great habits for if/when you become a parent, and if you don't, you've become a better person - it's a win-win situation.
Make du'a
Du'a is one of the few things that can change your destiny. Du'as can be answered in 3 ways:
1) What you ask for is given to you immediately.
2) A calamity is averted from you.
3) The du'a is not answered in this dunya (this life); you are rewarded for it in the aakhira (the next life). There is no doubt that the du'a will be answered. Allah does not make the dua appear on the tongue , except that He wants to answer it.
So again, it's a win-win situation
Here are a few from the Qur'an. These are important because they were originally done with sincerity, then accepted by Allah and preserved for our benefit.
This first part is about preparation and having the right attitude from the outset. Part 2 will be about the actual search and part 3 will be about keeping the search going - I think - inshaAllah (I haven't really decided yet).
Here goes
Know what your ultimate goal is (so don't get obsessed with 'the search'!)
At any given point, be sure you know your sole purpose in life is to worship Allah, and marriage is a means to doing this, not an ultimate goal in itself. It's very easy to become obsessed. FreelyEnslaved (read her blog!) has an excellent post on this. Also, getting obsessive can lead to despair or getting desperate, which are not only unbecoming but can damage your faith in Allah. Remember that we're going to ultimately be judged as individuals - not couples!
Know yourself
You're considering spending your life with someone who hasn't had a lifetime to know all your good and bad qualities, habits, tendencies etc, so will probably ask about them - if you haven't thought about these aspects, this can be confusing. Understand what your weaknesses are and work on them, and know what brings out the best in you, what makes you respect people (this is really important), what you love about your friends (is there anything they all have in common?), what puts you off people etc. Ask your friends and family about what they think your strengths and weaknesses are, your good and bad qualities, what brings out the best and worst in you, and their opinion - if nothing else, it's a self esteem booster, and might help you in other aspects of life e.g career too.
Manage Expectations
Talk to people who are married about what they were looking for, how they got married etc and seek their advice! Not only will you find out things that surprise you but you'll bond with them and most probably have a laugh.. Try to talk to a variety of people e.g those who live with in-laws, those who met at work or were introduced by family, interracial/cultural marriages etc so as to understand some of the issues, and to give you some idea of what would and wouldn't work for you and what married life is really like. You might be surprised!
Know what you want
It's very easy to say 'I'll know when I see it', and that may be true for some people, but it definitely helps to have an idea of what's essential, desirable what you can be flexible on and what's a total no-no for you. Think about what you can't live with, what you can't live without, what you're flexible about, the kind of people who bring out the best and worst in you, the qualities you love in others etc
Be your best
Don't compare yourself to others - everyone's path in life is different. It may be that by staying single, you're avoiding people who are bad for you, or there's something you need to achieve or that you need to work on, or it's just not the right thing for you just yet. If you try to be the best person that you can, in every facet of your life, you will minimise regrets and have lots of goals and hope for the future. For example, n the last few years, I've started to take a lot more care of myself in terms of diet and fitness, and know that I feel and look well alhumdulillah - in the rishta search, this is really important!
Good Company
You're not alone in your singledom! It's good to have a few friends who are in the same situation - you can vent, learn from each other's experience, encourage one another and be each other's shoulder to cry on, or be truly, meaningfully happy for them when they find someone. They can also be a source of information about potential suitors too.
Pressure
People will probably try to make you panic by telling you stories of those who were too picky when they were young, then ended up being scorned loser-y spinsters at 50. Yes, this can happen, but don't confuse having principles and standards with being too picky. Don't let it put you off either - in Islam, the ultimate decision is with the man and woman getting married, so you're perfectly entitled to your decisions.
Open-mindedness
Try to have a non-judgemental attitude and not be too restrictive. The fact is that we actually don't know what's best for us. "...it may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you, and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you; and Allah knows while you know not" [Qur'an 2:216].
Be careful what you say - I've seen so many examples of people saying statements like "I would never be with someone short" or parents who have said they would never let their child marry someone Bengali, and they have ended up with exactly that! Maybe it's God teaching us a lesson in humility and not being prejudiced :).
Be positive
If you stay positive, you'll get the best out of life no matter what comes your way. Inevitably, there are times in life when you feel down - in those situations, be kind to yourself, understand that it's a phase, and every phase is temporary - you'll get through it inshaAllah.
Take criticism graciously
It's very likely that if you're single and have been looking to get married, people will give you 'advice' about what you're doing wrong. Being defensive only serves to either hurt people's feelings if they're being sincere, or give them ammunition to bitch about you if they're being nasty, so it's better to be polite and accepting or correct them in the best way if they've said something wrong. Some things can be hurtful but helpful, so it's best to be receptive. E.g when a few people point out to you that you've put on weight and it might be hindering you - it might be time to sort out your diet and fitness!
Appreciate your singledom
When you're single, it's likely that you'll have more time of your own - it's the perfect time to explore and further your passions and interests, spend precious time with your friends and family, create good habits, do charity work that interests you and gain Islamic knowledge - if you get married, these will create a great foundation for good relationships and great habits for if/when you become a parent, and if you don't, you've become a better person - it's a win-win situation.
Make du'a
Du'a is one of the few things that can change your destiny. Du'as can be answered in 3 ways:
1) What you ask for is given to you immediately.
2) A calamity is averted from you.
3) The du'a is not answered in this dunya (this life); you are rewarded for it in the aakhira (the next life). There is no doubt that the du'a will be answered. Allah does not make the dua appear on the tongue , except that He wants to answer it.
So again, it's a win-win situation
Here are a few from the Qur'an. These are important because they were originally done with sincerity, then accepted by Allah and preserved for our benefit.
"Rabbana aatina fid-dunya hasanatan wa fil aakhirati hasanatan waqina 'adhaban-nar."
"Our Lord! grant us good in this world and good in the hereafter, and save us from the chastisement of the fire." (2:201)
"Rabbana aatina min ladunka rahmatan wa hayyi' lana min amrina rashada."
"Our Lord! give us mercy from Your presence, and shape for us right conduct in our plight." (18:10)
"Rabbanaa hab lanaa min azwaajina wa dhuriyyaatina qurrata A'yunin waj'alnaa lil-muttaqina imama."
"Our Lord! grant us in our mates and offspring the joy of our eyes and make us an example for those who guard against evil." (25:74)
Thursday 14 February 2013
....and another
Recently, my parents visited some old family friends who they'd fallen out of touch with. Inevitably, the subject of marriage came up and my parents told hem about our rishta woes. A few days later, we got a phone call from some randoms to say that the aforementioned family friends had recommended that our families be introduced as they had an unmarried son. It's nice when people do things like that.
Anyway, they decided to come and visit. They brought their unmarried son, plus his older brother, who was married - they didn't bring either of his sisters, which meant I had no female company :(. Both of his parents walked with a walking stick, which is a shame - I didn't realise until recently how fit and healthy my parents are in comparison to most desi people their age mashaAllah. When I walked in the room to say salaams, it was maghrib time, so everyone was bustling around (I planned it like this so I only had to greet everyone and pray, instead of sitting around awkwardly for what would feel like a lifetime!).
I walked into the room and greeted everyone there - it was the guy, his mum and my dad (the others had gone to the bathroom). So I assumed the guy's mum was sitting down and praying, because when I came in and said my salaams, she stared straight ahead, so I didn't go up to her and hug her. But then my dad suggested that the ladies go into the other room, so I realised she wasn't, and she had just ignored me. Awkward. The guy himself seemed quite a nice, decent, well rounded person, and talking to him was fine. It just felt like there was something weird going on - like his parents instantly realised this wasn't what they were looking for, or that they felt obligated to come in the first place as family friends put the suggestion forward, or maybe they wanted the guy to marry 'back home' - as his other 3 siblings had. They didn't give much away about their son, and the guy's mum took some supari (weird stuff that people from the indopak region chew) out of her pocket and sat there chewing it and not really talking.
Anyway, after it, my family and I discussed what we thought and were pretty sure that nothing would come of the visit: I felt fine - just numb. Same plot, slightly different characters and weirdnesses (yes that's now officially a word)
Needless to say, my mum phoned to ask what they thought (expecting a 'thanks but no thanks' but just wanting to get closure) - and apparently the guy's mum wasn't available to talk. I think it's quite safe to take that as a no.
Allah is the best of planners - here's a nice quote someone put on facebook that made me think:
"What if I told you 10 years from now your life would be exactly the same? Would you be happy about this? Doubtful. So, why are you so afraid of change?"
Anyway, they decided to come and visit. They brought their unmarried son, plus his older brother, who was married - they didn't bring either of his sisters, which meant I had no female company :(. Both of his parents walked with a walking stick, which is a shame - I didn't realise until recently how fit and healthy my parents are in comparison to most desi people their age mashaAllah. When I walked in the room to say salaams, it was maghrib time, so everyone was bustling around (I planned it like this so I only had to greet everyone and pray, instead of sitting around awkwardly for what would feel like a lifetime!).
I walked into the room and greeted everyone there - it was the guy, his mum and my dad (the others had gone to the bathroom). So I assumed the guy's mum was sitting down and praying, because when I came in and said my salaams, she stared straight ahead, so I didn't go up to her and hug her. But then my dad suggested that the ladies go into the other room, so I realised she wasn't, and she had just ignored me. Awkward. The guy himself seemed quite a nice, decent, well rounded person, and talking to him was fine. It just felt like there was something weird going on - like his parents instantly realised this wasn't what they were looking for, or that they felt obligated to come in the first place as family friends put the suggestion forward, or maybe they wanted the guy to marry 'back home' - as his other 3 siblings had. They didn't give much away about their son, and the guy's mum took some supari (weird stuff that people from the indopak region chew) out of her pocket and sat there chewing it and not really talking.
Anyway, after it, my family and I discussed what we thought and were pretty sure that nothing would come of the visit: I felt fine - just numb. Same plot, slightly different characters and weirdnesses (yes that's now officially a word)
Needless to say, my mum phoned to ask what they thought (expecting a 'thanks but no thanks' but just wanting to get closure) - and apparently the guy's mum wasn't available to talk. I think it's quite safe to take that as a no.
Allah is the best of planners - here's a nice quote someone put on facebook that made me think:
"What if I told you 10 years from now your life would be exactly the same? Would you be happy about this? Doubtful. So, why are you so afraid of change?"
Thursday 24 January 2013
Another year, another rishta
Salaam people!
Yes, there was another rishta to start the year off.
No interesting stories though. The rishta was a recommendation from one of my aunts. The guy and his mother came over. He was in his 30s, newly seeking because of family circumstances that had previously made it difficult. He was ok, but not very interested in the deen, and constantly mentioned the gym (I've noticed that the amount of times a guy mentions the gym seems to be proportional to how tubby he is - the bigger the guy, the more he seems to want to prove he works out. Weird). It was pretty obvious from the first couple of minutes of conversation that we just weren't compatible - we hardly had anything in common and didn't 'click' at all. Also, his mother was a little bit too nosey - asking about the price of my parents' house and how they paid for it, amongst other things. I wasn't very interested and they didn't call or anything. Overall, I guess it left me feeling more positive - that there are guys out there, and that they're not all total weirdos.
At around the same time, another lady phoned my mum to say she was looking for someone for her son. She said she would be going shopping the next day, and would pop round with her daughter to 'view' me as well. My mum was not amused at the way she obviously perceived girls as meat - something to window shop around to find the best deal for, before her son having to be involved.
Of course the search will go on inshaAllah, but it's not everything. It's time for me to re-evaluate and take action on some of the things I've always wanted to do, to try to make them a reality. The whole marriage thing may or may not happen, but other good things certainly can, bi idhnillah (with the permission of Allah).
Hope everyone else's year has started well :)
Yes, there was another rishta to start the year off.
No interesting stories though. The rishta was a recommendation from one of my aunts. The guy and his mother came over. He was in his 30s, newly seeking because of family circumstances that had previously made it difficult. He was ok, but not very interested in the deen, and constantly mentioned the gym (I've noticed that the amount of times a guy mentions the gym seems to be proportional to how tubby he is - the bigger the guy, the more he seems to want to prove he works out. Weird). It was pretty obvious from the first couple of minutes of conversation that we just weren't compatible - we hardly had anything in common and didn't 'click' at all. Also, his mother was a little bit too nosey - asking about the price of my parents' house and how they paid for it, amongst other things. I wasn't very interested and they didn't call or anything. Overall, I guess it left me feeling more positive - that there are guys out there, and that they're not all total weirdos.
At around the same time, another lady phoned my mum to say she was looking for someone for her son. She said she would be going shopping the next day, and would pop round with her daughter to 'view' me as well. My mum was not amused at the way she obviously perceived girls as meat - something to window shop around to find the best deal for, before her son having to be involved.
Of course the search will go on inshaAllah, but it's not everything. It's time for me to re-evaluate and take action on some of the things I've always wanted to do, to try to make them a reality. The whole marriage thing may or may not happen, but other good things certainly can, bi idhnillah (with the permission of Allah).
Hope everyone else's year has started well :)
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