Time has flown by and crawled by simultaneously for me for the last few months. I feel like I can't gauge it.
Rishta wise, same old situation. I've signed up with the local mosque matchmaking service, who, on reviewing my filled in form, said they were glad that I was 'flexible', but asked me if I was sure I wouldn't consider someone not born in the UK? Someone Algerian? Someone born in Pakistan? My answer was a diplomatic 'only in exceptional circumstances.' - the older I get, the more I want commonality, familiarity, home-ness (not back home-ness). Another of my cousins is looking into someone for me.
I have been struggling with some health issues - feeling tired and sore. I've been referred to a clinic, so will see how things go. Other health issues have cropped up too and are starting to bother me, and I'll need to get those checked up too.
I've been struggling to cope in general in all honesty. I've been dragging myself through the days, and finding the simple things overwhelming. I want to hibernate. I've realised part of this feeling is seasonal. In the summer I have so much hope for the future - so many plans.I run around, busy and inspired. By the winter I realise I've been running on the spot - I haven't achieved anything and I'm in the same old place. I don't know what to do. I have a problem with low self esteem and just can't see myself doing anything else. There are some little things though.
I help teach kids Quranic Arabic. I love the kids and I enjoy teaching them, but every week I struggle with myself to go. A few times I've made excuses not to, and justified it to myself. I realise it's self sabotage in some way. I think I'm scared of commitment/responsibility maybe? I have been getting help with my own Quranic recitation too, and it's a great feeling alhumdulillah.
I realised I'd been avoiding friends for months on end, so spent the last week getting back in contact and arranging meet-ups. I'm amazingly lucky to have the people in life that I do.
I have family weddings to go to - ones that I can really look forward to, have a laugh planning things, parties where I can get dressed up and let my hair down, .
I know this post was a bit jumbled, and probably a bit self pitying - I just needed to vent. I would really appreciate some duas too!
