Alhumdulillah - it's happening!

Salaam,

so the last time I posted, I mentioned a rishta meeting. Well - a couple more meetings and a good few emails later, I decided that this was it - I had met the man I wanted to marry. Things have been so surreal, but alhumdulillah, I'm really happy.

InshaAllah the wedding will be in summer 2015.

A couple of things I didn't expect that would happen with me with regards to marriage:
1. the man in question is a year younger than me (I thought I would marry someone much older than me)
2. I'm going to be living with his family - I had always said I wouldn't want to, but his reasoning for it is sound, and his family are lovely mashaAllah. After I did istikhara, it just didn't seem much of an issue. I definitely think it will be challenging at times, but inshaAllah it will be fine.

Because I was resigned to the probability of being single for life, I had never thought about how I would want my wedding or my marriage to be, so things have been quite overwhelming. I had also never considered how difficult I would find being the centre of attention, given that I'm painfully shy!

Please remember me in your duas, and if you have any wedding/marriage advice, I'd love to know!

Rishta happenings

Salaam,

So life has been busy since Ramadan. One thing I'm really grateful for is that I managed to go to taraweeh every night in Ramadan - it was great alhumdulillah. Every couple of nights, I would say salaam to whoever was sitting beside me. There was one lady who would often sit beside me and make conversation, which, towards the end of Ramadan, started becoming increasingly rishta-style - eventually she started telling me about her son. This all sounded promising (an auntie who actually likes me for me!) but then one day she mentioned her son's name and my heart sank. A couple of years ago, my uncle had suggested this guy for me, but when he broached the suggestion to the guy and his dad, they refused to consider me as a prospective as my parents are not of a high enough educational background apparently (they both have degrees and jobs, but they wanted them to be 'professionals'). So either the auntie had different views from her husband or son, or had changed them. Anyway, nothing came of it.

I was also in contact with someone on a Muslim matrimonial site who someone had recommended I contact. He was a paediatrician, divorced and bitter sounding, and seemed to have a long list of exacting standards of how people should conduct themselves. However, nothing came of this either. (I think it was after he told me how his family were all major academics and medics, and I told him my family were a mixture, he stopped replying - rude!). I don't understand how people can be so snobbish about someone who they haven't had a proper conversation with, never mind met.

Anyway, a while ago my cousin told me her friend had suggested that I would be a good match for her brother. I didn't hear any more about it until recently. The family came over to visit and the guy and his family seemed nice. There have been a few emails back and forth between me and the guy and another meeting of the families has been planned. I'm going to keep doing dua that God gives me the ability to make good decisions and judgements, stay relaxed and see how it goes. There are a couple of things about him and his family that are unique - things I hadn't considered before, that I need to find out more about, but I'm happy that someone who seems nice hasn't immediately dismissed me as a prospect for shallow reasons - and that the guy's mum treated me with warmth and respect Alhamdulillah - even if this goes nowhere, I'm glad that there are people like that out there.

Update

Salaam,

things are much the same. I am still very much feeling down, dissatisfied and despairing about what little I've achieved in life, and what my personality is like - I'm even boring myself. I think I need to seriously address my self esteem problems and my lack of assertiveness. I've learned that the biggest changes in my life have always come after feeling like I've hit rock bottom. So I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Ramadan is a light and I can't wait for the opportunities and spiritual experiences there. I need to focus and improve.

There was another rishta that came - the guy was nice enough but even though he was the same age, he just seemed very young and inexperienced with life - he just wasn't compatible. For the first time in my history of rishtas, the guy's mum was lovely - she was chatting to me without interrogating or looking me up and down, and she spoke english with me - joy of joys! If I was going to pick a mother in law, it would be someone like her. The family were nice too - they came exactly at the time that they said they would come - which was also a first, and I didn't have a sense of dread before it - which is extremely rare for me too. The whole thing was pretty painless to be honest - even though none of my sisters were there to keep me company during it, I thing I held my own quite well for once. The guy's mum phoned a couple of days after the visit to say that her husband (who hadn't come for the visit) had done istikhara and it was a 'no' - but she said it was lovely meeting us and was happy to have met a nice family - very polite of her.

So apart from that I've been getting rejections from people on matchmaking sites on the basis of my photos, and to be honest, I haven't been very good at replying to the messages I do get from time to time since I have such a low level of trust for people on these sites now due to past experience

I'm hoping that my next post will be more positive inshaAllah

Musing on.....struggling

I'm still struggling to cope with life. And there is no news on the rishta front, as usual. I don't really mind - I'm struggling with myself at the moment and I need to sort myself out before searching again. Maybe part of the reason it hasn't happened  is because I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I just don't have that much interest in the rishta thing at the moment. Besides, I think I am officially considered a spinster now - a write off. At social gatherings, people no longer joke with me now that 'It's your turn next....' - they awkwardly bypass me and address the younger women. The first time it happened, I barely registered it, but it's happened a couple more times now. My 30th birthday will be towards the end of the year inshaAllah, and I think I'm having a midlife crisis. Actually in all honesty I'm a bit dramatic so large phases of my life have been 'a crisis' lol.

I'm struggling with socialising (I'm writing a separate post on this)

I'm struggling with the fact that some of the people I love are ill. Seriously ill.  It's not just the person themselves that has to cope but their spouse, kids and all the other relatives. It hurts everyone. It's difficult to know how often to visit, how to act. Too cheerful and it seems like you don't care or aren't acknowledging it. Too serious and you put a downer on everything.

I'm struggling career-wise. I have very little savings and the nature of my job is that I work sporadically and not very many hours - and have to find another job for about 4 months of the year. I'm not even that good at it. But I enjoy it and have a few years experience of it now. I have considered a career change a few times but have never gone through with it. I am a bit more realistic about what I can do and what I want to do now though. I think.

I'm struggling with my health. Certain things have been ruled out from the blood tests that were run. But I'm still having problems. My GP suggested it was stress. Stress??? My life is a comfortable one. My job isn't demanding. The people I don't get on so well with, I don't have to deal with very often. So I don't feel "stressed". I think I probably have a high baseline level of anxiety but don't know if that's the same thing? Or maybe I'm just a hypochondriac! I don't know.

I'm struggling with apathy. My response to most things is 'ok'. I don't get angry about things, or upset, which is good. But I don't get super happy or enthusiastic about things, and have lost a lot of my sense of humour.

I'm struggling with balance, with motivation,, with getting things done. I have so many things I want to get done but I don't know where to start, or how much of each one to do. I'm scared to move and I'm scared to stay still. And I waste time by worrying about time.

I'm struggling with self esteem. I feel like a failure.

I'm struggling with the fact that so much is changing. I can't seem to keep up, let alone progress.

I say all of this, and I feel guilty that I have so much to be grateful for, but I'm so unhappy and unsatisfied - and it feels worse that I know that most of my problems are self inflicted.

I have a tendency towards depression - I have been swallowed up by it before, and I now recognise the signs and feelings that come before it - and how to nip it in the bud. But it's difficult. I'm struggling to find the strength and motivation to fight it off. I'm tired - physically and emotionally. People tend to think of it as laziness and there are a lot of people with a 'pull up your sleeves and get on with things/get over it' mentality, which doesn't help.

The way I see it, we're like actors in a play. We've been given a rough idea of our roles and our script, but our main job is to perform to the best of our abilities. When we don't, it not only affects us, but all our fellow 'actors and actresses'.

The thing is, though, that because of my faith, there is no option to run away from problems - I can't forget about them by using alcohol or drugs  - to self medicate as a coping mechanism, and I can't just stay in bed and hide from the world under the covers hibernating (even though I really, really want to sometimes!) because I have to pray my daily prayers. I have to keep family ties, which forces me to socialise. I have to keep my word - so if a friend asks me to meet, I have to, even if I feel like I can't face it. I have to go to my Islamic classes. I have to behave as normal so my family doesn't have another thing to have to worry about. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and walking forward - to keep going: the trick is to keep breathing.*

I am reminded of this hadith, which is what I have always aspired to, and hope to be able to achieve:

“How amazing is the affair of the believer. There is good for him in everything and that is for no one but the believer. If good times come his way, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him, and if hardship comes his way, he endures it patiently and that is better for him.”

[Muslim]

*A book whose title keeps popping into my mind recently.

Back again

Time has flown by and crawled by simultaneously for me for the last few months. I feel like I can't gauge it.

Rishta wise, same old situation. I've signed up with the local mosque matchmaking service, who, on reviewing my filled in form, said they were glad that I was 'flexible', but asked me if I was sure I wouldn't consider someone not born in the UK? Someone Algerian? Someone born in Pakistan? My answer was a diplomatic 'only in exceptional circumstances.' - the older I get, the more I want commonality, familiarity, home-ness (not back home-ness). Another of my cousins is looking into someone for me.

I have been struggling with some health issues - feeling tired and sore. I've been referred to a clinic, so will see how things go. Other health issues have cropped up too and are starting to bother me, and I'll need to get those checked up too.

I've been struggling to cope in general in all honesty. I've been dragging myself through the days, and finding the simple things overwhelming. I want to hibernate. I've realised part of this feeling is seasonal. In the summer I have so much hope for the future - so many plans.I run around, busy and inspired. By the winter I realise I've been running on the spot - I haven't achieved anything and I'm in the same old place. I don't know what to do. I have a problem with low self esteem and just can't see myself doing anything else. There are some little things though.

I help teach kids Quranic Arabic. I love the kids and I enjoy teaching them, but every week I struggle with myself to go. A few times I've made excuses not to, and justified it to myself. I realise it's self sabotage in some way. I think I'm scared of commitment/responsibility maybe? I have been getting help with my own Quranic recitation too, and it's a great feeling alhumdulillah.

I realised I'd been avoiding friends for months on end, so spent the last week getting back in contact and arranging meet-ups. I'm amazingly lucky to have the people in life that I do.

I have family weddings to go to - ones that I can really look forward to, have a laugh planning things, parties where I can get dressed up and let my hair down, .

I know this post was a bit jumbled, and probably a bit self pitying - I just needed to vent. I would really appreciate some duas too!