Sunday 23 December 2018
Amusing...a brush with nature
I decided I wanted to be more at one with nature so I was looking at a tree in the garden and it had a really unusual looking surface. I gave it a little stroke and thought “hm it’s weird that it feels a bit fuzzy”. Then it moved. And I looked closer and THERE WAS A FAT FUZZY SPIDER THAT I HAD JUST STROKED
Monday 17 December 2018
musing on...my journey with social anxiety
First of all, what is social anxiety?
The NHS definition is that: Social anxiety (social phobia) Social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is a long-lasting and overwhelming fear of social situations. It's a common problem that usually starts during the teenage years. For some people it gets better as they get older, although for many it doesn't go away on its own.
Think about what you're most scared of, like spiders? Imagine that clench in your gut, fear-panic-dread feeling that you get when you see the object of your fear. That's how I felt when I had to interact with people, or in some way be more visible in front of people e.g. eating in public or making a phone call when someone else is there. It affected so much of my life, and it's an exhausting and lonely way to live life, as there's a constant drive to find ways of avoiding these situations.
What helped?
I wanted to put this near the beginning, in case you don't want to read the whole post!
Group CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) - essentially 'talking therapy' really helped me. I was referred to a psychologist by my doctor, and subsequently it was decided that this was the best option for me.
Also, forcing myself to be in social situations again and again and trying to remember that in reality, most situations turned out ok even when I thought I had completely 'messed up'
A couple of books that helped were:
Overcoming social anxiety and shyness by Gillian Butler. This is a good self help book based on CBT, with real life examples and some useful exercises (only useful if you do them though!)
Enjoy your life by Dr Muhammed Abd al Rahman al Arifi. This is a collection of incidents from the life of the Prophet (S), stories from the Companions (AS), and anecdotes from the author's own life. The genuineness and positivity of the author really comes through and I found it uplifting both for my confidence and for spirituality alhumdulillah.
How did I find out I had it, and what has my experience of social anxiety been like?
I have always been quite a shy and timid person, but during my teenage years I realised that this was more than just shyness. I had very few friends in school and would try to avoid social situations, even with family (but my family usually persuaded me to interact with them!)
When I first started university I would sit outside on an isolated bench for hours between classes, even on freezing winter days, because I didn't want to have to talk to people, and couldn't bring myself to ask where a canteen was, or how to access the library. I would wait hours so that I could catch a bus that was empty enough to avoid talking to people, and would have panic attacks about having to interact with people, rehearsing and re-rehearsing in my head what I should say, then say the wrong thing once I had to speak as I had got myself into such a state. Making or receiving phone calls was a huge problem. In fact, any sort of interaction with people was a huge issue for me and just made life really difficult. I felt isolated and I felt like a freak. The thing is, it's a vicious cycle. The more I felt uncomfortable, the more people were uncomfortable around me, and this reinforced my negative self image, leading to me being depressed as well as socially anxious. My self esteem was at an all time low.
One time I realised how different I was to the norm was when I was walking with a friend, and told her I had noticed someone I'd met before on another course. While I was frantically trying to find a corner or somewhere hidden to retreat to so this person didn't see me, my friend was looking at me in puzzlement, asking "but don't you want to go and say hi to her?"
If I did have any social interactions, I would analyse them in extreme detail afterwards, and give myself a hard time over each thing I had said and done. I'd feel so stupid and so ashamed that I'd want to avoid the situation even more.
One time during an appointment for something else, my doctor noticed how miserable I was and we had a brief discussion. She gave me the choice of either taking antidepressants or being referred to a psychologist. I chose the latter. After a few sessions, I found out that my main issue was social anxiety and was referred for group therapy - CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) for 10 sessions, which changed things a lot for me. I tried to challenge my negative thoughts, I did the exercises in trying new things to meet people and socialise and I read various self help books and tried to put into practice what I had read.
Slowly I made some improvements, but things were still not ideal.
In my first professional job, my supervisor was a bit of a bully, and micromanaged then severely criticised every task I did. The result was that I would be so nervous about her watching me that I would either mess up the simplest of tasks, or do them extremely slowly to try and get things right. Things got worse and worse, and eventually I was basically asked to quit before I got fired. I felt like an utter failure. All the negative things I had believed seemed to be true - that I was too stupid to do even simple jobs, that I was slow, that I was a weirdo and couldn't get along with people, and that question that I had always asked myself - what is the point of me existing?
Being Pakistani and wearing hijab in the UK, it is not easy to hide, to blend in. I have worn hijab since I was about 11 years old but a lot of times, I wanted to stop because I didn't want the negative attention, to be approached by random strangers asking me things, demanding explanations etc. only because I'm so obviously a representative of Islam
After the terrible events of 9/11, there was so much Islamophobia. It was impossible to escape. Walking along the street or on the bus, people would spit, shout at me or have long angry rants. Security staff in shops would tail me, and cashiers etc would often deliberately ignore me. It was terrifying not only from a safety (and hygiene!) point of view, but from a social anxiety point of view, it reinforced my belief that my very existence and presence in front of people was a terrible thing, and that interacting with people was a bad idea. With time though, and constantly forcing myself to socialise and take public transport, things did get a lot better.
I realised that my lack of self esteem and my social anxiety has meant that I haven't pursued a career because I haven't believed that 1) I deserve it and 2) that I'm capable of it. The job that I have done for the last few years has allowed me to help people but also to keep social interaction to a minimum, but it is low paid and there is no opportunity to progress.
The process of finding a life partner was made more difficult because of social anxiety too, because it literally is a scenario where people are judging and scrutinising (especially those auntiejees!). Alhumdulillah I feel incredibly blessed and lucky that I found someone who saw through my social anxiety and is my soulmate
I recently decided that I wanted more, so enrolled on a course which could possibly lead to a career, and has a good self development aspect to it, which has been amazing. I realised that a lot of childhood events had created a fear in me that manifested itself as social anxiety, and knowing where it has come from has helped me address it, and my other issues, like general anxiety and low self esteem. I have realised that I have a right to exist, a right to a voice, and I don't have to accept people treating me badly. I can aim higher than the minimum that is given to me. A lot of the drive for this change has been from my amazing husband. His constant compliments and the way he always speaks to me with kindness and empathy helped me see that the way I talked to myself was the complete opposite, and he encouraged me to try and find something that I love doing, rather than my mentality that I should just accept anything, no matter how low paid or how badly I'm treated.
Alhumdulillah I feel I've turned a corner in addressing my issues, and hope I'll be able to do contribute to helping others with theirs. I feel like having been through the lows of social anxiety and self esteem issues, I have a lot of empathy and a drive to help people, and that's a really positive thing, and something that wouldn't have been the same had I not been through it.
The NHS definition is that: Social anxiety (social phobia) Social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is a long-lasting and overwhelming fear of social situations. It's a common problem that usually starts during the teenage years. For some people it gets better as they get older, although for many it doesn't go away on its own.
Think about what you're most scared of, like spiders? Imagine that clench in your gut, fear-panic-dread feeling that you get when you see the object of your fear. That's how I felt when I had to interact with people, or in some way be more visible in front of people e.g. eating in public or making a phone call when someone else is there. It affected so much of my life, and it's an exhausting and lonely way to live life, as there's a constant drive to find ways of avoiding these situations.
What helped?
I wanted to put this near the beginning, in case you don't want to read the whole post!
Group CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) - essentially 'talking therapy' really helped me. I was referred to a psychologist by my doctor, and subsequently it was decided that this was the best option for me.
Also, forcing myself to be in social situations again and again and trying to remember that in reality, most situations turned out ok even when I thought I had completely 'messed up'
A couple of books that helped were:
Overcoming social anxiety and shyness by Gillian Butler. This is a good self help book based on CBT, with real life examples and some useful exercises (only useful if you do them though!)
Enjoy your life by Dr Muhammed Abd al Rahman al Arifi. This is a collection of incidents from the life of the Prophet (S), stories from the Companions (AS), and anecdotes from the author's own life. The genuineness and positivity of the author really comes through and I found it uplifting both for my confidence and for spirituality alhumdulillah.
How did I find out I had it, and what has my experience of social anxiety been like?
I have always been quite a shy and timid person, but during my teenage years I realised that this was more than just shyness. I had very few friends in school and would try to avoid social situations, even with family (but my family usually persuaded me to interact with them!)
When I first started university I would sit outside on an isolated bench for hours between classes, even on freezing winter days, because I didn't want to have to talk to people, and couldn't bring myself to ask where a canteen was, or how to access the library. I would wait hours so that I could catch a bus that was empty enough to avoid talking to people, and would have panic attacks about having to interact with people, rehearsing and re-rehearsing in my head what I should say, then say the wrong thing once I had to speak as I had got myself into such a state. Making or receiving phone calls was a huge problem. In fact, any sort of interaction with people was a huge issue for me and just made life really difficult. I felt isolated and I felt like a freak. The thing is, it's a vicious cycle. The more I felt uncomfortable, the more people were uncomfortable around me, and this reinforced my negative self image, leading to me being depressed as well as socially anxious. My self esteem was at an all time low.
One time I realised how different I was to the norm was when I was walking with a friend, and told her I had noticed someone I'd met before on another course. While I was frantically trying to find a corner or somewhere hidden to retreat to so this person didn't see me, my friend was looking at me in puzzlement, asking "but don't you want to go and say hi to her?"
If I did have any social interactions, I would analyse them in extreme detail afterwards, and give myself a hard time over each thing I had said and done. I'd feel so stupid and so ashamed that I'd want to avoid the situation even more.
One time during an appointment for something else, my doctor noticed how miserable I was and we had a brief discussion. She gave me the choice of either taking antidepressants or being referred to a psychologist. I chose the latter. After a few sessions, I found out that my main issue was social anxiety and was referred for group therapy - CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) for 10 sessions, which changed things a lot for me. I tried to challenge my negative thoughts, I did the exercises in trying new things to meet people and socialise and I read various self help books and tried to put into practice what I had read.
Slowly I made some improvements, but things were still not ideal.
In my first professional job, my supervisor was a bit of a bully, and micromanaged then severely criticised every task I did. The result was that I would be so nervous about her watching me that I would either mess up the simplest of tasks, or do them extremely slowly to try and get things right. Things got worse and worse, and eventually I was basically asked to quit before I got fired. I felt like an utter failure. All the negative things I had believed seemed to be true - that I was too stupid to do even simple jobs, that I was slow, that I was a weirdo and couldn't get along with people, and that question that I had always asked myself - what is the point of me existing?
Being Pakistani and wearing hijab in the UK, it is not easy to hide, to blend in. I have worn hijab since I was about 11 years old but a lot of times, I wanted to stop because I didn't want the negative attention, to be approached by random strangers asking me things, demanding explanations etc. only because I'm so obviously a representative of Islam
After the terrible events of 9/11, there was so much Islamophobia. It was impossible to escape. Walking along the street or on the bus, people would spit, shout at me or have long angry rants. Security staff in shops would tail me, and cashiers etc would often deliberately ignore me. It was terrifying not only from a safety (and hygiene!) point of view, but from a social anxiety point of view, it reinforced my belief that my very existence and presence in front of people was a terrible thing, and that interacting with people was a bad idea. With time though, and constantly forcing myself to socialise and take public transport, things did get a lot better.
I realised that my lack of self esteem and my social anxiety has meant that I haven't pursued a career because I haven't believed that 1) I deserve it and 2) that I'm capable of it. The job that I have done for the last few years has allowed me to help people but also to keep social interaction to a minimum, but it is low paid and there is no opportunity to progress.
The process of finding a life partner was made more difficult because of social anxiety too, because it literally is a scenario where people are judging and scrutinising (especially those auntiejees!). Alhumdulillah I feel incredibly blessed and lucky that I found someone who saw through my social anxiety and is my soulmate
I recently decided that I wanted more, so enrolled on a course which could possibly lead to a career, and has a good self development aspect to it, which has been amazing. I realised that a lot of childhood events had created a fear in me that manifested itself as social anxiety, and knowing where it has come from has helped me address it, and my other issues, like general anxiety and low self esteem. I have realised that I have a right to exist, a right to a voice, and I don't have to accept people treating me badly. I can aim higher than the minimum that is given to me. A lot of the drive for this change has been from my amazing husband. His constant compliments and the way he always speaks to me with kindness and empathy helped me see that the way I talked to myself was the complete opposite, and he encouraged me to try and find something that I love doing, rather than my mentality that I should just accept anything, no matter how low paid or how badly I'm treated.
Alhumdulillah I feel I've turned a corner in addressing my issues, and hope I'll be able to do contribute to helping others with theirs. I feel like having been through the lows of social anxiety and self esteem issues, I have a lot of empathy and a drive to help people, and that's a really positive thing, and something that wouldn't have been the same had I not been through it.
Friday 14 December 2018
musing on....my journey with PCOS and fertility issues
Salaam!
I know this is a sensitive topic, but something that has become more and more of an issue for me, and a lot of others too I'm sure.
So what is PCOS?
Here's the NHS definition:
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common condition that affects how a woman’s ovaries work.
The three main features of PCOS are:
How did I find out I had it?
From the beginning I'd always had painful, heavy periods that lasted a long time. The pain would be so bad that I'd throw up and often faint. In my late teens and early twenties I started to notice they were super irregular too, plus I was putting weight really fast, had terrible acne and extra hair growth - especially on my face. I eventually went to the doctor, who did some blood tests, referred me for a scan and asked me a few questions, and from there, told me that I had PCOS. She told me taking the contraceptive pill would help with the symptoms and that further down the line I might have issues with fertility.
Over the years, I had various side effects from the different contraceptive pills I tried taking (there are quite a few different types), and I tried various different things to try and control the acne and the excess hair. The only thing that seemed to control it a little was keeping my weight low and keeping active. This wasn't the easiest thing to stick with when I was depressed and had extremely low self esteem though!
After just over a year of marriage, me and my husband decided that we wanted to start a family, so I came off the pill. I knew it would take a while for my body to adjust so I expected all my symptoms to get worse and for it to take a while. After about a year of trying, I went to the doctor for advice. I was then referred to a specialist, who had tests done on both me and my husband, and we found out that he had health issues affecting fertility too. On one hand, this was bad news as it meant that having children naturally was something that might not happen for us, but on the other, I felt a bit better that it wasn't just me that was the issue. Anyway, from the test results, we were told that there was very little chance of us ever having children naturally and that we could be referred for ICSI - a specialised type of IVF as there was no point in trying fertility drugs etc in our case. I remember this was the only fertility appointment that I had gone to alone, and I sat in the car crying for about 10 minutes after hearing this news. I felt like this backed up all the negative beliefs I had about myself - that I didn't measure up to other women - that I was a failure. Alhumdulillah my husband reassured and comforted me (and came to every single appointment with me after that!) and I tried not to believe these thoughts whenever they popped into my head.
One thing that made all of this easier was that right from the start of our marriage, my husband told me that he didn't mind if we had children, or how many, as long as we were together. When we got the news that both of us had fertility issues, he told me to take my time and that however I was feeling, to let myself feel it and that we would take things one step at a time going forward - to try not to worry. Alhumdulillah this was so comforting and I did need to be reminded of this a good few times.
The waiting time for the appointment to start ICSI was about 7 months - it felt like much longer! We were given a multi page information pack and a heap of consent forms to fill in, and both of us had to get quite a few medical tests done. Once all of that was processed, I was given the ok to start treatment. I wasn't too sure what to expect. I didn't want to scare myself out of doing it, so I tried not to read too much about it - that sounds really silly now but it made sense to me at the time! The treatment consisted in taking some pills to control the treatment cycle, then having injections twice a day for about 2 weeks to make my body produce eggs but not get rid of them, a small surgical procedure to retrieve the eggs and then implantation of a fertilised egg. the whole process from start to finish was over in weeks but between the side effects and getting all the blood tests and scans and arranging this with my workplace and my husband's workplace so we could both be there, it was intense. The implantation was a very short procedure but it was the nicest part of the whole process - knowing that there was a little group of cells growing inside me that had a part of me and a part of my husband that could result in a new life was so exciting. There was then a 10 day wait until I could do a pregnancy test to see if it had worked and waiting was so hard. Unfortunately, even though everything had gone really well, something went wrong somewhere or it just wasn't meant to be. the pregnancy test was negative. For two days, my eyes were like a running tap - I couldn't stop crying, and I just felt heartbroken. I allowed myself to feel sad about it instead of blaming myself and having negative thoughts like I normally would, and accepted it for what it was - something unfortunate and sad but something I could deal with. I'm getting ready to try it again soon inshaAllah.
Being in my mid 30s, I do feel slightly panicked that I haven't had any children yet - especially when I see women 10 years or so younger than me with a few children in tow, but I know that it's not something that worrying will help, and really it's not in my control. I have read in some places that for women with PCOS, it becomes more likely to have children in their late 30s. I will keep doing dua and keep trying but if it doesn't happen, it's not meant to be, and me and my husband said from the start that we would like to adopt one day (ideally I wanted to have children biologically first, but again, it's not in my control and God may have different plans for us).
This saying of Ibn Ata'illah always makes me feel better:
"If, in spite of intense supplication, there is a delay in the time of the Gift [al-‘ata], let that not be
the cause for your despairing. For He has guaranteed you a response in what He chooses for
you, not in what you choose for yourself, and at the time He desires, not the time you desire."
Mostly, though, I'm grateful alhumdulillah that I have the opportunity to try the medically assisted route, and that I have a wonderful and loving husband and a lot more besides. I am trying to be grateful for all that I have and make the most of it, to take things as they come and to use the time I have now to do things that I love - take advantage of opportunities. Being in my mid thirties, and having seen a lot of friends and family bring up children, I don't have rose tinted glasses about what motherhood is like - it's an extremely tough thing to go through and I have a lot of respect for parents. From my faith, I understand that whatever is meant for me, I'll get it no matter what, and if it isn't then I won't, but I will always hope and pray.
I pray that God blesses us all with the opportunity to be a source of good in the world, and blesses us in ways that are good for us - ameen :)
I know this is a sensitive topic, but something that has become more and more of an issue for me, and a lot of others too I'm sure.
So what is PCOS?
Here's the NHS definition:
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common condition that affects how a woman’s ovaries work.
The three main features of PCOS are:
- irregular periods – which means your ovaries don't regularly release eggs (ovulation)
- excess androgen – high levels of "male hormones" in your body, which may cause physical signs such as excess facial or body hair (see signs and symptoms below)
- polycystic ovaries – your ovaries become enlarged and contain many fluid-filled sacs (follicles) which surround the eggs (it's important to note that, despite the name, if you have PCOS you don't actually have cysts)
How did I find out I had it?
From the beginning I'd always had painful, heavy periods that lasted a long time. The pain would be so bad that I'd throw up and often faint. In my late teens and early twenties I started to notice they were super irregular too, plus I was putting weight really fast, had terrible acne and extra hair growth - especially on my face. I eventually went to the doctor, who did some blood tests, referred me for a scan and asked me a few questions, and from there, told me that I had PCOS. She told me taking the contraceptive pill would help with the symptoms and that further down the line I might have issues with fertility.
Over the years, I had various side effects from the different contraceptive pills I tried taking (there are quite a few different types), and I tried various different things to try and control the acne and the excess hair. The only thing that seemed to control it a little was keeping my weight low and keeping active. This wasn't the easiest thing to stick with when I was depressed and had extremely low self esteem though!
After just over a year of marriage, me and my husband decided that we wanted to start a family, so I came off the pill. I knew it would take a while for my body to adjust so I expected all my symptoms to get worse and for it to take a while. After about a year of trying, I went to the doctor for advice. I was then referred to a specialist, who had tests done on both me and my husband, and we found out that he had health issues affecting fertility too. On one hand, this was bad news as it meant that having children naturally was something that might not happen for us, but on the other, I felt a bit better that it wasn't just me that was the issue. Anyway, from the test results, we were told that there was very little chance of us ever having children naturally and that we could be referred for ICSI - a specialised type of IVF as there was no point in trying fertility drugs etc in our case. I remember this was the only fertility appointment that I had gone to alone, and I sat in the car crying for about 10 minutes after hearing this news. I felt like this backed up all the negative beliefs I had about myself - that I didn't measure up to other women - that I was a failure. Alhumdulillah my husband reassured and comforted me (and came to every single appointment with me after that!) and I tried not to believe these thoughts whenever they popped into my head.
One thing that made all of this easier was that right from the start of our marriage, my husband told me that he didn't mind if we had children, or how many, as long as we were together. When we got the news that both of us had fertility issues, he told me to take my time and that however I was feeling, to let myself feel it and that we would take things one step at a time going forward - to try not to worry. Alhumdulillah this was so comforting and I did need to be reminded of this a good few times.
The waiting time for the appointment to start ICSI was about 7 months - it felt like much longer! We were given a multi page information pack and a heap of consent forms to fill in, and both of us had to get quite a few medical tests done. Once all of that was processed, I was given the ok to start treatment. I wasn't too sure what to expect. I didn't want to scare myself out of doing it, so I tried not to read too much about it - that sounds really silly now but it made sense to me at the time! The treatment consisted in taking some pills to control the treatment cycle, then having injections twice a day for about 2 weeks to make my body produce eggs but not get rid of them, a small surgical procedure to retrieve the eggs and then implantation of a fertilised egg. the whole process from start to finish was over in weeks but between the side effects and getting all the blood tests and scans and arranging this with my workplace and my husband's workplace so we could both be there, it was intense. The implantation was a very short procedure but it was the nicest part of the whole process - knowing that there was a little group of cells growing inside me that had a part of me and a part of my husband that could result in a new life was so exciting. There was then a 10 day wait until I could do a pregnancy test to see if it had worked and waiting was so hard. Unfortunately, even though everything had gone really well, something went wrong somewhere or it just wasn't meant to be. the pregnancy test was negative. For two days, my eyes were like a running tap - I couldn't stop crying, and I just felt heartbroken. I allowed myself to feel sad about it instead of blaming myself and having negative thoughts like I normally would, and accepted it for what it was - something unfortunate and sad but something I could deal with. I'm getting ready to try it again soon inshaAllah.
Being in my mid 30s, I do feel slightly panicked that I haven't had any children yet - especially when I see women 10 years or so younger than me with a few children in tow, but I know that it's not something that worrying will help, and really it's not in my control. I have read in some places that for women with PCOS, it becomes more likely to have children in their late 30s. I will keep doing dua and keep trying but if it doesn't happen, it's not meant to be, and me and my husband said from the start that we would like to adopt one day (ideally I wanted to have children biologically first, but again, it's not in my control and God may have different plans for us).
This saying of Ibn Ata'illah always makes me feel better:
"If, in spite of intense supplication, there is a delay in the time of the Gift [al-‘ata], let that not be
the cause for your despairing. For He has guaranteed you a response in what He chooses for
you, not in what you choose for yourself, and at the time He desires, not the time you desire."
Mostly, though, I'm grateful alhumdulillah that I have the opportunity to try the medically assisted route, and that I have a wonderful and loving husband and a lot more besides. I am trying to be grateful for all that I have and make the most of it, to take things as they come and to use the time I have now to do things that I love - take advantage of opportunities. Being in my mid thirties, and having seen a lot of friends and family bring up children, I don't have rose tinted glasses about what motherhood is like - it's an extremely tough thing to go through and I have a lot of respect for parents. From my faith, I understand that whatever is meant for me, I'll get it no matter what, and if it isn't then I won't, but I will always hope and pray.
I pray that God blesses us all with the opportunity to be a source of good in the world, and blesses us in ways that are good for us - ameen :)
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