Musing on.....struggling

I'm still struggling to cope with life. And there is no news on the rishta front, as usual. I don't really mind - I'm struggling with myself at the moment and I need to sort myself out before searching again. Maybe part of the reason it hasn't happened  is because I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I just don't have that much interest in the rishta thing at the moment. Besides, I think I am officially considered a spinster now - a write off. At social gatherings, people no longer joke with me now that 'It's your turn next....' - they awkwardly bypass me and address the younger women. The first time it happened, I barely registered it, but it's happened a couple more times now. My 30th birthday will be towards the end of the year inshaAllah, and I think I'm having a midlife crisis. Actually in all honesty I'm a bit dramatic so large phases of my life have been 'a crisis' lol.

I'm struggling with socialising (I'm writing a separate post on this)

I'm struggling with the fact that some of the people I love are ill. Seriously ill.  It's not just the person themselves that has to cope but their spouse, kids and all the other relatives. It hurts everyone. It's difficult to know how often to visit, how to act. Too cheerful and it seems like you don't care or aren't acknowledging it. Too serious and you put a downer on everything.

I'm struggling career-wise. I have very little savings and the nature of my job is that I work sporadically and not very many hours - and have to find another job for about 4 months of the year. I'm not even that good at it. But I enjoy it and have a few years experience of it now. I have considered a career change a few times but have never gone through with it. I am a bit more realistic about what I can do and what I want to do now though. I think.

I'm struggling with my health. Certain things have been ruled out from the blood tests that were run. But I'm still having problems. My GP suggested it was stress. Stress??? My life is a comfortable one. My job isn't demanding. The people I don't get on so well with, I don't have to deal with very often. So I don't feel "stressed". I think I probably have a high baseline level of anxiety but don't know if that's the same thing? Or maybe I'm just a hypochondriac! I don't know.

I'm struggling with apathy. My response to most things is 'ok'. I don't get angry about things, or upset, which is good. But I don't get super happy or enthusiastic about things, and have lost a lot of my sense of humour.

I'm struggling with balance, with motivation,, with getting things done. I have so many things I want to get done but I don't know where to start, or how much of each one to do. I'm scared to move and I'm scared to stay still. And I waste time by worrying about time.

I'm struggling with self esteem. I feel like a failure.

I'm struggling with the fact that so much is changing. I can't seem to keep up, let alone progress.

I say all of this, and I feel guilty that I have so much to be grateful for, but I'm so unhappy and unsatisfied - and it feels worse that I know that most of my problems are self inflicted.

I have a tendency towards depression - I have been swallowed up by it before, and I now recognise the signs and feelings that come before it - and how to nip it in the bud. But it's difficult. I'm struggling to find the strength and motivation to fight it off. I'm tired - physically and emotionally. People tend to think of it as laziness and there are a lot of people with a 'pull up your sleeves and get on with things/get over it' mentality, which doesn't help.

The way I see it, we're like actors in a play. We've been given a rough idea of our roles and our script, but our main job is to perform to the best of our abilities. When we don't, it not only affects us, but all our fellow 'actors and actresses'.

The thing is, though, that because of my faith, there is no option to run away from problems - I can't forget about them by using alcohol or drugs  - to self medicate as a coping mechanism, and I can't just stay in bed and hide from the world under the covers hibernating (even though I really, really want to sometimes!) because I have to pray my daily prayers. I have to keep family ties, which forces me to socialise. I have to keep my word - so if a friend asks me to meet, I have to, even if I feel like I can't face it. I have to go to my Islamic classes. I have to behave as normal so my family doesn't have another thing to have to worry about. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and walking forward - to keep going: the trick is to keep breathing.*

I am reminded of this hadith, which is what I have always aspired to, and hope to be able to achieve:

“How amazing is the affair of the believer. There is good for him in everything and that is for no one but the believer. If good times come his way, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him, and if hardship comes his way, he endures it patiently and that is better for him.”

[Muslim]

*A book whose title keeps popping into my mind recently.