Ramadhan

Salaam and Ramadhan mubarak!

I have to say, before last year, I never knew what it was to look forward to Ramadhan (I used to dread it - astaghfirullah), but after making a firm intention last year to make that Ramadhan the best yet, and setting myself goals, it just became so much easier alhumdulillah, and I felt the blessings. Here are some of the resources that helped me. They are all things that need to be looked at daily, so I found it created the habit of doing good things regularly:

ROC your Ramadan with Shaykh Riad Ouarzazi (available for last year as well: just don't type '2012' when you search for 'ROC your Ramadan'. Wee profile of him here

Ten minute tafsir with Shaykh Sohaib Saeed

Ramadhan journey planner by Saiyyidah Zaidi. Here's a link to her blog too.

Ramadhan makes me so happy because everyone makes a big effort to be good/nice, and to maximise ibadah. It's beautiful mashaAllah. It reminds me of that feeling I got when I went for umrah earlier in the year with my family "Alhumdulillah, this is how it's supposed to be, and what life is about; I don't ever want this feeling to end". Ramadhan will end, but I need to plan so that inshaAllah, I'll be a better person with better habits after it.

Musing on....going to weddings

So it's my cousin's wedding at the end of this week inshaAllah. This week, a few things have been bothering me

My weight/fitness


In the last couple of years, I decided to try and get fit and healthy. I always hated sports and exercise and when I first went to the gym and saw people double my age or double my size going at the cross trainer or treadmill for over an hour, burning hundreds of, or sometimes even over a thousand calories, while I struggled, wheezing, panting and sweating puddles after 5 minutes and hating it, I was a little daunted. However, things improved to the point where alhumdulillah, I enjoy taking time out for exercise and can do much more.  At first, in all honesty, it was because I wanted to look good, but once I started losing a bit of weight (slowly, very slowly - it would take me 3-4 weeks to lose 1 pound), I started to feel better, happier and more positive. I realised that being grateful for what Allah has given me means taking care of it; taking pride in it, so I started to make more effort with my appearance even when nobody was around to see it. Since the end of last Ramadan however, things changed a lot - I had to travel a lot further for my job, so ended up not having much time or energy before or after work; and my sister started working not long after she had her baby, so I was babysitting when I wasn't working; I fell off the bandwagon hard and put on 8 pounds, so I've been working on it again, but my outfit for the wedding is a bit tight :(. The wedding's segregated though, so it's not too big a deal.

'The auntiejees'


Asian weddings are big events and there are lots of people there who I'll never have met before, or haven't seen for a while. Inevitably, there will be at least one auntiejee who will find it necessary to comment negatively on my appearance - e.g 'you would actually be beautiful if you weren't so dark' 'Oh, I didn't recognise you; you've put on weight'. A while ago, I was thinking about why it bothers me when people comment negatively on things I can't control - skin colour, height etc. Maybe because it's in our fitrah (I believe the rough essence of the meaning of fitrah is the innate knowledge in every human that there is one God) to know that we are created by Allah, and to criticise His creation is to be unappreciative of its variety and beauty.

Also, I always end up crying at weddings - just from being overwhelmed with emotion. I look at the bride's sisters and remember how I felt when my own sister got married; excited for her that she was starting a new life but heavyhearted in the knowledge that our relationship would change and there would be more distance; physically and emotionally. When an auntiejee sees my tears or wet eyes, she will usually say 'aww, don't cry, your turn will come soon too'. Now I know that she's probably saying it with good intentions but that's not why I'm crying! If I tell her that's not why I'm emotional, it ends up sounding defensive. Hmmm.

There are also matchmaker auntiejees, or auntiejees who are looking for a potential spouse for their son(s), so there is a high likelihood of being asked all sorts of questions when trying to have a good time with friends and family, or more awkwardly, during the imam's speech or even the nikah! 'What age are you?' 'Where do you live? 'What kind of house do you live in?' 'What do your parents do?' amongst others. Sometimes it can be quite funny, but more often, it's tiresome.

The search for a spouse


So the email exchange is still going with the guy my cousin suggested. He seems decent from his emails mashaAllah, but I'm still worried by the possibility that he's a party animal. Anyway, he said something that lots of guys do, which is that he wants to be marry someone religious so that he can improve too (he  said he prays once a day and goes to talks at the mosque on 'holy' days). If he had said he's been trying to be proactive about being religious, and this was the level he'd got to, I'd be okay, but I feel like a lot of guys think that marriage is a panacea. I do think that by our late 20s, we should be trying to become the best person we can before  marriage, rather than thinking another person will improve us.

Also, the guy lives across the border, so that makes the logistics of arranging a meeting harder, and means I have to think about relocation. Aaaand he said he'd like to live with his family, and he has 2 brothers at home, which would mean hijaab at home. Hmmmm again.

My Mum pointed out that I've been negative about the whole spouse search thing lately, and I think she's right. A lot of times, I seem to make an issue out of something in my mind, then it turns out that it isn't one. I think I've become so used to rejection from guys and their mums that I try to think of lots of negative issues about the guy/situation as a defence mechanism. I need an attitude adjustment, but I'm not sure how. Positive mental attitude and lots of dua inshaAllah?

Waiting

A lot of the rishta process and in fact, life, seems to involve waiting. I can't count the number of times that friends and family have tried to set me up with someone, starting with the guy emailing, then the process of waiting for responses turns into a waiting game. It's boring! And for some reason, guys seem to drag it out.

Here's how I used to think things would go: 

• Guy emails to introduce himself
• I email back with similar
• Within a few days, we exchange a few messages to find out whether we have enough in common to warrant meeting up
• Meetings ensue and we eventually decide whether to go forward with things or go our separate ways

Here's how things actually go:

• Guy emails to introduce himself (sometimes literally 'Hi, X told me to introduce myself, salaam') lol
• I email back with basic info about myself and what I'm looking for
• Days/weeks later, the guy responds with a hurried message that may or may not have anything relevant in it
• I email back with some more questions/info. This cycle continues until eventually, the guy decides to give some info.
• 2 possibilities now
• I suggest arranging a meeting and we either meet or he says he's not sure/ not ready to meet yet. If this happens, I then have to wait and see if the guy/his family are still interested.
• I never hear back from the guy again

Only a couple of days ago, one of my cousins contacted me to tell me he met and hung out with his friend's older brother, thought he might be a potential suitor for me and would get him to email me. That familiar feeling: 'alhumdulillah, people are still on the lookout for me and there's still hope, but ohhhh I hope this one's not going to end up a disaster!' I have my reservations. Here's the worry; I'm, well, a bit of a geek (in a good way of course ;) and my cousin is a party animal, so most of his friends are of that ilk too. From the guy's facebook, which my cousin kindly sent me a link to, it seems that he is too (lots of posed pictures, including ones with shisha, yuck!). I know, I know, judging a book by its cover and all that. Also, the guy is very good looking. I have this thing about good looking people; it takes me more of an effort to like them :/.  He sent me a nice email to let me know he'd send a profile, with some pictures, then we can talk and message some more, so you never know. I'll await his response. Luckily, I have lots to keep me occupied so will try not to think about it in the meantime.