Time has flown by and crawled by simultaneously for me for the last few months. I feel like I can't gauge it.
Rishta wise, same old situation. I've signed up with the local mosque matchmaking service, who, on reviewing my filled in form, said they were glad that I was 'flexible', but asked me if I was sure I wouldn't consider someone not born in the UK? Someone Algerian? Someone born in Pakistan? My answer was a diplomatic 'only in exceptional circumstances.' - the older I get, the more I want commonality, familiarity, home-ness (not back home-ness). Another of my cousins is looking into someone for me.
I have been struggling with some health issues - feeling tired and sore. I've been referred to a clinic, so will see how things go. Other health issues have cropped up too and are starting to bother me, and I'll need to get those checked up too.
I've been struggling to cope in general in all honesty. I've been dragging myself through the days, and finding the simple things overwhelming. I want to hibernate. I've realised part of this feeling is seasonal. In the summer I have so much hope for the future - so many plans.I run around, busy and inspired. By the winter I realise I've been running on the spot - I haven't achieved anything and I'm in the same old place. I don't know what to do. I have a problem with low self esteem and just can't see myself doing anything else. There are some little things though.
I help teach kids Quranic Arabic. I love the kids and I enjoy teaching them, but every week I struggle with myself to go. A few times I've made excuses not to, and justified it to myself. I realise it's self sabotage in some way. I think I'm scared of commitment/responsibility maybe? I have been getting help with my own Quranic recitation too, and it's a great feeling alhumdulillah.
I realised I'd been avoiding friends for months on end, so spent the last week getting back in contact and arranging meet-ups. I'm amazingly lucky to have the people in life that I do.
I have family weddings to go to - ones that I can really look forward to, have a laugh planning things, parties where I can get dressed up and let my hair down, .
I know this post was a bit jumbled, and probably a bit self pitying - I just needed to vent. I would really appreciate some duas too!
Aw jazakAllah khayr - your comments are always useful and appreciated. I don't now, and haven't for a long time seen marriage as something that will 'fix' things. I need to work on myself. If I don't think it's fair to rely on others to make me happy.
ReplyDeleteI don't think many people tell potential brides about the loneliness they might feel - especially with living away. And if they mention it, people seem to brush over it as in 'ther there, you'll get over it' or make then feel bad/ ungrateful. I only have an inkling about this from close friends and family - living it must be harder obviously.
May Allah swt make things easier for you (ameen)
I don't think the grass is greener on the other side for me - my grass is pretty green - I just need to water it and plant a few things lol. I know for a fact that I should be really grateful but the problem is that my knowing that I'm ungrateful makes me feel guilty, which saps my motivation and before I know it, I've started spiralling downwards.
At this point in life, I know that when I'm at my lowest, I can have more of a connection with God to get me through and I know tht like everything in this life, this will pass and resolve inshaAllah
I'm going to take your advice iA and get back into some of my hobbies - I would love to learn to sew! I love making jewellery and was going to swimming classes too so might start back with those :)
And now this comment is probably longer than my post so I'll stop there
I think I can totally relate to this post and your situation. I get what you mean completely, Even though you busy yourself with things, its the fact that you would rather experience doing certain things with someone.
ReplyDeleteAs I am getting older too (as well as divorced) people tend to think anyone will do for you. But the more older I get and more experience I have, the more I realise the importance of finding someone compatible.
Yes focus on yourself, and the ones who are in your life already. This is key to staying happy. And just remind yourself that everything is from Allah.
JazakAllah khayr for your comment Zee. It's reassuring that I'm not the only one, but sorry to hear you're going through the same thing. There's a lot of needless stigma towards female divorcees especially. Great reminder too thanks :). May Allah swt make your path to Him easy (ameen)
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad I found your blog.....i'm in the same boat :( coupled with family pressure as to why I am still unmarried ......I just want to get away from it all.....I have to keep telling myself everyday that Allah swt is the best of planners and one day inshallah I will meet the one and I make dua that you doo too x
ReplyDeleteAw jazakAllah khayr for the comment and duas - will make the same dua for you - you're right - He definitely is the best of planners - I need to remind myself of that a lot too x
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