So lately, things have actually gone completely silent on the rishta search - I've pursued the last couple of remote possibilities, which turned out to be dead ends. I now don't mind when people tell me they're not interested based on my job - that they're looking for a 'professional', or my looks. There's nothing wrong with them for wanting what they have in mind, and there's nothing wrong with me for the way I look or what my job is - I'm grateful for the looks Allah gave me and that I can get satisfaction from my job knowing I've helped people and that it's something I can learn from and reflect on alhumdulillah. I do wish people wouldn't string me along though - it wastes time and gets me down.
There are no prospects for the foreseeable future. I have just about come round to the idea that I'll consider people from back home as prospectives. It was never something I wanted, but it seems that the things I'm looking for: deen - someone who takes it seriously and wants to progress; responsibility - someone who wants to do things for themself and isn't tied to the apron strings; and depth - someone who can have a conversation that goes beyond cars and celebrities exist in some men in the UK - but those men, having developed such qualities, are looking for a smokin' hot yet demure Aishwarya Rai/ Angelina Jolie lookalike with the same qualities, but maybe less so - men are supposed to be the leaders of the family after all. Oh, and she should also be an elegant social butterfly who seamlessly fits in with his family, and a dab hand in the kitchen, plus some other things.
All of this leads me to conclude that it's just not meant to be right now. Sometimes, chilling out about something makes it easier for it to happen, or it might not even happen, so I need to seriously make some more goals for the future that don't include a partner. I'm not going to stop the search inshaAllah - if anything, it will give me some stories to tell my cats (what with my back-up plan of being an eccentric but kindly cat lady)
I feel quite loser-ish lately, turning up to family/desi events with my parents when every other girl my age and younger is with their other half. People are also slightly wary of me, being single at my age - it's like 'My God - what if her spinsterhood is contagious?! Better avoid her, giver her strange looks and not let our children near her'. Yeah.
It's funny, people (including myself) can tell me the same type of thing multiple times and at some point, it just sinks in. I know I definitely go through phases with the whole rishta thing:
Angry, ranty phase: agggh guys are so annoying! This whole situation is ridiculous - RIDICULOUS! Why do I even care??! Oh look - a message from a guy on one of the matchmaking sites *reads it* --> what a stupid message *frowns and stamps foot*. What a bunch of irrevocably HOPELESS and SHALLOW nincompoops some men are!
Delusional phase: Heyyy, I'm not actually past prime marriage age, I'll find the perfect man for me and we'll click, then get married. It's aaaall going to be fabulous! And there'll be lollipops and cute bouncy kittens and happy happy happy times aaaaall the time
Distraction: Ah! Work is busy, but I'll take up a couple more projects! And I'll cook a complicated dinner that takes 2 hours to make and 1 and a half hours to clean up after. And hey - why do I only have one book to read on my bedside table - I'll start 3 other different ones. Better get busy busy busy!
or sometimes I rapidly cycle between these, making me look insane. I don't want to become one of those weird, bitter, highly strung spinsters - I can feel it happening but I'm definitely going to try and fight it.
I am really grateful to have things that I can concentrate on - one of them being my Islamic studies. One of the things that helped me out a lot recently was this:
"Don't let the keeping back of something you are fervently asking for make you despair. He has guaranteed an answer to your prayer in those things He chooses for you, not in those things that you choose for yourself, and at the time He wants, not at the time you want"
(from the hikam of Ibn Ata Illah al Iskandari)
So humbling mashaAllah
Subhanallah, what a wonderful quote. I'm in the same boat as you. The rishta front has dried up, so I keep thinking what if I'd compromised and perhaps that guy last year would have developed. And then I remember all the heart ache I had to suffer and how he's looking for a thin, smoking hot Aishwarya Rai type and I thank Allah for taking me away from that situation.
ReplyDeleteI believe that whilst some people mashallah get married at the "right time" for them, it's not always rosy. None of us know what really goes on in a marriage and I'm thankful Allah is preparing me for that stage (inshallah) by making me more mature (I hope! I still act 5 sometimes :P) and more able to handle the complexities of marriage.
I keep telling myself not to look for Mr. Perfect, because I am not Miss. Perfect. But to ask Allah to send me someone who is perfect for me inshallah.
I believe every prayer we ask of Allah will be answered inshallah and all of this will be worth it, because you will value your husband far more and he will you because a gift that's worth waiting for is far more precious.
JazakAllah khayr for your wise, kind and comforting words :)
ReplyDeleteEven though I'd rather other people weren't in the same boat, it helps to know I'm not alone. So true that when something is meant for us, nothing can stop it happening - I had the same conversation with my Mum about past prospectives and even thinking hard about it, and what I could have compromised on, none of them would be suitable (not that it was even a choice in most cases, since they said no!)
I totally agree with you about these things all preparing us and making us wiser - there are definitely positive things to come out of this.
do you think girls care about looks a lot? i'm pretty average looking, but i get a lot of acne from time to time, do you think that will make a difference? i dont really care about the looks, i'm not looking for the supermodel looking type, lol.
ReplyDeleteOmg atleast you've started your search. I don't know what it is but I'm at this Limbo stage where I'm like Yes I need to start looking now and at the same time I'm like well I best wait till I've worked in this job for a year, or 2, or 3 or when I've bought a car, or when I've increased my imaan.
ReplyDeleteDoes that sound terrible? Maybe I'm avoiding it because I'm scared of facing the whole demands and conditions and weirdos that comes with the whole Rishta-search. I've spoken to too many of my friends who've been in the same boat and have had the same experiences to send me crawling into a cupboard to hide from it all.
One of my friends did recently reach the top of the hill and became 'happily ever after' marrying the guy she's been waiting for, for so long, that did motivate me for a while but now I've gone back into limbo again.
How can I start discussing all that if I'm not even making the effort right?
-I just wish you good luck with yours. If it's any conciliation, my friend- the one who just got married met tons of losers with unrealistic demands before she met her Mr. Right and she is super happy now. Inshallah the same success will reach you :) x x
-Please don't mind me asking because it's killing my curiosity but how old actually are you?
ReplyDeletey: lol you shouldn't have a problem inshaAllah - and it's not fair of me to generalise and pigeonhole groups of people so much. Some girls are shallow too - it's just that I have awesome family and friends alhumdulillah, so don't know anyone like that!
ReplyDeleteM&M: lol I don't mind saying - I'm 28 alhumdulillah - how about you? (I don't mind if you don't want to say :)
My advice would be that the more you avoid something, the scarier it seems - if you start the search, you have very little to lose! I know plenty of girls who have had an easy time in their rishta search and a successful marriage after that - you're far more likely to meet Mr Right if you're looking out for him ;)
Lol don't be put off by the scare stories either - things aren't THAT bad - and you learn, mature and understand so much about life through the whole process too.
JazakAllah khayr for the kind wishes x
Do girls like to marry guys who are younger than them? Or do they only prefer those who are older, like by a few years?
ReplyDeleteLol ymm you always have interesting questions!
ReplyDeletePersonally, from the girls I know who are married, if the guy is younger than the girl, it's only by a matter of months - the biggest difference is one year, whereas when the guy is older, it's by as much as 10 years. So I guess girls do like to marry guys older than them generally.