I know this is a sensitive topic, but something that has become more and more of an issue for me, and a lot of others too I'm sure.
So what is PCOS?
Here's the NHS definition:
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common condition that affects how a woman’s ovaries work.
The three main features of PCOS are:
- irregular periods – which means your ovaries don't regularly release eggs (ovulation)
- excess androgen – high levels of "male hormones" in your body, which may cause physical signs such as excess facial or body hair (see signs and symptoms below)
- polycystic ovaries – your ovaries become enlarged and contain many fluid-filled sacs (follicles) which surround the eggs (it's important to note that, despite the name, if you have PCOS you don't actually have cysts)
How did I find out I had it?
From the beginning I'd always had painful, heavy periods that lasted a long time. The pain would be so bad that I'd throw up and often faint. In my late teens and early twenties I started to notice they were super irregular too, plus I was putting weight really fast, had terrible acne and extra hair growth - especially on my face. I eventually went to the doctor, who did some blood tests, referred me for a scan and asked me a few questions, and from there, told me that I had PCOS. She told me taking the contraceptive pill would help with the symptoms and that further down the line I might have issues with fertility.
Over the years, I had various side effects from the different contraceptive pills I tried taking (there are quite a few different types), and I tried various different things to try and control the acne and the excess hair. The only thing that seemed to control it a little was keeping my weight low and keeping active. This wasn't the easiest thing to stick with when I was depressed and had extremely low self esteem though!
After just over a year of marriage, me and my husband decided that we wanted to start a family, so I came off the pill. I knew it would take a while for my body to adjust so I expected all my symptoms to get worse and for it to take a while. After about a year of trying, I went to the doctor for advice. I was then referred to a specialist, who had tests done on both me and my husband, and we found out that he had health issues affecting fertility too. On one hand, this was bad news as it meant that having children naturally was something that might not happen for us, but on the other, I felt a bit better that it wasn't just me that was the issue. Anyway, from the test results, we were told that there was very little chance of us ever having children naturally and that we could be referred for ICSI - a specialised type of IVF as there was no point in trying fertility drugs etc in our case. I remember this was the only fertility appointment that I had gone to alone, and I sat in the car crying for about 10 minutes after hearing this news. I felt like this backed up all the negative beliefs I had about myself - that I didn't measure up to other women - that I was a failure. Alhumdulillah my husband reassured and comforted me (and came to every single appointment with me after that!) and I tried not to believe these thoughts whenever they popped into my head.
One thing that made all of this easier was that right from the start of our marriage, my husband told me that he didn't mind if we had children, or how many, as long as we were together. When we got the news that both of us had fertility issues, he told me to take my time and that however I was feeling, to let myself feel it and that we would take things one step at a time going forward - to try not to worry. Alhumdulillah this was so comforting and I did need to be reminded of this a good few times.
The waiting time for the appointment to start ICSI was about 7 months - it felt like much longer! We were given a multi page information pack and a heap of consent forms to fill in, and both of us had to get quite a few medical tests done. Once all of that was processed, I was given the ok to start treatment. I wasn't too sure what to expect. I didn't want to scare myself out of doing it, so I tried not to read too much about it - that sounds really silly now but it made sense to me at the time! The treatment consisted in taking some pills to control the treatment cycle, then having injections twice a day for about 2 weeks to make my body produce eggs but not get rid of them, a small surgical procedure to retrieve the eggs and then implantation of a fertilised egg. the whole process from start to finish was over in weeks but between the side effects and getting all the blood tests and scans and arranging this with my workplace and my husband's workplace so we could both be there, it was intense. The implantation was a very short procedure but it was the nicest part of the whole process - knowing that there was a little group of cells growing inside me that had a part of me and a part of my husband that could result in a new life was so exciting. There was then a 10 day wait until I could do a pregnancy test to see if it had worked and waiting was so hard. Unfortunately, even though everything had gone really well, something went wrong somewhere or it just wasn't meant to be. the pregnancy test was negative. For two days, my eyes were like a running tap - I couldn't stop crying, and I just felt heartbroken. I allowed myself to feel sad about it instead of blaming myself and having negative thoughts like I normally would, and accepted it for what it was - something unfortunate and sad but something I could deal with. I'm getting ready to try it again soon inshaAllah.
Being in my mid 30s, I do feel slightly panicked that I haven't had any children yet - especially when I see women 10 years or so younger than me with a few children in tow, but I know that it's not something that worrying will help, and really it's not in my control. I have read in some places that for women with PCOS, it becomes more likely to have children in their late 30s. I will keep doing dua and keep trying but if it doesn't happen, it's not meant to be, and me and my husband said from the start that we would like to adopt one day (ideally I wanted to have children biologically first, but again, it's not in my control and God may have different plans for us).
This saying of Ibn Ata'illah always makes me feel better:
"If, in spite of intense supplication, there is a delay in the time of the Gift [al-‘ata], let that not be
the cause for your despairing. For He has guaranteed you a response in what He chooses for
you, not in what you choose for yourself, and at the time He desires, not the time you desire."
Mostly, though, I'm grateful alhumdulillah that I have the opportunity to try the medically assisted route, and that I have a wonderful and loving husband and a lot more besides. I am trying to be grateful for all that I have and make the most of it, to take things as they come and to use the time I have now to do things that I love - take advantage of opportunities. Being in my mid thirties, and having seen a lot of friends and family bring up children, I don't have rose tinted glasses about what motherhood is like - it's an extremely tough thing to go through and I have a lot of respect for parents. From my faith, I understand that whatever is meant for me, I'll get it no matter what, and if it isn't then I won't, but I will always hope and pray.
I pray that God blesses us all with the opportunity to be a source of good in the world, and blesses us in ways that are good for us - ameen :)
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