musing on...my journey with social anxiety

First of all, what is social anxiety?

The NHS definition is that: Social anxiety (social phobia) Social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is a long-lasting and overwhelming fear of social situations. It's a common problem that usually starts during the teenage years. For some people it gets better as they get older, although for many it doesn't go away on its own.

Think about what you're most scared of, like spiders? Imagine that clench in your gut, fear-panic-dread feeling that you get when you see the object of your fear. That's how I felt when I had to interact with people, or in some way be more visible in front of people e.g. eating in public or making a phone call when someone else is there. It affected so much of my life, and it's an exhausting and lonely way to live life, as there's a constant drive to find ways of avoiding these situations.

What helped?

I wanted to put this near the beginning, in case you don't want to read the whole post!
Group CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) - essentially 'talking therapy' really helped me. I was referred to a psychologist by my doctor, and subsequently it was decided that this was the best option for me.
Also, forcing myself to be in social situations again and again and trying to remember that in reality, most situations turned out ok even when I thought I had completely 'messed up'

A couple of books that helped were:
Overcoming social anxiety and shyness by Gillian Butler. This is a good self help book based on CBT, with real life examples and some useful exercises (only useful if you do them though!)
Enjoy your life by Dr Muhammed Abd al Rahman al Arifi. This is a collection of incidents from the life of the Prophet (S), stories from the Companions (AS), and anecdotes from the author's own life. The genuineness and positivity of the author really comes through and I found it uplifting both for my confidence and for spirituality alhumdulillah.                      


How did I find out I had it, and what has my experience of social anxiety been like?

I have always been quite a shy and timid person, but during my teenage years I realised that this was more than just shyness. I had very few friends in school and would try to avoid social situations, even with family (but my family usually persuaded me to interact with them!)

When I first started university I would sit outside on an isolated bench for hours between classes, even on freezing winter days, because I didn't want to have to talk to people, and couldn't bring myself to ask where a canteen was, or how to access the library. I would wait hours so that I could catch a bus that was empty enough to avoid talking to people, and would have panic attacks about having to interact with people, rehearsing and re-rehearsing in my head what I should say, then say the wrong thing once I had to speak as I had got myself into such a state. Making or receiving phone calls was a huge problem. In fact, any sort of interaction with people was a huge issue for me and just made life really difficult. I felt isolated and I felt like a freak. The thing is, it's a vicious cycle. The more I felt uncomfortable, the more people were uncomfortable around me, and this reinforced my negative self image, leading to me being depressed as well as socially anxious. My self esteem was at an all time low.

One time I realised how different I was to the norm was when I was walking with a friend, and told her I had noticed someone I'd met before on another course. While I was frantically trying to find a corner or somewhere hidden to retreat to so this person didn't see me, my friend was looking at me in puzzlement, asking "but don't you want to go and say hi to her?"

If I did have any social interactions, I would analyse them in extreme detail afterwards, and give myself a hard time over each thing I had said and done. I'd feel so stupid and so ashamed that I'd want to avoid the situation even more.

One time during an appointment for something else, my doctor noticed how miserable I was and we had a brief discussion. She gave me the choice of either taking antidepressants or being referred to a psychologist. I chose the latter. After a few sessions, I found out that my main issue was social anxiety and was referred for group therapy - CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) for 10 sessions, which changed things a lot for me. I tried to challenge my negative thoughts, I did the exercises in trying new things to meet people and socialise and I read various self help books and tried to put into practice what I had read.

Slowly I made some improvements, but things were still not ideal.

In my first professional job, my supervisor was a bit of a bully, and micromanaged then severely criticised every task I did. The result was that I would be so nervous about her watching me that I would either mess up the simplest of tasks, or do them extremely slowly to try and get things right. Things got worse and worse, and eventually I was basically asked to quit before I got fired. I felt like an utter failure. All the negative things I had believed seemed to be true - that I was too stupid to do even simple jobs, that I was slow, that I was a weirdo and couldn't get along with people, and that question that I had always asked myself - what is the point of me existing?

Being Pakistani and wearing hijab in the UK, it is not easy to hide, to blend in. I have worn hijab since I was about 11 years old but a lot of times, I wanted to stop because I didn't want the negative attention, to be approached by random strangers asking me things, demanding explanations etc. only  because I'm so obviously a representative of Islam

After the terrible events of 9/11, there was so much Islamophobia. It was impossible to escape. Walking along the street or on the bus, people would spit, shout at me or have long angry rants. Security staff in shops would tail me, and cashiers etc would often deliberately ignore me. It was terrifying not only from a safety (and hygiene!) point of view, but from a social anxiety point of view, it reinforced my belief that my very existence and presence in front of people was a terrible thing, and that interacting with people was a bad idea. With time though, and constantly forcing myself to socialise and take public transport, things did get a lot better.

I realised that my lack of self esteem and my social anxiety has meant that I haven't pursued a career because I haven't believed that 1) I deserve it and 2) that I'm capable of it. The job that I have done for the last few years has allowed me to help people but also to keep social interaction to a minimum, but it is low paid and there is no opportunity to progress.

The process of finding a life partner was made more difficult because of social anxiety too, because it literally is a scenario where people are judging and scrutinising (especially those auntiejees!). Alhumdulillah I feel incredibly blessed and lucky that I found someone who saw through my social anxiety and is my soulmate

I recently decided that I wanted more, so enrolled on a course which could possibly lead to a career, and has a good self development aspect to it, which has been amazing. I realised that a lot of childhood events had created a fear in me that manifested itself as social anxiety, and knowing where it has come from has helped me address it, and my other issues, like general anxiety and low self esteem. I have realised that I have a right to exist, a right to a voice, and I don't have to accept people treating me badly. I can aim higher than the minimum that is given to me. A lot of the drive for this change has been from my amazing husband. His constant compliments and the way he always speaks to me with kindness and empathy helped me see that the way I talked to myself was the complete opposite, and he encouraged me to try and find something that I love doing, rather than my mentality that I should just accept anything, no matter how low paid or how badly I'm treated.

Alhumdulillah I feel I've turned a corner in addressing my issues, and hope I'll be able to do  contribute to helping others with theirs. I feel like having been through the lows of social anxiety and self esteem issues, I have a lot of empathy and a drive to help people, and that's a really positive thing, and something that wouldn't have been the same had I not been through it.