Assalaamu alaykum!
I've had a fantastic time over the last few days with great food, fun and family alhumdulillah. I feel like Eid is kind of a consolation for losing an excellent companion: Ramadhan, for another year. I feel blessed. My Dad was organising some sadaqah to send to Pakistan to feed and clothe people and reminded me to give it in Ramadhan so I would get the extra ajr (reward) - how awesome is that mashaAllah. I only realised recently what a blessing it is to have parents who think about my spiritual wellbeing, as well as everything else. Alhumdulillah.
Update: the guy my cousin tried to hook me up with didn't reply to my last email for a while (bad sign), then sent me a message to say that although we seemed to be similar, he didn't think his circumstances and this time in his life were right for looking for a marriage partner, so wouldn't be taking things any further. He was very polite about it, and I'm glad he contacted me rather than just leaving things hanging in the hope that I'd eventually figure it out (which is what most guys do). I think it's because they get nervous about the whole thing when it seems like things are getting serious, or they just go along with things, then realise they're not interested/compatible but are embarrassed to say. I don't feel offended when people just tell me, but I feel offended when people leave things hanging: I see it as bad manners. Alhumdulillah, I was relieved - I had a feeling from the start that he was just going along with things. Awkward meeting averted. There are some people who I feel I'm not compatible with, but have to go along with things because in all honesty, how can I know what's going to be good for me? Also, some people can be so different in real life than online or on the phone, so it's best to be open minded and consider every option seriously.
Now I have another cousin who has told me that one of the Shaykhs in my area,, who was my teacher in one of the Islamic courses I went to, has recommended someone as a potential match for me. I have seen his profile on certain Muslim matrimonial websites (and he's looked at mine before - the advantages of website stats), and, as usual, I have my reservations. First of all, he has seen me on those websites, so could have contacted me if he was interested. Maybe having a recommendation from someone else changes things - I don't know. He is from a different ethnic background. Now I don't mind this in principle, but there is the issue of ingrained cultural values in each other that can be misunderstood; and language barriers. Also, he follows a different school of thought and seems a bit strict and serious. Lastly, he said something in his profile about wanting someone who has been through serious rough patches in life. Unusually for me, I felt very irritated when I read this. I know that alhumdulillah, I am really quite privileged, but I don't think that this should be held against me. I have witnessed the look on previous potential suitors faces when they see this, and can almost 'read' that they're thinking "spoilt girl". I feel like it has given me the mental space and stability to try and help and consider other people, and I know that it is part of my peronality to be reflective. I know some people who have had a hard life, and have then turned bitter, and away from religion, and I know people who have had an 'easy' life, but strive to use their time and resources for others, and for their own spiritual fulfilment and depth, and vice versa for both of these cases. People's strength and goodness is determined by how they react to situations, people and circumstances, not the situations and circumstances themselves - they are God-given, so I feel like it's a bit arrogant to filter out people by those criteria. I am a bit bemused about how much this struck a nerve with me to be honest, but venting usually helps, so there you go!
I am going to contact my cousin and ask him to talk to the guy about me, and maybe give him a link to my profile and/or email address inshaAllah. This could be a dead end but I've got to try. I don't know where my destiny lies.
Another update: I now have a reply from someone on one of the matrimonial sites from a guy who I thought wasn't interested. It's really hard to know whether something like this is worth pursuing. I think it's always better to arrange a meeting sooner rather than later to find out. But it's awkward......so awkward lol
Aw good luck! Getting married in 21st century is so hard especially here in the West. Back in India/Pakistan families lived in the same places so they got to know potential suitors really well. Here we're reliant on honesty and morality.
ReplyDeleteThanks Humaira - you're so right. We have to do our research and even then, there's a bunch of stuff we don't find out! I'd still choose living in the West though ;)
ReplyDeletejust a question:
ReplyDeleteby meeting do you mean a meeting in person or a meeting online like on skype or something? like, how long or how familiar should a person be with another before meeting in real life? Should you email first for a month or two before meeting in real life or should you meet right away and then carry on with the emails and stuff?
y,
ReplyDeleteBy meeting, I mean meeting the person with both families present, or at least members of both families.
I think emailing to get the basic info to find out if there’s compatibility ends up taking a few weeks, because of delays in responding. I wouldn't advocate emailing for months. I think it should be kept to a minimum because otherwise, people can build up false impressions of each other. Also, some people just seem to get a thrill out of having online conversations with the opposite gender, and have no intention of meeting, so if you suggest a meeting early, you can weed those people out early.
People (including myself) are so different online than in person, and although you can get some basic information from emails (and perhaps some info that you wouldn't get in person) there’s so much more you can gauge in person, especially the way they talk to you and how they interact with their family.
After meeting, there have been a couple of people who have given me their email address, or their sister’s, in case there are any questions that haven’t been answered, or that either person would rather not ask in front of everyone before the next meeting, if there is one.
A good piece of advice I was given was to not send an email to a suitor if you wouldn’t be comfortable if your parents read it. That might sound a bit severe, but at the end of the day, you’re not only representing yourself, but your family and upbringing too; plus you can’t be sure who else is going to read it once it’s sent!