Advice for searching for a spouse (rishta): Part 2: meetings

So, whether you decide to meet up in the family home, or in public with a mehram (chaperone), meeting a random person to find out if you're compatible for marriage is awkward. Obviously my rishta advice is from a female perspective, and is just what has helped me. I'm sure a lot of it can apply to guys too.
There are some things that can be done to get the most out of meeting a rishta and decrease the nervousness and awkwardness. Here's some of what's worked for me. If you have anything to add, feel free!

Before

Maximum information
Before arranging to meet someone, it's beneficial to have as much information as possible so that you know whether it's worth meeting. It's sometimes worth asking close friends/family whether they've heard of the person - some people are well known in a society for the right or wrong reasons. It can be useful to ask in a way that doesn't make it obvious it's regarding a rishta for you, because if people think you're already serious about a person, they're likely to want things to work out for you, so probably won't let on if there's anything negative about the person. I've seen quite a few situations now where a marriage doesn't work out, then lots of people say they knew the guy/girl was a bad person or had done such and such, but didn't want to say anything when asked their opinion because things were already serious between the couple.

Be careful who you ask as they may be biased due to e.g having a family feud with that person, having been rejected as a potential spouse for that person themselves etc. If you know their full name, it might be worth looking up their name on social networks to see if they have friends in common and a glimpse into what they're like. A picture says a thousand words, so if a guy's profile picture is of him in a nightclub holding an alcoholic drink and with scantily clad women draped over him, you may want to pass on meeting him!

Communication before meeting
If you have come across the person before hand e.g via an online matchmaking site or through friends/family passing on your details, or even the guy's parents passing on his email addres/phone numbers so you can find out if you're compatible beforehand, it's important to do this in a good way. It's important that things are kept purposeful and don't go too far. A good piece of advice I've been given is to communicate in a way that if someone you respect was listening to that phone call or reading your emails exchanged, you wouldn't be ashamed.

Beware of guys who:

• want to have endless meetings/ phonecalls where, at the end, you don't know anything more about them or their family
• are over friendly/flirtatious/complimentary - if they're like that with you, they're probably like that with lots of other girls
• dodge personal questions or change the subject when you ask about their friends/family/mutual friends - they may have something to hide
• say they don't want to involve family until they're sure this is the person they want to marry - they may be a commitment-phobe
• Give a ridiculously small amount of information or say things that make them sound bad - they may be trying to put you off because they're not interested, or ready to start looking for someone for marriage
• say they don't know what they're looking for or when asked what they think of certain things, say they don't mind - they may not be ready for rishta searching yet
• when asked what they'd be looking for in a partner, have a massive list of how she should dress, act, be with their family etc - they're usually control freaks
• barely say a word, while their sister/mother asks you all the questions and tell you what 'we' are looking for - that's not usually a healthy relationship

Think of some questions
If you're new to rishta meetings, it can help to think of some questions to ask before meeting them (based on the information you have) - if you get really nervous and have a mind-blank when you're talking, these will probably come back to you! See 'Ask the right questions' below.

Be ready early
You'll feel more relaxed, be able to fix any wardrobe malfunctions, make-up mishaps etc and have time to do some du'as, dhikr etc. Also, I've heard some people like to turn up early to catch people unaware or 'test' them. So if you're ready early, you can feel all smug

Dress code
It's good to wear something that you feel comfortable and attractive in - generally something you've worn before. I tend to wear something mid-range i.e I would visit an acquaintance's house in it. Obviously it's important to dress modestly, but I feel it's important to dress in a similar manner as normal.

Wear socks
For some reason, Asian aunties like to stare at your feet, which can make you feel really self conscious. I've heard that guys are advised to look at a girl's feet to see what her real skin colour is, since a lot of girls use make-up or skin-lightening products on their faces. I don't know how true that is, but I have definitely felt the stares and it freaks me out :/

Other singles 'uglify'
Because my sisters and I look very alike, I have to guiltily admit that I get them to 'uglify' at rishta visits -  glasses instead of contact lenses and a slightly dowdy outfit lol.

A signal system and a plan
My family and I have a signal system. When I've had enough of talking to a guy and want to escape, I scratch my wrist as a cue for someone to interrupt and e.g ask everyone if they want more tea and diffuse the meeting somehow. It depends on the setup. Definitely plan your entrance and escape! Also knowing where people are going to sit, who will bring things into the room and serve them etc can help too, if you're nervous.

Lots of food
I like to make sure there is a good amount of savouries prepared beforehand (usually samosas in my case - yum!) - a lot of Asians are diabetic so they son't eat a lot of sweet, so savoury is good. Also if there's a lot, it gives you something to look forward to after the visit. Whatever food it is, make sure it's something you can eat it comfortably and with dignity.

Another couple
Since I don't have brothers, I try to arrange the meeting with the presence of another young married couple so that the rishta guy has someone on his level he can talk to (since talking to my dad the whole time might be uncomfortable for him!) and I have some company. It has to be with people who I can trust to be discreet, and are relaxed and chatty but not overbearing. Luckily I have a choice of these in my family.

Be positive
You never know, this could be the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with happily inshaAllah.

Du'a
A couple of du'as that help me before rishta visits:

Rabbi-'shrah li sadri wa yassirli amri wahlul 'uqdatan min lisani yafqahu qawli."

"O my Lord! Open for me my chest (grant me self-confidence, contentment, and boldness). And make loose the knot (the defect) from my tongue, (i.e. remove the incorrectness from my speech) That they understand my speech. (Qur'an 20:25-28)

Rabbi yassir wa laa tu'assir wa tammim bil khayr. 
Oh my Lord, make (it) easy and do not make it difficult, and make it end well.

During

Be yourself (everyone else is taken)*
There is absolutely no point in trying to come across as someone you're not, or to say things just because you think it's what people want to hear - it's a way of lying, and wrong on so many levels.

Pretend they're the same gender
It's easy to think of the other gender as another species - if you do that, it will probably just make you nervous so talk to the person as if they're someone you're just starting to befriend and trying to find out more about.

Trust your instincts
It's important to know the difference between feeling uncomfortable/nervous/awkward and just feeling really uncomfortable around a person because something just isn't right. If it's the latter, the chances are that the person's not right for you but try and find out more before just writing the person off.

Ask the right questions
To get the most relevant information, you need to ask the right questions for what's important to you e.g about lifestyle, religiousness, their relationship with their family, expectations of roles in a marriage, whether they would expect you to give up work after marriage or expect you to work an contribute equally financially, living arrangements, future plans. If something doesn't sit right with you, make a mental note of it. It might be a good idea to ask how they socialise and whether they drink alcohol - the guys who are party animals don't always look the type.

*Oscar Wilde

After

Review

After the rishta people have left, I usually have a chat with everyone who was there from my family about their thoughts on the guy and his family, any positive and negative points and discuss anything that didn't sit right with me. It's important at this point to think of anything you'd like to know more about and remember to ask about it if you meet again. After this point, it's important not to think about it too much, over analyse or beat yourself up for 'messing things up'. If something is meant for you, it will definitely happen and nothing or nobody can stop that. If it's not meant for you, it's Allah's will so don't question it - it's for the best. Learn from the experience and move on.

Istikhara

Even though in Asian culture, it's the guy's side who decides whether there will be any further meetings etc, it's good to do istikhara to see whether a positive or negative feeling develops. To be honest, I only do it once I know that they're interested.

Further meetings

If the guy's side is interested they'll want to meet again. If you do, it's a good opportunity to find out anything you want to know more about. It can sometimes be a good idea to ask certain questions you already asked last time - if you get different answers both times, this can be a big red flag, so be careful. Of course, there's a possibility that their answer has changed because their situation has changed, so definitely find out more.

Relax

It's over! InshaAllah your search will end soon, successfully :)