Advice for searching for a spouse (rishta): Part 3: keeping up with the search

The thing is, none of us knows the whole plot for the story of our lives - it's good, because it means we have hope, and keeps us on out toes, but I guess when it comes to marriage, it can feel a bit frustrating sometimes.

Here are some things that have helped me keep positive, and keep the search going. Sorry if it comes across preachy, but I'm writing it to remind myself first and foremost, because it's easy to slip back into bad habits.

Istikhara
If you did istikhara after meeting someone and you got a definite negative feeling or it didn't work out, it's best to accept it and move on - never dwell on what could have been.

Du'a
Keep up your duas and never give up (speaking from experience)! Never ask why God isn't answering your prayers (I mentioned in the last post the 3 ways duas are answered) - sometimes something may be withheld from us because Allah loves to hear us pray to Him. Also, it's good to know times when dua is accepted and special people it's more accepted from.
http://www.islamawareness.net/Dua/best.html
http://muslimmatters.org/2008/08/06/the-dua-barometer-how-bad-do-you-want-it/

In Saheeh Muslim and Sunan Ibn Majah, it is narrated from Abu Darda that the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) said, 'The Dua of a person for his Muslim brother in his absence will be answered. At his head there is an angel, and every time he prays for him for something good, the angel who has been appointed to be with him, says, 'Ameen, may you have likewise.' 
For this reason, I try to do du'a for past prospectives and their families (and obviously my near and dear ones). It also stops me from having any bad feeling towards them, and to be genuinely happy for them when they get married

The only thing that can come of doing du'a is good :)

Be grateful
Never dwell on those happy couples who seem to have it on - aspire to be like them for when you do inshaAllah get married, but look at people who are having a harder time than you and share advice or help them out.

Goals and flexibility
Getting older usually means getting more set in our ways. It's good to define your short term and long term goals and work some flexibility into the plans so as not to become too rigid. Don't put something off just because you think it will make you less appealing for marriage (e.g starting a new course) - you never know whether it will happen further in the future, or if you end up getting married soon, it could work out too. It's important to have a balance of worldly and deen goals. Your standards and priorities might change over time so it's good to go back and re-assess once in a while.

Learn from the past
Take a dispassionate look back at all of your past rishtas, see if there are any patterns in what people's issues were with you, anything you realised was a priority for you etc and you might be able to anticipate certain things, although you obviously can't ever know for sure. For example, I've noticed that when guy's mums are overfriendly and complimentary and try to rush things ahead, there's usually something dodgy about the guy.

Keep the search going
I always thought I'd be married, or at least engaged at 25 through my parents networking, or relatives putting a prospective forward, but that's not the way things have gone. I've learned that I have to put some effort into the search too. A few things I tried that have had some results:

• I told all my friends (including non Muslim) and family at some point that I'm single and looking  – I was surprised that certain people thought I wasn’t interested in marriage, so hadn’t thought of looking for me. I made a list of what was essential, desirable and a no-no for potentials, and told them about that too.
• I asked my parents to do this too
• I persevered with matrimonial websites. I haven’t had much luck but know loads of people who got married after meeting through them.
• I asked my Islamic teachers/shaykhs to look out for me, or got other people to talk to them on my behalf (that was quite embarrassing but it’s had some results)
• I have been more observant about guys who are single and looking to get married

As with most other things in life, there are lulls and there are times when we can really think a prospective will work out and it doesn't, and it can get to us, but it's important to know that it's a journey and you'll come through it - the choice of what attitude to have and how patient and gracious to be through it is in our control though.