musing on....living with in laws

Salaam!

I have no idea if anyone will still read this blog but I thought I'd update it anyway.

So I lived with my in-laws for over a year, and I will say at this point that a lot of that was the worst time in my life. Some people might have an amazing relationship with their in-laws and not have a problem living in a joint family, but for every example I know of, that definitely isn't the case! From people that found out that I was going to be living in a joint family, the advice ranged from 'bite your tongue and things will gradually get easier" to - much more occasionally - "be yourself and only do what you're comfortable with from the start because keeping up the image of being perfect isn't sustainable". What would my advice be? Trust your instincts and yes, don't try to do too much or try to appear perfect. You will most likely have a different upbringing and different ways of doing things from your in laws, so it'll take time to get used to that. One thing I would have done differently was to make it clear that I needed some alone time and space - for myself and for me and my husband as a couple. I realised that at my in-laws, I never felt like it was my home because at the back of my mind, wherever I was in that house, there was a constant probability that someone would intrude and interfere. That's a difficult way to live.

The first thing that annoyed me before I even got married was my husband telling me that his Mother wanted us to stay at the family home after the wedding, not a hotel, because she wanted me to get to know the family (weird time for it!). I knew that if I objected, it would cause an issue, but I was annoyed at the lack of privacy we would have and that the experience of my wedding night wouldn't be what I had imagined it would be.

When I moved into my husband's family home, things seemed great at the beginning. My husband was amazing and attentive, my mother in law (I'll abbreviate to MIL now I think) was so caring and sweet and the rest of the in laws were friendly and easy to live with. Some of the nice things she did were to ask me what my favourite foods were and have them in the house before I came. For the first couple of weeks I lived there, she didn't let me do a jot of housework and would chat to me endlessly when we were together and compliment me on things like my clothes, the way I did things etc.

There were small issues here and there that slightly annoyed me but I thought it was OK. For example, my aunt had got my wedding bouquet made for me and told me she had got Swarovski pins put in so that I could use them as nice scarf pins afterwards. I loved the bouquet too and wanted to dry it out and press some of the flowers and preserve them as a keepsake. One day, I came home and my MIL told me that she had been cleaning up and had thrown the bouquet away, and that she had kept the pins from the bouquet because look how nice they are - and asked if I wanted to keep one or two (there were at least 20!).

I have dark skin, and I've always been made to feel like it was a disease by the Pakistani community. I was given a few tubs of face lightening creams and face masks in the first few weeks by my MIL and told I should use them.

'They'll make your skin really nice - all the girls in Pakistan use them", then I was scolded when every time she came into our room, she would look and see that they were still unused.

Things plodded along and slowly I started to notice that things weren't as great as I had first thought. Whereas at first, my MIL would work with me and help when we were doing housework, she started to become really demanding, but because she would always speak to me in a nice way, I didn't actually notice. I realised afterwards that I was actually being treated like a housemaid. As soon I came into the house after work, there were lists of chores and the dinner had to be made early because they would have dinner at about 4pm. When my MIL went out, she would give me an impossibly long list of things she wanted done before she got home. If I didn't do something she would tell the whole family she had asked me to do it but then had to do it herself, and a long description would follow about how things were hard for her and how she is getting old. If my husband mentioned that someone else could do that chore, she would say that I was the only one that she had told how to do it properly, or make excuses for other people not being able to do it or help.

It was only after I moved out that I realised how the constant criticisms and little snide remarks had affected me. Comments about my weight, comments comparing me unfavourably to my sisters in terms of my looks and personality, criticisms and scolding about not 'taking care' of my husband, about how stressed he looked, that 'poor thing - he's lost weight (he was overweight before and decided he wanted to get healthy), "you could at least iron his clothes" when he would appear in his pyjamas or lounge clothes (my husband is the least vain person I've ever met so he didn't care about things like this, but I would constantly be stressed about how we both looked as I dreaded these comments), snide comments about how 'you don't know because you were brought up differently', comparisons to other daughter in laws and how they were doing so much for their in laws, or how they had so many children even though they were only such and such age, or had only been married for such and such a time, and so much more. It was so wearing and I became increasingly nervous and paranoid.

At the time I was in the 4th year of a fairly intensive Islamic studies course which I had always enjoyed and made time to study for. After about 6 months, I went from getting an average of 80% in my exams to failing most exams and then failing the resits. This really upset me. After one particularly bad one I actually cried. My MIL saw me and asked what was wrong. When I told her, she threw her head back and laughed for a while then asked “is that all?!” And left me to it. Whenever I sat down to study, my MIL would tell me she needed the space I was studying in, or tell me she needed my help with something, or turn on the TV really loud. When I had to go to my class, she would try and make excuses for me not to go that sounded innocuous - oh it’s raining - maybe you shouldn’t be driving in bad weather. Your husband seems tired - you should keep him company. Actually, this happened for any family event, any reason that I had to go out of the house without it being her decision. Every little thing became an issue - I wasn’t allowed to have any of my belongings around the house except for the small bedroom that was mine and my husband’s, for example.

I started to notice that whenever I mentioned I was going to visit my parents, the list of chores would increase, people would be coming to visit or that she 'needed me' for something. On the occasional times when my husband was going to come with me to visit my parents, she would suddenly have a terrible headache, or feel ill or want to talk to my husband, so he wouldn't be able to come with me. This all niggled at me but I made excuses for her, or thought it was all in my head until...

A few months after marriage, a close uncle of mine passed away. My aunt whose husband it was, was now widowed and all of the nieces and nephews were going to her house as often as we could to help her deal with visitors and give her company. One morning, I was getting ready for work and my MIL called me into her room. She told me that it wasn't right that I was going to see my aunt so often, and that week I had been to visit my parents once and they had come over to visit once - that it was too much, and I should think about her, about how she missed me while I was away, and that I should think about my husband and the housework, that it's not right for a married woman to make a habit of seeing her own family - it should be occasional. I left the room shaking with the shock and confusion of what she had just said. Luckily, my husband was nearby and had heard all of this. While I tried to compose myself, he told her that what she had said wasn't right, and that it was my religious right to see my parents.

I remember one time when my parents were on holiday and I had been to their house to feed their pets, I came back and as usual, my MIL commented that I had been away for too long, how much she had had to do because I wasn't there, then added "you were there for so long, why didn't you just stay there", made a sour face and told me some chores to do, now that I was finally back.

Another common occurrence was being asked when I was going to have children; why I didn't have any yet, how so-an-so got pregnant right away after marriage etc. At one point I was being asked variations of this once a day or more. One day while sitting with the family, my MIL started the topic again, but then she started a long spiel about how contraception is wrong, that I shouldn't use it and that I should tell my husband not to. that she had all her children by the time she was in her early 30s and that 'some people' hadn't even started yet. I was bemused and embarrassed. I later found out that she had found 'the pills' in our bedroom and had asked her daughter what they were. They had a discussion about it behind my back, without asking me about it. I later found out my sister in law had told other people too because she thought it was such a hilarious story. I was so annoyed. Firstly, that she had gone through my things and talked about them behind my back, and secondly, that I had been prescribed them to help treat my hormonal condition at the time, but even if I had been using them as a contraceptive, that would be mine and my husband's decision to make.

Things kept escalating. I felt like I was going insane with the lack of space and privacy - there were too many people living in this one small house, I was never able to be alone - important for an introvert like myself, and the number of guilt trips and the controlling behaviour got worse and worse. My mental and physical health deteriorated. I became withdrawn and depressed, and kept getting ill. I had constant headaches and nausea. I was on antibiotics about 5 times in one year. My husband got really worried because a few times I almost got into car accidents - I couldn't focus or think straight. I contemplated suicide, but thankfully my religious beliefs stopped me. My dad kept asking me when he saw me if I was ok - he later told me that he had thought I had a serious illness because I looked terrible (I didn't tell my parents about the stress or drama around the fact that we wnted to move out until months after the fact).

Me and my husband would spend time with the family, help with the housework etc but when we were in our bedroom, we would constantly get interrupted with phone calls and knocks on the door from his family. No matter how much time my husband spent with his family, how much he spent on them or how much he helped, he would be made to feel guilty for not doing enough or being with them enough. I felt a lot of resentment and jealous vibes from his family that my husband would be happy, open and talkative with me, but quiet and serious with his own family. He later told me that this had always been the case as he wasn't ever close to them, but they only seemed to notice after he got married. He got told that in front of family members, he was not allowed to hold my hand, put his arm around me or be 'touchy-feely' at all with me. If he complimented me or did anything nice, there were dirty looks and frowns from his family.

One day I told my husband that I didn't think I could live in a joint family anymore. He was shocked and very upset. He started to say something that I couldn't bear to hear the end of and I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. As soon as that happened my MIL and sister in law appeared, and basically started asking me if I should go to a doctor - could I be pregnant? I felt like I could explode - I didn't know how to process it all. My husband and I decided that we would try and make some changes to make the situation better, but still try to live as a joint family. Things didn't improve. We decided we would tell his family a few weeks later and try and make a plan of action for moving, but one day while I was meeting up with friends and he was alone with his parents, he told them. Apparently he was very upset and told them that he didn't want to move out, but that I did. His mother said she couldn't handle it and left the room in tears. His sister told me several times afterwards that it was the only time she has ever seen her brother cry. That day I came home to an icy atmosphere, which continues to this day, though it was worst in the few months after this. We were told that we weren't allowed to discuss the house move in from of my MIL as it was too upsetting for her.

One of my huband's siblings was going to buy a house on the same street as his parents, but it was decided that my husband would buy it instead, as he was told he wasn't allowed to move any further away. My in-laws told my husband he wasn't allowed to put my name on the mortgage. They told him he was abandoning them, abandoning his ill relative (who lives with my in-laws and who my husband helps a lot with). The whole process put a lot of financial pressure on my husband - the house was in a bad state as an elderly lady - who was a smoker, had been living in it for over 20 years, and we could barely afford it, never mind all the work that needed to be done to it.

My MIL started crying one day because she said she was worried about how the household expenses would all be paid for now that my husband would be moving away. She told him that he needed to put hundreds of pounds into her account every month by direct debit - that she shouldn't have to ask or even know about it. I later found out that my in-laws are doing really well financially, but my husband still has to do put this money in, as well as pay for certain utilities in their house, and give whatever ridiculous amount of money that his mother demands for every sibling that gets married etc. The only reason I can put this down to is my MIL's need for control.

The time between this period and moving out is a blur. I just remember the anxiety and the terrible atmosphere, and being frozen out by my in-laws. I was constantly told that this was a stressful situation for my husband, it was such a shame for him and that I wasn't taking care of him.

My MIL told me that if anyone asked, I was to say that our moving out was her idea. She said that if I ever finished work early or had some spare time, I should be at her house doing chores or asking if I could help her. My sister in law took me aside one day and told me that even after I moved out, my in-laws and their housework was still my responsibility. My sister in law had several 'talks' with my husband about how he had to be at his parents house every day and how he would need to do extra now because they felt abandoned and betrayed.

Once we moved out, we had a lot of phone calls demanding us to come over at various times and for various random reasons. I realised afterwards that one of the things that frustrated me about my MIL was that she would make demands like "come with me" or "I need you for a couple of hours right now" but wouldn't say what it was for. Sometimes it would be for 'a talk' for something that either me or my husband or both of us had done wrong', sometimes it would be for chores etc. I think the dread of not knowing made it worse. My in-laws would come over to our house unannounced, at strange times. I eventually decided to block my MIL from my phone, as number of phone calls was getting out of hand, and the small nasty comments would make me feel paranoid and upset. I asked my husband to ask my in-laws to give us a phone call beforehand if they were going to come over.

Although our house needs a lot of work done to it - the walls and carpets yellowed and old, smelling of cigarette smoke, everything needing to be replaced, which will take years to get to a reasonable standard, and I get spied on by my in-laws because we live a stone's throw away from them (I get a lot of comments from them about who comes and goes - even when we get food deliveries!), the situation is a lot better than when I lived with my in-laws alhumdulillah, and I feel like I have learned to keep boundaries with them. My in-laws have lived on this street for a long time and know most people on it. I often feel like they have poisoned the neighbours against me as I get a lot of dirty looks and can count the number of times when I have had a reply to my hello or salaam from people on the street.

My relationship with my husband is also a lot better and I have noticed that he is a lot more happy and relaxed. In attempting to make our house a decent place to live, I've also learned a lot about DIY.

I really find the mentality of mothers demanding their sons to live with them when it's not necessary annoying and ridiculous, and hope it dies out. I manage to help my parents without living with them. For every couple, both sets of parents matter, but the emphasis is on a man's parents in the Pakistani community - no matter how wealthy and healthy they are.

I know that this is basically just a giant rant, and I know that a lot of people have things much worse, but if you are going through something similar, I hope and pray for you that things get better, and I pray that you are given strength and resilience through it, and your situation eases. Ameen.

Feel free to share your story!