Advice for searching for a spouse (rishta): Part 1 - Mental preparation

I've decided it's time to put down some advice I wish I'd had and/or heeded when I first started this process. I'm definitely still learning! I'll probably keep adding to this as I go along my journey/remember other things. I would love to hear other people's too :)
This first part is about preparation and having the right attitude from the outset. Part 2 will be about the actual search and part 3 will be about keeping the search going - I think - inshaAllah (I haven't really decided yet).
Here goes

Know what your ultimate goal is (so don't get obsessed with 'the search'!)
At any given point, be sure you know your sole purpose in life is to worship Allah, and marriage is a means to doing this, not an ultimate goal in itself. It's very easy to become obsessed. FreelyEnslaved (read her blog!) has an excellent post on this. Also, getting obsessive can lead to despair or getting desperate, which are not only unbecoming but can damage your faith in Allah. Remember that we're going to ultimately be judged as individuals - not couples!

Know yourself
You're considering spending your life with someone who hasn't had a lifetime to know all your good and bad qualities, habits, tendencies etc, so will probably ask about them - if you haven't thought about these aspects, this can be confusing. Understand what your weaknesses are and work on them, and know what brings out the best in you, what makes you respect people (this is really important), what you love about your friends (is there anything they all have in common?), what puts you off people etc. Ask your friends and family about what they think your strengths and weaknesses are, your good and bad qualities, what brings out the best and worst in you, and their opinion - if nothing else, it's a self esteem booster, and might help you in other aspects of life e.g career too.

Manage Expectations
Talk to people who are married about what they were looking for, how they got married etc and seek their advice! Not only will you find out things that surprise you but you'll bond with them and most probably have  a laugh.. Try to talk to a variety of people e.g those who live with in-laws, those who met at work or were introduced by family, interracial/cultural marriages etc so as to understand some of the issues, and to give you some idea of what would and wouldn't work for you and what married life is really like. You might be surprised!

Know what you want
It's very easy to say 'I'll know when I see it', and that may be true for some people, but it definitely helps to have an idea of what's essential, desirable what you can be flexible on and what's a total no-no for you. Think about what you can't live with, what you can't live without, what you're flexible about, the kind of people who bring out the best and worst in you, the qualities you love in others etc

Be your best
Don't compare yourself to others - everyone's path in life is different. It may be that by staying single, you're avoiding people who are bad for you, or there's something you need to achieve or that you need to work on, or it's just not the right thing for you just yet. If you try to be the best person that you can, in every facet of your life, you will minimise regrets and have lots of goals and hope for the future. For example, n the last few years, I've started to take a lot more care of myself in terms of diet and fitness, and know that I feel and look well alhumdulillah - in the rishta search, this is really important!

Good Company
You're not alone in your singledom! It's good to have a few friends who are in the same situation - you can vent, learn from each other's experience, encourage one another and be each other's shoulder to cry on, or be truly, meaningfully happy for them when they find someone. They can also be a source of information about potential suitors too.

Pressure
People will probably try to make you panic by telling you stories of those who were too picky when they were young, then ended up being scorned loser-y spinsters at 50. Yes, this can happen, but don't confuse having principles and standards with being too picky. Don't let it put you off either - in Islam, the ultimate decision is with the man and woman getting married, so you're perfectly entitled to your decisions.

Open-mindedness
Try to have a non-judgemental attitude and not be too restrictive. The fact is that we actually don't know what's best for us. "...it may be that you dislike a thing while it is good for you, and it may be that you love a thing while it is evil for you; and Allah knows while you know not" [Qur'an 2:216].
Be careful what you say - I've seen so many examples of people saying statements like "I would never be with someone short" or parents who have said they would never let their child marry someone Bengali, and they have ended up with exactly that! Maybe it's God teaching us a lesson in humility and not being prejudiced :).

Be positive
If you stay positive, you'll get the best out of life no matter what comes your way. Inevitably, there are times in life when you feel down - in those situations, be kind to yourself, understand that it's a phase, and every phase is temporary - you'll get through it inshaAllah.

Take criticism graciously
It's very likely that if you're single and have been looking to get married, people will give you 'advice' about what you're doing wrong. Being defensive only serves to either hurt people's feelings if they're being sincere, or give them ammunition to bitch about you if they're being nasty, so it's better to be polite and accepting or correct them in the best way if they've said something wrong. Some things can be hurtful but helpful, so it's best to be receptive. E.g when a few people point out to you that you've put on weight and it might be hindering you - it might be time to sort out your diet and fitness!

Appreciate your singledom
When you're single, it's likely that you'll have more time of your own - it's the perfect time to explore and further your passions and interests, spend precious time with your friends and family, create good habits, do charity work that interests you and gain Islamic knowledge - if you get married, these will create a great foundation for good relationships and great habits for if/when you become a parent, and if you don't, you've become a better person - it's a win-win situation.

Make du'a
Du'a is one of the few things that can change your destiny. Du'as can be answered in 3 ways:
1) What you ask for is given to you immediately.
2) A calamity is averted from you. 
3) The du'a is not answered in this dunya (this life); you are rewarded for it in the aakhira (the next life). There is no doubt that the du'a will be answered. Allah does not make the dua appear on the tongue , except that He wants to answer it. 
So again, it's a win-win situation

Here are a few from the Qur'an. These are important because they were originally done with sincerity, then accepted by Allah and preserved for our benefit.

"Rabbana aatina fid-dunya hasanatan wa fil aakhirati hasanatan waqina 'adhaban-nar."

"Our Lord! grant us good in this world and good in the hereafter, and save us from the chastisement of the fire." (2:201)

"Rabbana aatina min ladunka rahmatan wa hayyi' lana min amrina rashada."

"Our Lord! give us mercy from Your presence, and shape for us right conduct in our plight." (18:10)

"Rabbanaa hab lanaa min azwaajina wa dhuriyyaatina qurrata A'yunin waj'alnaa lil-muttaqina imama."

"Our Lord! grant us in our mates and offspring the joy of our eyes and make us an example for those who guard against evil." (25:74)

....and another

Recently, my parents visited some old family friends who they'd fallen out of touch with. Inevitably, the subject of marriage came up and my parents told hem about our rishta woes. A few days later, we got a phone call from some randoms to say that the aforementioned family friends had recommended that our families be introduced as they had an unmarried son. It's nice when people do things like that.

Anyway, they decided to come and visit. They brought their unmarried son, plus his older brother, who was married - they didn't bring either of his sisters, which meant I had no female company :(. Both of his parents walked with a walking stick, which is a shame - I didn't realise until recently how fit and healthy my parents are in comparison to most desi people their age mashaAllah. When I walked in the room to say salaams, it was maghrib time, so everyone was bustling around (I planned it like this so I only had to greet everyone and pray, instead of sitting around awkwardly for what would feel like a lifetime!).

I walked into the room and greeted everyone there - it was the guy, his mum and my dad (the others had gone to the bathroom). So I assumed the guy's mum was sitting down and praying, because when I came in and said my salaams, she stared straight ahead, so I didn't go up to her and hug her. But then my dad suggested that the ladies go into the other room, so I realised she wasn't, and she had just ignored me. Awkward. The guy himself seemed quite a nice, decent, well rounded person, and talking to him was fine. It just felt like there was something weird going on - like his parents instantly realised this wasn't what they were looking for, or that they felt obligated to come in the first place as family friends put the suggestion forward, or maybe they wanted the guy to marry 'back home' - as his other 3 siblings had. They didn't give much away about their son, and the guy's mum took some supari (weird stuff that people from the indopak region chew) out of her pocket and sat there chewing it and not really talking.

Anyway, after it, my family and I discussed what we thought and were pretty sure that nothing would come of the visit: I felt fine - just numb. Same plot, slightly different characters and weirdnesses (yes that's now officially a word)

Needless to say, my mum phoned to ask what they thought (expecting a 'thanks but no thanks' but just wanting to get closure) - and apparently the guy's mum wasn't available to talk. I think it's quite safe to take that as a no.

Allah is the best of planners - here's a nice quote someone put on facebook that made me think:

"What if I told you 10 years from now your life would be exactly the same? Would you be happy about this? Doubtful. So, why are you so afraid of change?"

Another year, another rishta

Salaam people!

Yes, there was another rishta to start the year off.

No interesting stories though. The rishta was a recommendation from one of my aunts. The guy and his mother came over. He was in his 30s, newly seeking because of family circumstances that had previously made it difficult. He was ok, but not very interested in the deen, and constantly mentioned the gym (I've noticed that the amount of times a guy mentions the gym seems to be proportional to how tubby he is - the bigger the guy, the more he seems to want to prove he works out. Weird). It was pretty obvious from the first couple of minutes of conversation that we just weren't compatible - we hardly had anything in common and didn't 'click' at all. Also, his mother was a little bit too nosey - asking about the price of my parents' house and how they paid for it, amongst other things. I wasn't very interested and they didn't call or anything. Overall, I guess it left me feeling more positive - that there are guys out there, and that they're not all total weirdos.

At around the same time, another lady phoned my mum to say she was looking for someone for her son. She said she would be going shopping the next day, and would pop round with her daughter to 'view' me as well. My mum was not amused at the way she obviously perceived girls as meat - something to window shop around to find the best deal for, before her son having to be involved.

Of course the search will go on inshaAllah, but it's not everything. It's time for me to re-evaluate and take action on some of the things I've always wanted to do, to try to make them a reality. The whole marriage thing may or may not happen, but other good things certainly can, bi idhnillah (with the permission of Allah).

Hope everyone else's year has started well :)

Cooling down time

Salaam,

So lately, things have actually gone completely silent on the rishta search - I've pursued the last couple of remote possibilities, which turned out to be dead ends. I now don't mind when people tell me they're not interested based on my job - that they're looking for a 'professional', or my looks. There's nothing wrong with them for wanting what they have in mind, and there's nothing wrong with me for the way I look or what my job is - I'm grateful for the looks Allah gave me and that I can get satisfaction from my job knowing I've helped people and that it's something I can learn from and reflect on alhumdulillah. I do wish people wouldn't string me along though - it wastes time and gets me down.

There are no prospects for the foreseeable future. I have just about come round to the idea that I'll consider people from back home as prospectives. It was never something I wanted, but it seems that the things I'm looking for: deen - someone who takes it seriously and wants to progress; responsibility - someone who wants to do things for themself and isn't tied to the apron strings; and depth - someone who can have a conversation that goes beyond cars and celebrities exist in some men in the UK - but those men, having developed such qualities, are looking for a smokin' hot yet demure Aishwarya Rai/ Angelina Jolie lookalike with the same qualities, but maybe less so - men are supposed to be the leaders of the family after all. Oh, and she should also be an elegant social butterfly who seamlessly fits in with his family, and a dab hand in the kitchen, plus some other things.

All of this leads me to conclude that it's just not meant to be right now. Sometimes, chilling out about something makes it easier for it to happen, or it might not even happen, so I need to seriously make some more goals for the future that don't include a partner. I'm not going to stop the search inshaAllah - if anything, it will give me some stories to tell my cats (what with my back-up plan of being an eccentric but kindly cat lady)

I feel quite loser-ish lately, turning up to family/desi events with my parents when every other girl my age and younger is with their other half. People are also slightly wary of me, being single at my age - it's like 'My God - what if her spinsterhood is contagious?! Better avoid her, giver her strange looks and not let our children near her'. Yeah.

It's funny, people (including myself) can tell me the same type of thing multiple times and at some point, it just sinks in. I know I definitely go through phases with the whole rishta thing:

Angry, ranty phase: agggh guys are so annoying! This whole situation is ridiculous - RIDICULOUS! Why do I even care??! Oh look - a message from a guy on one of the matchmaking sites *reads it* --> what a stupid message *frowns and stamps foot*. What a bunch of irrevocably HOPELESS  and SHALLOW nincompoops some men are!

Delusional phase: Heyyy, I'm not actually past prime marriage age, I'll find the perfect man for me and we'll click, then get married. It's aaaall going to be fabulous! And there'll be lollipops and cute bouncy kittens and happy happy happy times aaaaall the time

Distraction: Ah! Work is busy, but I'll take up a couple more projects! And I'll cook a complicated dinner that takes 2 hours to make and 1 and a half hours to clean up after. And hey - why do I only have one book to read on my bedside table - I'll start 3 other different ones. Better get busy busy busy!

or sometimes I rapidly  cycle between these, making me look insane. I don't want to become one of those weird, bitter, highly strung spinsters - I can feel it happening but I'm definitely going to try and fight it.

The point is that everything in this life is temporary - whether it is to do with feelings or circumstances, so sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe, chill out ad appreciate where I am, what I have and how far I've come :)

I am really grateful to have things that I can concentrate on - one of them being my Islamic studies. One of the things that helped me out a lot recently was this:

"Don't let the keeping back of something you are fervently asking for make you despair. He has guaranteed an answer to your prayer in those things He chooses for you, not in those things that you choose for yourself, and at the time He wants, not at the time you want"
(from the hikam of Ibn Ata Illah al Iskandari)

So humbling mashaAllah

A pick-me-up

From Dreamlife's blog

I read this and thought it was awesome mashaAllah!

“Reliance”

They tell you to be patient.
They say your time will come:
what is meant to be will be;

And all that lies between now and then
is a trial of Faith,
a lesson in patience,
a Revelation of your ultimate reliance on the One.

You seek that which, you feel, will complete your heart;
complement your mind;
bring lasting comfort to your soul.

You wish for the bond of love and tranquility,
placed between your hearts;
you yearn for the one who will be a garment to you,
and you fulfilling the same blessed purpose for them.

You dream of a future,
a life no longer alone.
A companion to share with you all the ecstasy and agony you will face within your journey.
Someone who will walk with you,
side by side,
hand in hand,
down the beautiful path that leads back the One to Whom we belong,
the One to Whom is our return.

And though you will face that Day alone,
your bond – and all it manifested itself as – gives you hope
that, together, you were each other’s helping hand.

You enjoined what was good,
and forbade what was evil;
You had a common goal, a beautiful goal;
and the support of each other was your safety net:
you had a home in their arms,
and when they held you,
nothing could harm you -

For you were right where you were destined to be,
wrapped in the love of the one who you held so dear,

and the two of you,
wrapped in the Love of the One Who brought your souls into existence,
then shaped you over time – through pain and joy, preparing you for the pure, everlasting union that was always in existence – though you did not know it until it came to your senses:
manifested itself in front of your eyes.

He alone, you worshipped;
He alone, you asked for help.

And though, at times, you grew frustrated,
wondering when the help would come;
when it would be your turn -
in truth, the Help was always there.

It was just for you to accept -
with your heart and your mind,
beyond the superficial rhetoric -
that everything has its appointed time.

So on that Day,
as you stand before Him,
you do so in the knowledge that your lives,
your souls,
though beginning separated;
were brought together at the appointed time.

And all that came before was not a waste -
on the contrary,
it was a treasure chest:
a collection of thoughts, feelings, experiences;
all part of your preparation.

Yet you did not see it that way,
in your haste to attain that which you so cherished.

But the past has passed,
and all is put into perspective now.

And though we cannot conceive what awaits us in the Hereafter
- for Paradise begins where the imagination ends -
we know who we wish to share it with.

So, look past the immediacy of these moments without them;
and remember what awaits you in your future.

Take lessons from the past.
Be thankful for the present.
Be hopeful for the future.

Seek help in patience and prayer;
ask of Him Who is of infinite bounty.

Tell Him all that you fear,
all that you dream of,
all that you want;

Open up to Him and pour out every ounce of the hurt you feel.
Let it all go.

For when you have done so,
when your troubles have been released,
you will be brought back to the truth and comfort of your ultimate reliance on the One:
your Eternal Companion; closer than you can imagine.

Keep the faith, always.

A slight rant

Salaam everyone!

Since there's not been much action on the other blogs I read, I decided to be proactive and post something.

***Update***
The guy that I'd written off because he didn't email for ages actually ended up replying (mid October-ish), saying that he had lots of questions and that he'd like to meet up (I assumed he meant in a family setting) when he was coming to visit his family in the 3rd or 4th week of November, so he asked if that would be ok, and what my parents thought of that. Fair enough, I thought. So I duly replied, saying that was fine and asking him to update me with the details. So now it's December and I've heard nothing. If he had just not replied in the first place, I would have put him down as not interested, applying the one week rule from the start (if someone doesn't reply to you by one week after you exchange photos or details on what you're like/what you're looking for, they're very unlikely to be interested in you) - ok, rejection is never nice but fair enough. Then I had to wait till mid November to write him off again.

I don't think it's that hard to say 'hey, y'know, my parents want me to get married but I'm not really interested right now' or 'hmm I don't think we're compatible so good luck. Bye.' or 'thanks but no thanks' or WHATEVERRRR in the first place. Lol. Just have some manners and let me know what's going on so I don't have to wait around like a lemon. Neither myself nor my parents think it's right to pursue more than one potential at a time so this really gets my goat as it wastes so much time. Grrr.

On the subjects of rants, why do brown people in the UK say 'sequences' instead of sequins, and 'pacific' instead of specific, and 'eckcetera' instead of 'etcetera'?

Anyway.....

There are currently no other potentials on the horizon for me. There may be another matchmaking lady who will help me out though - I'll see what happens inshaAllah.

I've started feeling really over the hill, though apparently I don't look it lately (in the last few weeks, everyone  who asked me what my age was, thought I was between 18 and 23 - alhumdulillah :).

But I do wonder, when am I too old to:

• wear my hoodie, jeans and trainers combo
• say 'duuuude'
• surreptitiously jump in puddles because I know I'm wearing waterproof footwear
• gallop down stairs etc (don't knock it till you've tried it!)
• eat Freddo bars and milkybars?

As I look back at this post, I realise most of this post consists of first world problems, and a lot of people would feel lucky that these were their only concerns. Great, now I feel guilty. But this was definitely cathartic so all good inshaAllah. Hoping that my next post will have a more positive vibe inshaAllah.

Till then, here's a smiley - old school style  :)

The search goes on...

So, things were pretty quiet on the rishta front. My Mum is usually the one who finds new prospectives, but recently, my Dad has renewed his efforts too. This, like everything else in life has its positives and negatives. My Dad has the opinion that as long as a guy is basically good overall, it doesn't matter if he's from the Motherland (Pakistan, for my parents). I, however, have seen a lot of friends and family marry people from back home and there can be a lot of problems (culture clashes, different expectations about each partner's role, blah blah blah); some people can deal with them, because they're awesome like that mashaAllah, or because they go to Pakistan every year, or various other reasons. So, pretty early on in the rishta search, I requested my parents to keep the search in the UK.

Recently one of my Dad's friends said that his friend had a single (and looking to get hitched) nephew in London and suggested that he be introduced to me. All he told my Dad was that he's been in the UK for a few years, is an accountant, and working in a big company. My Dad mentioned it to me and since I could tell he really wanted this to happen (I guess when it's someone your friend suggests, you think it's going to be someone great), I didn't make my "but he's a freshie" argument.

So the day came when the guy came to visit from London. He arrived at the house with my Dad's friend and his uncle. I helped my Mum in the kitchen, preparing food to be served (like a good girl) and then my Dad suggested I bring in the tea and be introduced - urk. I grudgingly entered, said salaam and stood there, red and embarrassed as my Dad introduced me, saying that we (i.e me and the single guy!) should communicate among ourselves as the 'bazoorgh' (rough translation, 'old and experienced') men can only suggest people be introduced because they're from good families, but it's up to us to decide whether we're compatible. A quick glance at the guy when I came in told me he was really embarrassed, and not that impressed. Lovely. My Dad then got me to write down my email address and give it to the guy. Hideously. Awkward.

It transpired that the guy was 29 and doing his final ACCA exams, was working in security (for a big company), and only had a year left on his work visa, so wanted to get married here. Hmmm. And he didn't contact me anyway so I don't have to think about it any more now. Alhumdulillah.

I think my Dad didn't realise how awkward it was to go into a room of random men and just be introduced and basically pushed to initiate contact with someone without finding out if there's anything in common.

There was another potential from one of the Muslim matchmaking sites, but the guy wasn't on the same page as me when it came to interacting with family, so we agreed to draw a line under it.

There is one more prospective on the horizon just now. Another younger guy my Dad knows has a cousin living in London. He's originally from my town, and his family stay fairly near us, but moved there for work. My Mum has had a phone conversation with his Mum, and she seems normal, which seems to be a precious rarity nowadays. His parents came to our house to visit. After a couple of days, his Mum phoned to pass on his phone number, so I could pass on my email address. I asked hime to email me with a biodata/ profile/ what he's like and what he's looking for. He then emailed me telling me his height and weight (I think he misunderstood biodata lol), and attached a couple of photos and asked for a couple of photos of me and my biodata. That's all. So I duly replied (with photos attached, as requested), telling him that height and weight aren't my main priority, so y'know, tell me a bit about yourself kind of thing. He hasn't replied. I hate waiting because it means I end up investing more time thinking about something that possibly - probably, won't happen. How hard is it to send an email, dude? I mean, really. And by the time you're nearly 30, you should be mature enough to let someone know if you're not interested in them too (which I'm assuming is the case), so that they can write you off and move on! I am past the stage of being offended if someone rejects me after seeing my photos. If they don't like the way I look in the nicest photos of me that I have, they probably won't like how I look in real life. That's okay - beauty's in the eye of the beholder and not everyone will find me attractive. Some people compliment me on my looks, some don't. It's all good alhumdulillah. My patience with the waiting game, though, is wearing really thin. OK, so I might not get married in the near future, or at all (inshaAllah this won't happen!) but it would be so much easier if people didn't draaaag things out. Grrr. It's just starting to feel a bit like groundhog day. I want a new story! *Sigh*. All in due course inshaAllah