Rishta happenings

Salaam,

So life has been busy since Ramadan. One thing I'm really grateful for is that I managed to go to taraweeh every night in Ramadan - it was great alhumdulillah. Every couple of nights, I would say salaam to whoever was sitting beside me. There was one lady who would often sit beside me and make conversation, which, towards the end of Ramadan, started becoming increasingly rishta-style - eventually she started telling me about her son. This all sounded promising (an auntie who actually likes me for me!) but then one day she mentioned her son's name and my heart sank. A couple of years ago, my uncle had suggested this guy for me, but when he broached the suggestion to the guy and his dad, they refused to consider me as a prospective as my parents are not of a high enough educational background apparently (they both have degrees and jobs, but they wanted them to be 'professionals'). So either the auntie had different views from her husband or son, or had changed them. Anyway, nothing came of it.

I was also in contact with someone on a Muslim matrimonial site who someone had recommended I contact. He was a paediatrician, divorced and bitter sounding, and seemed to have a long list of exacting standards of how people should conduct themselves. However, nothing came of this either. (I think it was after he told me how his family were all major academics and medics, and I told him my family were a mixture, he stopped replying - rude!). I don't understand how people can be so snobbish about someone who they haven't had a proper conversation with, never mind met.

Anyway, a while ago my cousin told me her friend had suggested that I would be a good match for her brother. I didn't hear any more about it until recently. The family came over to visit and the guy and his family seemed nice. There have been a few emails back and forth between me and the guy and another meeting of the families has been planned. I'm going to keep doing dua that God gives me the ability to make good decisions and judgements, stay relaxed and see how it goes. There are a couple of things about him and his family that are unique - things I hadn't considered before, that I need to find out more about, but I'm happy that someone who seems nice hasn't immediately dismissed me as a prospect for shallow reasons - and that the guy's mum treated me with warmth and respect Alhamdulillah - even if this goes nowhere, I'm glad that there are people like that out there.

Update

Salaam,

things are much the same. I am still very much feeling down, dissatisfied and despairing about what little I've achieved in life, and what my personality is like - I'm even boring myself. I think I need to seriously address my self esteem problems and my lack of assertiveness. I've learned that the biggest changes in my life have always come after feeling like I've hit rock bottom. So I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Ramadan is a light and I can't wait for the opportunities and spiritual experiences there. I need to focus and improve.

There was another rishta that came - the guy was nice enough but even though he was the same age, he just seemed very young and inexperienced with life - he just wasn't compatible. For the first time in my history of rishtas, the guy's mum was lovely - she was chatting to me without interrogating or looking me up and down, and she spoke english with me - joy of joys! If I was going to pick a mother in law, it would be someone like her. The family were nice too - they came exactly at the time that they said they would come - which was also a first, and I didn't have a sense of dread before it - which is extremely rare for me too. The whole thing was pretty painless to be honest - even though none of my sisters were there to keep me company during it, I thing I held my own quite well for once. The guy's mum phoned a couple of days after the visit to say that her husband (who hadn't come for the visit) had done istikhara and it was a 'no' - but she said it was lovely meeting us and was happy to have met a nice family - very polite of her.

So apart from that I've been getting rejections from people on matchmaking sites on the basis of my photos, and to be honest, I haven't been very good at replying to the messages I do get from time to time since I have such a low level of trust for people on these sites now due to past experience

I'm hoping that my next post will be more positive inshaAllah

Musing on.....struggling

I'm still struggling to cope with life. And there is no news on the rishta front, as usual. I don't really mind - I'm struggling with myself at the moment and I need to sort myself out before searching again. Maybe part of the reason it hasn't happened  is because I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I just don't have that much interest in the rishta thing at the moment. Besides, I think I am officially considered a spinster now - a write off. At social gatherings, people no longer joke with me now that 'It's your turn next....' - they awkwardly bypass me and address the younger women. The first time it happened, I barely registered it, but it's happened a couple more times now. My 30th birthday will be towards the end of the year inshaAllah, and I think I'm having a midlife crisis. Actually in all honesty I'm a bit dramatic so large phases of my life have been 'a crisis' lol.

I'm struggling with socialising (I'm writing a separate post on this)

I'm struggling with the fact that some of the people I love are ill. Seriously ill.  It's not just the person themselves that has to cope but their spouse, kids and all the other relatives. It hurts everyone. It's difficult to know how often to visit, how to act. Too cheerful and it seems like you don't care or aren't acknowledging it. Too serious and you put a downer on everything.

I'm struggling career-wise. I have very little savings and the nature of my job is that I work sporadically and not very many hours - and have to find another job for about 4 months of the year. I'm not even that good at it. But I enjoy it and have a few years experience of it now. I have considered a career change a few times but have never gone through with it. I am a bit more realistic about what I can do and what I want to do now though. I think.

I'm struggling with my health. Certain things have been ruled out from the blood tests that were run. But I'm still having problems. My GP suggested it was stress. Stress??? My life is a comfortable one. My job isn't demanding. The people I don't get on so well with, I don't have to deal with very often. So I don't feel "stressed". I think I probably have a high baseline level of anxiety but don't know if that's the same thing? Or maybe I'm just a hypochondriac! I don't know.

I'm struggling with apathy. My response to most things is 'ok'. I don't get angry about things, or upset, which is good. But I don't get super happy or enthusiastic about things, and have lost a lot of my sense of humour.

I'm struggling with balance, with motivation,, with getting things done. I have so many things I want to get done but I don't know where to start, or how much of each one to do. I'm scared to move and I'm scared to stay still. And I waste time by worrying about time.

I'm struggling with self esteem. I feel like a failure.

I'm struggling with the fact that so much is changing. I can't seem to keep up, let alone progress.

I say all of this, and I feel guilty that I have so much to be grateful for, but I'm so unhappy and unsatisfied - and it feels worse that I know that most of my problems are self inflicted.

I have a tendency towards depression - I have been swallowed up by it before, and I now recognise the signs and feelings that come before it - and how to nip it in the bud. But it's difficult. I'm struggling to find the strength and motivation to fight it off. I'm tired - physically and emotionally. People tend to think of it as laziness and there are a lot of people with a 'pull up your sleeves and get on with things/get over it' mentality, which doesn't help.

The way I see it, we're like actors in a play. We've been given a rough idea of our roles and our script, but our main job is to perform to the best of our abilities. When we don't, it not only affects us, but all our fellow 'actors and actresses'.

The thing is, though, that because of my faith, there is no option to run away from problems - I can't forget about them by using alcohol or drugs  - to self medicate as a coping mechanism, and I can't just stay in bed and hide from the world under the covers hibernating (even though I really, really want to sometimes!) because I have to pray my daily prayers. I have to keep family ties, which forces me to socialise. I have to keep my word - so if a friend asks me to meet, I have to, even if I feel like I can't face it. I have to go to my Islamic classes. I have to behave as normal so my family doesn't have another thing to have to worry about. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and walking forward - to keep going: the trick is to keep breathing.*

I am reminded of this hadith, which is what I have always aspired to, and hope to be able to achieve:

“How amazing is the affair of the believer. There is good for him in everything and that is for no one but the believer. If good times come his way, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him, and if hardship comes his way, he endures it patiently and that is better for him.”

[Muslim]

*A book whose title keeps popping into my mind recently.

Back again

Time has flown by and crawled by simultaneously for me for the last few months. I feel like I can't gauge it.

Rishta wise, same old situation. I've signed up with the local mosque matchmaking service, who, on reviewing my filled in form, said they were glad that I was 'flexible', but asked me if I was sure I wouldn't consider someone not born in the UK? Someone Algerian? Someone born in Pakistan? My answer was a diplomatic 'only in exceptional circumstances.' - the older I get, the more I want commonality, familiarity, home-ness (not back home-ness). Another of my cousins is looking into someone for me.

I have been struggling with some health issues - feeling tired and sore. I've been referred to a clinic, so will see how things go. Other health issues have cropped up too and are starting to bother me, and I'll need to get those checked up too.

I've been struggling to cope in general in all honesty. I've been dragging myself through the days, and finding the simple things overwhelming. I want to hibernate. I've realised part of this feeling is seasonal. In the summer I have so much hope for the future - so many plans.I run around, busy and inspired. By the winter I realise I've been running on the spot - I haven't achieved anything and I'm in the same old place. I don't know what to do. I have a problem with low self esteem and just can't see myself doing anything else. There are some little things though.

I help teach kids Quranic Arabic. I love the kids and I enjoy teaching them, but every week I struggle with myself to go. A few times I've made excuses not to, and justified it to myself. I realise it's self sabotage in some way. I think I'm scared of commitment/responsibility maybe? I have been getting help with my own Quranic recitation too, and it's a great feeling alhumdulillah.

I realised I'd been avoiding friends for months on end, so spent the last week getting back in contact and arranging meet-ups. I'm amazingly lucky to have the people in life that I do.

I have family weddings to go to - ones that I can really look forward to, have a laugh planning things, parties where I can get dressed up and let my hair down, .

I know this post was a bit jumbled, and probably a bit self pitying - I just needed to vent. I would really appreciate some duas too!

Update

Salaam,

it's been a while.

It seems that there are some potential rishtas on the horizon. One is from a matchmaking site, and seems ok so far - I don't know a huge amount about him, but he seems like a normal person with religious views etc in alignment with my own, and planning to meet in the holidays. Plus my mum has been in contact with a new matchmaking lady, and one of my Dad's old friends has suggested someone for me too.

Recently though, on one of the matchmaking sites, I encountered a string of creeps and weirdos, their antics including sending lots of selfies, insistenly and repeatedly asking for full length pictures of me and asking my weight :/

I recently was talking to an 'auntie' (ie woman older than me that's not a relative) around the same age as my mum, just about general things, then the topic came round to her looking for a job at the moment, which then turned to her telling me she is currently going through a divorce, (partly) because she found out after 25 years of marriage that her husband secretly had another wife in Pakistan. The auntie is now a single mother on benefits :(. I just can't stop thinking about her, which is good in a way because it makes me pray for her. It was her calm demeanour, and her 'no, no, it's alright' when I said I was sorry to hear of it that struck me. I think part of the reason for her being able to put such a brave face on it is that she has dedicated her life to other people, and learning and teaching her faith, and isn't stopping despite what she's going through. I pray that Allah swt heals her heart and makes her children the coolness of her eyes and a source of sadaqa jaariya (continuous reward) for her, and rewards her abundantly for her patience and all that she's gone through (ameen). Please make dua for her too.

Weird morning

Salaam,

I took the battery out of my phone for something last night, put it back in and set my alarm. This morning I woke up feeling like it was really dark and I'd woken up too early. I got ready and came downstairs ready to leave the house, and noticed that the clock on the oven said it was only 6.30 (my phone said 7.30). Confused, thinking somebody must have set it wrong, I checked the news channel on TV - which confirmed that I had woken up an hour early - gah!

Anyway, it made me think, there's a gold standard of rules set for us to check what's right and wrong (the Quran and Sunnah, and in this case, the news channel on TV), so it's never good to judge whether things are right or not according to other people (in this case, the time on the oven), as it can end up making you question yourself and get confused, especially when you can feel something isn't right (here, feeling uber tired and seeing it was dark). Hmmm.

I parked in a slanted ceilinged part of the car park and was really scared I'd scrape the top of the car. I reversed really slowly and heard a horrible thump. Having visions of a big tend in the top of the car, I checked: it was just the fin of the little 'Nemo' character on the aerial had been bumped off! Alhumdulillah, was so grateful!

Musing on....random things

Salaam,

I keep meaning to write another post, but have been really busy - the last few weeks have just been a blur.

A few things I've realised

• The blessing of having people close to you who tell you when the way you are acting is out of order. It's actually really difficult to see when your own behaviour has changed 

• Random acts of kindness make me really, really happy. I still remember a few years ago, standing at a bus stop on a freezing winter night, the bus arrived and the man behind me in the queue said 'Excuse me', shuffle-stepped in front of me and paid my bus fare. Well I decided to try and do something random and nice too. I left a couple of chocolates (wrapped ones!) at the study desks of the uni library. However, I hope they weren't melty, or the people who found them didn't think they were poisoned or anything lol

• The stages of how I have come to accept my being single have been like the stages of loss 

1. Denial and isolation: pretending there wasn't an issue and everything was fine
2. Anger: 'I hate men' 'this isn't fair' etc
3. Bargaining 'if only I was taller/fairer/a highly paid professional, it would happen'
4. Depression 'it's never going to happen - I'm going to die alooooooone'
5. Acceptance 'if it happens, it happens - it's all written into God's plan for my fate. I can't control others' behaviour or actions, only my own attitude and actions. Make the best of being single and try and create good habits and leave a positive legacy behind inshaAllah "Is there any reward for good other than good?" [Quran - Surah Rahman: 60]

• It's highly likely though, that I'll end up visiting one of the first 4 stages at some point (especially with how things are going on matchmaking sites, and with nothing happening with networking), but I'm prepared to work through it, so it's all good inshaAllah

• Getting old(er) isn't so bad - I can feel comfortable that the way I look and my personality are God-given to a point, so don't feel that I 'have to be' some way or another - it's really liberating alhumdulillah. I broadly know what I like, what I'm good at, the type of people I want to be around (and avoid!) and my limits in general - there's so much less stress about things and more acceptance, more ability to cope with things and be there for others, yet so much scope for improvement inshaAllah. I just need to see where it leads now......