Sunday 23 December 2018
Amusing...a brush with nature
I decided I wanted to be more at one with nature so I was looking at a tree in the garden and it had a really unusual looking surface. I gave it a little stroke and thought “hm it’s weird that it feels a bit fuzzy”. Then it moved. And I looked closer and THERE WAS A FAT FUZZY SPIDER THAT I HAD JUST STROKED
Monday 17 December 2018
musing on...my journey with social anxiety
First of all, what is social anxiety?
The NHS definition is that: Social anxiety (social phobia) Social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is a long-lasting and overwhelming fear of social situations. It's a common problem that usually starts during the teenage years. For some people it gets better as they get older, although for many it doesn't go away on its own.
Think about what you're most scared of, like spiders? Imagine that clench in your gut, fear-panic-dread feeling that you get when you see the object of your fear. That's how I felt when I had to interact with people, or in some way be more visible in front of people e.g. eating in public or making a phone call when someone else is there. It affected so much of my life, and it's an exhausting and lonely way to live life, as there's a constant drive to find ways of avoiding these situations.
What helped?
I wanted to put this near the beginning, in case you don't want to read the whole post!
Group CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) - essentially 'talking therapy' really helped me. I was referred to a psychologist by my doctor, and subsequently it was decided that this was the best option for me.
Also, forcing myself to be in social situations again and again and trying to remember that in reality, most situations turned out ok even when I thought I had completely 'messed up'
A couple of books that helped were:
Overcoming social anxiety and shyness by Gillian Butler. This is a good self help book based on CBT, with real life examples and some useful exercises (only useful if you do them though!)
Enjoy your life by Dr Muhammed Abd al Rahman al Arifi. This is a collection of incidents from the life of the Prophet (S), stories from the Companions (AS), and anecdotes from the author's own life. The genuineness and positivity of the author really comes through and I found it uplifting both for my confidence and for spirituality alhumdulillah.
How did I find out I had it, and what has my experience of social anxiety been like?
I have always been quite a shy and timid person, but during my teenage years I realised that this was more than just shyness. I had very few friends in school and would try to avoid social situations, even with family (but my family usually persuaded me to interact with them!)
When I first started university I would sit outside on an isolated bench for hours between classes, even on freezing winter days, because I didn't want to have to talk to people, and couldn't bring myself to ask where a canteen was, or how to access the library. I would wait hours so that I could catch a bus that was empty enough to avoid talking to people, and would have panic attacks about having to interact with people, rehearsing and re-rehearsing in my head what I should say, then say the wrong thing once I had to speak as I had got myself into such a state. Making or receiving phone calls was a huge problem. In fact, any sort of interaction with people was a huge issue for me and just made life really difficult. I felt isolated and I felt like a freak. The thing is, it's a vicious cycle. The more I felt uncomfortable, the more people were uncomfortable around me, and this reinforced my negative self image, leading to me being depressed as well as socially anxious. My self esteem was at an all time low.
One time I realised how different I was to the norm was when I was walking with a friend, and told her I had noticed someone I'd met before on another course. While I was frantically trying to find a corner or somewhere hidden to retreat to so this person didn't see me, my friend was looking at me in puzzlement, asking "but don't you want to go and say hi to her?"
If I did have any social interactions, I would analyse them in extreme detail afterwards, and give myself a hard time over each thing I had said and done. I'd feel so stupid and so ashamed that I'd want to avoid the situation even more.
One time during an appointment for something else, my doctor noticed how miserable I was and we had a brief discussion. She gave me the choice of either taking antidepressants or being referred to a psychologist. I chose the latter. After a few sessions, I found out that my main issue was social anxiety and was referred for group therapy - CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) for 10 sessions, which changed things a lot for me. I tried to challenge my negative thoughts, I did the exercises in trying new things to meet people and socialise and I read various self help books and tried to put into practice what I had read.
Slowly I made some improvements, but things were still not ideal.
In my first professional job, my supervisor was a bit of a bully, and micromanaged then severely criticised every task I did. The result was that I would be so nervous about her watching me that I would either mess up the simplest of tasks, or do them extremely slowly to try and get things right. Things got worse and worse, and eventually I was basically asked to quit before I got fired. I felt like an utter failure. All the negative things I had believed seemed to be true - that I was too stupid to do even simple jobs, that I was slow, that I was a weirdo and couldn't get along with people, and that question that I had always asked myself - what is the point of me existing?
Being Pakistani and wearing hijab in the UK, it is not easy to hide, to blend in. I have worn hijab since I was about 11 years old but a lot of times, I wanted to stop because I didn't want the negative attention, to be approached by random strangers asking me things, demanding explanations etc. only because I'm so obviously a representative of Islam
After the terrible events of 9/11, there was so much Islamophobia. It was impossible to escape. Walking along the street or on the bus, people would spit, shout at me or have long angry rants. Security staff in shops would tail me, and cashiers etc would often deliberately ignore me. It was terrifying not only from a safety (and hygiene!) point of view, but from a social anxiety point of view, it reinforced my belief that my very existence and presence in front of people was a terrible thing, and that interacting with people was a bad idea. With time though, and constantly forcing myself to socialise and take public transport, things did get a lot better.
I realised that my lack of self esteem and my social anxiety has meant that I haven't pursued a career because I haven't believed that 1) I deserve it and 2) that I'm capable of it. The job that I have done for the last few years has allowed me to help people but also to keep social interaction to a minimum, but it is low paid and there is no opportunity to progress.
The process of finding a life partner was made more difficult because of social anxiety too, because it literally is a scenario where people are judging and scrutinising (especially those auntiejees!). Alhumdulillah I feel incredibly blessed and lucky that I found someone who saw through my social anxiety and is my soulmate
I recently decided that I wanted more, so enrolled on a course which could possibly lead to a career, and has a good self development aspect to it, which has been amazing. I realised that a lot of childhood events had created a fear in me that manifested itself as social anxiety, and knowing where it has come from has helped me address it, and my other issues, like general anxiety and low self esteem. I have realised that I have a right to exist, a right to a voice, and I don't have to accept people treating me badly. I can aim higher than the minimum that is given to me. A lot of the drive for this change has been from my amazing husband. His constant compliments and the way he always speaks to me with kindness and empathy helped me see that the way I talked to myself was the complete opposite, and he encouraged me to try and find something that I love doing, rather than my mentality that I should just accept anything, no matter how low paid or how badly I'm treated.
Alhumdulillah I feel I've turned a corner in addressing my issues, and hope I'll be able to do contribute to helping others with theirs. I feel like having been through the lows of social anxiety and self esteem issues, I have a lot of empathy and a drive to help people, and that's a really positive thing, and something that wouldn't have been the same had I not been through it.
The NHS definition is that: Social anxiety (social phobia) Social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is a long-lasting and overwhelming fear of social situations. It's a common problem that usually starts during the teenage years. For some people it gets better as they get older, although for many it doesn't go away on its own.
Think about what you're most scared of, like spiders? Imagine that clench in your gut, fear-panic-dread feeling that you get when you see the object of your fear. That's how I felt when I had to interact with people, or in some way be more visible in front of people e.g. eating in public or making a phone call when someone else is there. It affected so much of my life, and it's an exhausting and lonely way to live life, as there's a constant drive to find ways of avoiding these situations.
What helped?
I wanted to put this near the beginning, in case you don't want to read the whole post!
Group CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) - essentially 'talking therapy' really helped me. I was referred to a psychologist by my doctor, and subsequently it was decided that this was the best option for me.
Also, forcing myself to be in social situations again and again and trying to remember that in reality, most situations turned out ok even when I thought I had completely 'messed up'
A couple of books that helped were:
Overcoming social anxiety and shyness by Gillian Butler. This is a good self help book based on CBT, with real life examples and some useful exercises (only useful if you do them though!)
Enjoy your life by Dr Muhammed Abd al Rahman al Arifi. This is a collection of incidents from the life of the Prophet (S), stories from the Companions (AS), and anecdotes from the author's own life. The genuineness and positivity of the author really comes through and I found it uplifting both for my confidence and for spirituality alhumdulillah.
How did I find out I had it, and what has my experience of social anxiety been like?
I have always been quite a shy and timid person, but during my teenage years I realised that this was more than just shyness. I had very few friends in school and would try to avoid social situations, even with family (but my family usually persuaded me to interact with them!)
When I first started university I would sit outside on an isolated bench for hours between classes, even on freezing winter days, because I didn't want to have to talk to people, and couldn't bring myself to ask where a canteen was, or how to access the library. I would wait hours so that I could catch a bus that was empty enough to avoid talking to people, and would have panic attacks about having to interact with people, rehearsing and re-rehearsing in my head what I should say, then say the wrong thing once I had to speak as I had got myself into such a state. Making or receiving phone calls was a huge problem. In fact, any sort of interaction with people was a huge issue for me and just made life really difficult. I felt isolated and I felt like a freak. The thing is, it's a vicious cycle. The more I felt uncomfortable, the more people were uncomfortable around me, and this reinforced my negative self image, leading to me being depressed as well as socially anxious. My self esteem was at an all time low.
One time I realised how different I was to the norm was when I was walking with a friend, and told her I had noticed someone I'd met before on another course. While I was frantically trying to find a corner or somewhere hidden to retreat to so this person didn't see me, my friend was looking at me in puzzlement, asking "but don't you want to go and say hi to her?"
If I did have any social interactions, I would analyse them in extreme detail afterwards, and give myself a hard time over each thing I had said and done. I'd feel so stupid and so ashamed that I'd want to avoid the situation even more.
One time during an appointment for something else, my doctor noticed how miserable I was and we had a brief discussion. She gave me the choice of either taking antidepressants or being referred to a psychologist. I chose the latter. After a few sessions, I found out that my main issue was social anxiety and was referred for group therapy - CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) for 10 sessions, which changed things a lot for me. I tried to challenge my negative thoughts, I did the exercises in trying new things to meet people and socialise and I read various self help books and tried to put into practice what I had read.
Slowly I made some improvements, but things were still not ideal.
In my first professional job, my supervisor was a bit of a bully, and micromanaged then severely criticised every task I did. The result was that I would be so nervous about her watching me that I would either mess up the simplest of tasks, or do them extremely slowly to try and get things right. Things got worse and worse, and eventually I was basically asked to quit before I got fired. I felt like an utter failure. All the negative things I had believed seemed to be true - that I was too stupid to do even simple jobs, that I was slow, that I was a weirdo and couldn't get along with people, and that question that I had always asked myself - what is the point of me existing?
Being Pakistani and wearing hijab in the UK, it is not easy to hide, to blend in. I have worn hijab since I was about 11 years old but a lot of times, I wanted to stop because I didn't want the negative attention, to be approached by random strangers asking me things, demanding explanations etc. only because I'm so obviously a representative of Islam
After the terrible events of 9/11, there was so much Islamophobia. It was impossible to escape. Walking along the street or on the bus, people would spit, shout at me or have long angry rants. Security staff in shops would tail me, and cashiers etc would often deliberately ignore me. It was terrifying not only from a safety (and hygiene!) point of view, but from a social anxiety point of view, it reinforced my belief that my very existence and presence in front of people was a terrible thing, and that interacting with people was a bad idea. With time though, and constantly forcing myself to socialise and take public transport, things did get a lot better.
I realised that my lack of self esteem and my social anxiety has meant that I haven't pursued a career because I haven't believed that 1) I deserve it and 2) that I'm capable of it. The job that I have done for the last few years has allowed me to help people but also to keep social interaction to a minimum, but it is low paid and there is no opportunity to progress.
The process of finding a life partner was made more difficult because of social anxiety too, because it literally is a scenario where people are judging and scrutinising (especially those auntiejees!). Alhumdulillah I feel incredibly blessed and lucky that I found someone who saw through my social anxiety and is my soulmate
I recently decided that I wanted more, so enrolled on a course which could possibly lead to a career, and has a good self development aspect to it, which has been amazing. I realised that a lot of childhood events had created a fear in me that manifested itself as social anxiety, and knowing where it has come from has helped me address it, and my other issues, like general anxiety and low self esteem. I have realised that I have a right to exist, a right to a voice, and I don't have to accept people treating me badly. I can aim higher than the minimum that is given to me. A lot of the drive for this change has been from my amazing husband. His constant compliments and the way he always speaks to me with kindness and empathy helped me see that the way I talked to myself was the complete opposite, and he encouraged me to try and find something that I love doing, rather than my mentality that I should just accept anything, no matter how low paid or how badly I'm treated.
Alhumdulillah I feel I've turned a corner in addressing my issues, and hope I'll be able to do contribute to helping others with theirs. I feel like having been through the lows of social anxiety and self esteem issues, I have a lot of empathy and a drive to help people, and that's a really positive thing, and something that wouldn't have been the same had I not been through it.
Friday 14 December 2018
musing on....my journey with PCOS and fertility issues
Salaam!
I know this is a sensitive topic, but something that has become more and more of an issue for me, and a lot of others too I'm sure.
So what is PCOS?
Here's the NHS definition:
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common condition that affects how a woman’s ovaries work.
The three main features of PCOS are:
How did I find out I had it?
From the beginning I'd always had painful, heavy periods that lasted a long time. The pain would be so bad that I'd throw up and often faint. In my late teens and early twenties I started to notice they were super irregular too, plus I was putting weight really fast, had terrible acne and extra hair growth - especially on my face. I eventually went to the doctor, who did some blood tests, referred me for a scan and asked me a few questions, and from there, told me that I had PCOS. She told me taking the contraceptive pill would help with the symptoms and that further down the line I might have issues with fertility.
Over the years, I had various side effects from the different contraceptive pills I tried taking (there are quite a few different types), and I tried various different things to try and control the acne and the excess hair. The only thing that seemed to control it a little was keeping my weight low and keeping active. This wasn't the easiest thing to stick with when I was depressed and had extremely low self esteem though!
After just over a year of marriage, me and my husband decided that we wanted to start a family, so I came off the pill. I knew it would take a while for my body to adjust so I expected all my symptoms to get worse and for it to take a while. After about a year of trying, I went to the doctor for advice. I was then referred to a specialist, who had tests done on both me and my husband, and we found out that he had health issues affecting fertility too. On one hand, this was bad news as it meant that having children naturally was something that might not happen for us, but on the other, I felt a bit better that it wasn't just me that was the issue. Anyway, from the test results, we were told that there was very little chance of us ever having children naturally and that we could be referred for ICSI - a specialised type of IVF as there was no point in trying fertility drugs etc in our case. I remember this was the only fertility appointment that I had gone to alone, and I sat in the car crying for about 10 minutes after hearing this news. I felt like this backed up all the negative beliefs I had about myself - that I didn't measure up to other women - that I was a failure. Alhumdulillah my husband reassured and comforted me (and came to every single appointment with me after that!) and I tried not to believe these thoughts whenever they popped into my head.
One thing that made all of this easier was that right from the start of our marriage, my husband told me that he didn't mind if we had children, or how many, as long as we were together. When we got the news that both of us had fertility issues, he told me to take my time and that however I was feeling, to let myself feel it and that we would take things one step at a time going forward - to try not to worry. Alhumdulillah this was so comforting and I did need to be reminded of this a good few times.
The waiting time for the appointment to start ICSI was about 7 months - it felt like much longer! We were given a multi page information pack and a heap of consent forms to fill in, and both of us had to get quite a few medical tests done. Once all of that was processed, I was given the ok to start treatment. I wasn't too sure what to expect. I didn't want to scare myself out of doing it, so I tried not to read too much about it - that sounds really silly now but it made sense to me at the time! The treatment consisted in taking some pills to control the treatment cycle, then having injections twice a day for about 2 weeks to make my body produce eggs but not get rid of them, a small surgical procedure to retrieve the eggs and then implantation of a fertilised egg. the whole process from start to finish was over in weeks but between the side effects and getting all the blood tests and scans and arranging this with my workplace and my husband's workplace so we could both be there, it was intense. The implantation was a very short procedure but it was the nicest part of the whole process - knowing that there was a little group of cells growing inside me that had a part of me and a part of my husband that could result in a new life was so exciting. There was then a 10 day wait until I could do a pregnancy test to see if it had worked and waiting was so hard. Unfortunately, even though everything had gone really well, something went wrong somewhere or it just wasn't meant to be. the pregnancy test was negative. For two days, my eyes were like a running tap - I couldn't stop crying, and I just felt heartbroken. I allowed myself to feel sad about it instead of blaming myself and having negative thoughts like I normally would, and accepted it for what it was - something unfortunate and sad but something I could deal with. I'm getting ready to try it again soon inshaAllah.
Being in my mid 30s, I do feel slightly panicked that I haven't had any children yet - especially when I see women 10 years or so younger than me with a few children in tow, but I know that it's not something that worrying will help, and really it's not in my control. I have read in some places that for women with PCOS, it becomes more likely to have children in their late 30s. I will keep doing dua and keep trying but if it doesn't happen, it's not meant to be, and me and my husband said from the start that we would like to adopt one day (ideally I wanted to have children biologically first, but again, it's not in my control and God may have different plans for us).
This saying of Ibn Ata'illah always makes me feel better:
"If, in spite of intense supplication, there is a delay in the time of the Gift [al-‘ata], let that not be
the cause for your despairing. For He has guaranteed you a response in what He chooses for
you, not in what you choose for yourself, and at the time He desires, not the time you desire."
Mostly, though, I'm grateful alhumdulillah that I have the opportunity to try the medically assisted route, and that I have a wonderful and loving husband and a lot more besides. I am trying to be grateful for all that I have and make the most of it, to take things as they come and to use the time I have now to do things that I love - take advantage of opportunities. Being in my mid thirties, and having seen a lot of friends and family bring up children, I don't have rose tinted glasses about what motherhood is like - it's an extremely tough thing to go through and I have a lot of respect for parents. From my faith, I understand that whatever is meant for me, I'll get it no matter what, and if it isn't then I won't, but I will always hope and pray.
I pray that God blesses us all with the opportunity to be a source of good in the world, and blesses us in ways that are good for us - ameen :)
I know this is a sensitive topic, but something that has become more and more of an issue for me, and a lot of others too I'm sure.
So what is PCOS?
Here's the NHS definition:
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common condition that affects how a woman’s ovaries work.
The three main features of PCOS are:
- irregular periods – which means your ovaries don't regularly release eggs (ovulation)
- excess androgen – high levels of "male hormones" in your body, which may cause physical signs such as excess facial or body hair (see signs and symptoms below)
- polycystic ovaries – your ovaries become enlarged and contain many fluid-filled sacs (follicles) which surround the eggs (it's important to note that, despite the name, if you have PCOS you don't actually have cysts)
How did I find out I had it?
From the beginning I'd always had painful, heavy periods that lasted a long time. The pain would be so bad that I'd throw up and often faint. In my late teens and early twenties I started to notice they were super irregular too, plus I was putting weight really fast, had terrible acne and extra hair growth - especially on my face. I eventually went to the doctor, who did some blood tests, referred me for a scan and asked me a few questions, and from there, told me that I had PCOS. She told me taking the contraceptive pill would help with the symptoms and that further down the line I might have issues with fertility.
Over the years, I had various side effects from the different contraceptive pills I tried taking (there are quite a few different types), and I tried various different things to try and control the acne and the excess hair. The only thing that seemed to control it a little was keeping my weight low and keeping active. This wasn't the easiest thing to stick with when I was depressed and had extremely low self esteem though!
After just over a year of marriage, me and my husband decided that we wanted to start a family, so I came off the pill. I knew it would take a while for my body to adjust so I expected all my symptoms to get worse and for it to take a while. After about a year of trying, I went to the doctor for advice. I was then referred to a specialist, who had tests done on both me and my husband, and we found out that he had health issues affecting fertility too. On one hand, this was bad news as it meant that having children naturally was something that might not happen for us, but on the other, I felt a bit better that it wasn't just me that was the issue. Anyway, from the test results, we were told that there was very little chance of us ever having children naturally and that we could be referred for ICSI - a specialised type of IVF as there was no point in trying fertility drugs etc in our case. I remember this was the only fertility appointment that I had gone to alone, and I sat in the car crying for about 10 minutes after hearing this news. I felt like this backed up all the negative beliefs I had about myself - that I didn't measure up to other women - that I was a failure. Alhumdulillah my husband reassured and comforted me (and came to every single appointment with me after that!) and I tried not to believe these thoughts whenever they popped into my head.
One thing that made all of this easier was that right from the start of our marriage, my husband told me that he didn't mind if we had children, or how many, as long as we were together. When we got the news that both of us had fertility issues, he told me to take my time and that however I was feeling, to let myself feel it and that we would take things one step at a time going forward - to try not to worry. Alhumdulillah this was so comforting and I did need to be reminded of this a good few times.
The waiting time for the appointment to start ICSI was about 7 months - it felt like much longer! We were given a multi page information pack and a heap of consent forms to fill in, and both of us had to get quite a few medical tests done. Once all of that was processed, I was given the ok to start treatment. I wasn't too sure what to expect. I didn't want to scare myself out of doing it, so I tried not to read too much about it - that sounds really silly now but it made sense to me at the time! The treatment consisted in taking some pills to control the treatment cycle, then having injections twice a day for about 2 weeks to make my body produce eggs but not get rid of them, a small surgical procedure to retrieve the eggs and then implantation of a fertilised egg. the whole process from start to finish was over in weeks but between the side effects and getting all the blood tests and scans and arranging this with my workplace and my husband's workplace so we could both be there, it was intense. The implantation was a very short procedure but it was the nicest part of the whole process - knowing that there was a little group of cells growing inside me that had a part of me and a part of my husband that could result in a new life was so exciting. There was then a 10 day wait until I could do a pregnancy test to see if it had worked and waiting was so hard. Unfortunately, even though everything had gone really well, something went wrong somewhere or it just wasn't meant to be. the pregnancy test was negative. For two days, my eyes were like a running tap - I couldn't stop crying, and I just felt heartbroken. I allowed myself to feel sad about it instead of blaming myself and having negative thoughts like I normally would, and accepted it for what it was - something unfortunate and sad but something I could deal with. I'm getting ready to try it again soon inshaAllah.
Being in my mid 30s, I do feel slightly panicked that I haven't had any children yet - especially when I see women 10 years or so younger than me with a few children in tow, but I know that it's not something that worrying will help, and really it's not in my control. I have read in some places that for women with PCOS, it becomes more likely to have children in their late 30s. I will keep doing dua and keep trying but if it doesn't happen, it's not meant to be, and me and my husband said from the start that we would like to adopt one day (ideally I wanted to have children biologically first, but again, it's not in my control and God may have different plans for us).
This saying of Ibn Ata'illah always makes me feel better:
"If, in spite of intense supplication, there is a delay in the time of the Gift [al-‘ata], let that not be
the cause for your despairing. For He has guaranteed you a response in what He chooses for
you, not in what you choose for yourself, and at the time He desires, not the time you desire."
Mostly, though, I'm grateful alhumdulillah that I have the opportunity to try the medically assisted route, and that I have a wonderful and loving husband and a lot more besides. I am trying to be grateful for all that I have and make the most of it, to take things as they come and to use the time I have now to do things that I love - take advantage of opportunities. Being in my mid thirties, and having seen a lot of friends and family bring up children, I don't have rose tinted glasses about what motherhood is like - it's an extremely tough thing to go through and I have a lot of respect for parents. From my faith, I understand that whatever is meant for me, I'll get it no matter what, and if it isn't then I won't, but I will always hope and pray.
I pray that God blesses us all with the opportunity to be a source of good in the world, and blesses us in ways that are good for us - ameen :)
Tuesday 27 November 2018
musing on....living with in laws
Salaam!
I have no idea if anyone will still read this blog but I thought I'd update it anyway.
So I lived with my in-laws for over a year, and I will say at this point that a lot of that was the worst time in my life. Some people might have an amazing relationship with their in-laws and not have a problem living in a joint family, but for every example I know of, that definitely isn't the case! From people that found out that I was going to be living in a joint family, the advice ranged from 'bite your tongue and things will gradually get easier" to - much more occasionally - "be yourself and only do what you're comfortable with from the start because keeping up the image of being perfect isn't sustainable". What would my advice be? Trust your instincts and yes, don't try to do too much or try to appear perfect. You will most likely have a different upbringing and different ways of doing things from your in laws, so it'll take time to get used to that. One thing I would have done differently was to make it clear that I needed some alone time and space - for myself and for me and my husband as a couple. I realised that at my in-laws, I never felt like it was my home because at the back of my mind, wherever I was in that house, there was a constant probability that someone would intrude and interfere. That's a difficult way to live.
The first thing that annoyed me before I even got married was my husband telling me that his Mother wanted us to stay at the family home after the wedding, not a hotel, because she wanted me to get to know the family (weird time for it!). I knew that if I objected, it would cause an issue, but I was annoyed at the lack of privacy we would have and that the experience of my wedding night wouldn't be what I had imagined it would be.
When I moved into my husband's family home, things seemed great at the beginning. My husband was amazing and attentive, my mother in law (I'll abbreviate to MIL now I think) was so caring and sweet and the rest of the in laws were friendly and easy to live with. Some of the nice things she did were to ask me what my favourite foods were and have them in the house before I came. For the first couple of weeks I lived there, she didn't let me do a jot of housework and would chat to me endlessly when we were together and compliment me on things like my clothes, the way I did things etc.
There were small issues here and there that slightly annoyed me but I thought it was OK. For example, my aunt had got my wedding bouquet made for me and told me she had got Swarovski pins put in so that I could use them as nice scarf pins afterwards. I loved the bouquet too and wanted to dry it out and press some of the flowers and preserve them as a keepsake. One day, I came home and my MIL told me that she had been cleaning up and had thrown the bouquet away, and that she had kept the pins from the bouquet because look how nice they are - and asked if I wanted to keep one or two (there were at least 20!).
I have dark skin, and I've always been made to feel like it was a disease by the Pakistani community. I was given a few tubs of face lightening creams and face masks in the first few weeks by my MIL and told I should use them.
'They'll make your skin really nice - all the girls in Pakistan use them", then I was scolded when every time she came into our room, she would look and see that they were still unused.
Things plodded along and slowly I started to notice that things weren't as great as I had first thought. Whereas at first, my MIL would work with me and help when we were doing housework, she started to become really demanding, but because she would always speak to me in a nice way, I didn't actually notice. I realised afterwards that I was actually being treated like a housemaid. As soon I came into the house after work, there were lists of chores and the dinner had to be made early because they would have dinner at about 4pm. When my MIL went out, she would give me an impossibly long list of things she wanted done before she got home. If I didn't do something she would tell the whole family she had asked me to do it but then had to do it herself, and a long description would follow about how things were hard for her and how she is getting old. If my husband mentioned that someone else could do that chore, she would say that I was the only one that she had told how to do it properly, or make excuses for other people not being able to do it or help.
It was only after I moved out that I realised how the constant criticisms and little snide remarks had affected me. Comments about my weight, comments comparing me unfavourably to my sisters in terms of my looks and personality, criticisms and scolding about not 'taking care' of my husband, about how stressed he looked, that 'poor thing - he's lost weight (he was overweight before and decided he wanted to get healthy), "you could at least iron his clothes" when he would appear in his pyjamas or lounge clothes (my husband is the least vain person I've ever met so he didn't care about things like this, but I would constantly be stressed about how we both looked as I dreaded these comments), snide comments about how 'you don't know because you were brought up differently', comparisons to other daughter in laws and how they were doing so much for their in laws, or how they had so many children even though they were only such and such age, or had only been married for such and such a time, and so much more. It was so wearing and I became increasingly nervous and paranoid.
At the time I was in the 4th year of a fairly intensive Islamic studies course which I had always enjoyed and made time to study for. After about 6 months, I went from getting an average of 80% in my exams to failing most exams and then failing the resits. This really upset me. After one particularly bad one I actually cried. My MIL saw me and asked what was wrong. When I told her, she threw her head back and laughed for a while then asked “is that all?!” And left me to it. Whenever I sat down to study, my MIL would tell me she needed the space I was studying in, or tell me she needed my help with something, or turn on the TV really loud. When I had to go to my class, she would try and make excuses for me not to go that sounded innocuous - oh it’s raining - maybe you shouldn’t be driving in bad weather. Your husband seems tired - you should keep him company. Actually, this happened for any family event, any reason that I had to go out of the house without it being her decision. Every little thing became an issue - I wasn’t allowed to have any of my belongings around the house except for the small bedroom that was mine and my husband’s, for example.
I started to notice that whenever I mentioned I was going to visit my parents, the list of chores would increase, people would be coming to visit or that she 'needed me' for something. On the occasional times when my husband was going to come with me to visit my parents, she would suddenly have a terrible headache, or feel ill or want to talk to my husband, so he wouldn't be able to come with me. This all niggled at me but I made excuses for her, or thought it was all in my head until...
A few months after marriage, a close uncle of mine passed away. My aunt whose husband it was, was now widowed and all of the nieces and nephews were going to her house as often as we could to help her deal with visitors and give her company. One morning, I was getting ready for work and my MIL called me into her room. She told me that it wasn't right that I was going to see my aunt so often, and that week I had been to visit my parents once and they had come over to visit once - that it was too much, and I should think about her, about how she missed me while I was away, and that I should think about my husband and the housework, that it's not right for a married woman to make a habit of seeing her own family - it should be occasional. I left the room shaking with the shock and confusion of what she had just said. Luckily, my husband was nearby and had heard all of this. While I tried to compose myself, he told her that what she had said wasn't right, and that it was my religious right to see my parents.
I remember one time when my parents were on holiday and I had been to their house to feed their pets, I came back and as usual, my MIL commented that I had been away for too long, how much she had had to do because I wasn't there, then added "you were there for so long, why didn't you just stay there", made a sour face and told me some chores to do, now that I was finally back.
Another common occurrence was being asked when I was going to have children; why I didn't have any yet, how so-an-so got pregnant right away after marriage etc. At one point I was being asked variations of this once a day or more. One day while sitting with the family, my MIL started the topic again, but then she started a long spiel about how contraception is wrong, that I shouldn't use it and that I should tell my husband not to. that she had all her children by the time she was in her early 30s and that 'some people' hadn't even started yet. I was bemused and embarrassed. I later found out that she had found 'the pills' in our bedroom and had asked her daughter what they were. They had a discussion about it behind my back, without asking me about it. I later found out my sister in law had told other people too because she thought it was such a hilarious story. I was so annoyed. Firstly, that she had gone through my things and talked about them behind my back, and secondly, that I had been prescribed them to help treat my hormonal condition at the time, but even if I had been using them as a contraceptive, that would be mine and my husband's decision to make.
Things kept escalating. I felt like I was going insane with the lack of space and privacy - there were too many people living in this one small house, I was never able to be alone - important for an introvert like myself, and the number of guilt trips and the controlling behaviour got worse and worse. My mental and physical health deteriorated. I became withdrawn and depressed, and kept getting ill. I had constant headaches and nausea. I was on antibiotics about 5 times in one year. My husband got really worried because a few times I almost got into car accidents - I couldn't focus or think straight. I contemplated suicide, but thankfully my religious beliefs stopped me. My dad kept asking me when he saw me if I was ok - he later told me that he had thought I had a serious illness because I looked terrible (I didn't tell my parents about the stress or drama around the fact that we wnted to move out until months after the fact).
Me and my husband would spend time with the family, help with the housework etc but when we were in our bedroom, we would constantly get interrupted with phone calls and knocks on the door from his family. No matter how much time my husband spent with his family, how much he spent on them or how much he helped, he would be made to feel guilty for not doing enough or being with them enough. I felt a lot of resentment and jealous vibes from his family that my husband would be happy, open and talkative with me, but quiet and serious with his own family. He later told me that this had always been the case as he wasn't ever close to them, but they only seemed to notice after he got married. He got told that in front of family members, he was not allowed to hold my hand, put his arm around me or be 'touchy-feely' at all with me. If he complimented me or did anything nice, there were dirty looks and frowns from his family.
One day I told my husband that I didn't think I could live in a joint family anymore. He was shocked and very upset. He started to say something that I couldn't bear to hear the end of and I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. As soon as that happened my MIL and sister in law appeared, and basically started asking me if I should go to a doctor - could I be pregnant? I felt like I could explode - I didn't know how to process it all. My husband and I decided that we would try and make some changes to make the situation better, but still try to live as a joint family. Things didn't improve. We decided we would tell his family a few weeks later and try and make a plan of action for moving, but one day while I was meeting up with friends and he was alone with his parents, he told them. Apparently he was very upset and told them that he didn't want to move out, but that I did. His mother said she couldn't handle it and left the room in tears. His sister told me several times afterwards that it was the only time she has ever seen her brother cry. That day I came home to an icy atmosphere, which continues to this day, though it was worst in the few months after this. We were told that we weren't allowed to discuss the house move in from of my MIL as it was too upsetting for her.
One of my huband's siblings was going to buy a house on the same street as his parents, but it was decided that my husband would buy it instead, as he was told he wasn't allowed to move any further away. My in-laws told my husband he wasn't allowed to put my name on the mortgage. They told him he was abandoning them, abandoning his ill relative (who lives with my in-laws and who my husband helps a lot with). The whole process put a lot of financial pressure on my husband - the house was in a bad state as an elderly lady - who was a smoker, had been living in it for over 20 years, and we could barely afford it, never mind all the work that needed to be done to it.
My MIL started crying one day because she said she was worried about how the household expenses would all be paid for now that my husband would be moving away. She told him that he needed to put hundreds of pounds into her account every month by direct debit - that she shouldn't have to ask or even know about it. I later found out that my in-laws are doing really well financially, but my husband still has to do put this money in, as well as pay for certain utilities in their house, and give whatever ridiculous amount of money that his mother demands for every sibling that gets married etc. The only reason I can put this down to is my MIL's need for control.
The time between this period and moving out is a blur. I just remember the anxiety and the terrible atmosphere, and being frozen out by my in-laws. I was constantly told that this was a stressful situation for my husband, it was such a shame for him and that I wasn't taking care of him.
My MIL told me that if anyone asked, I was to say that our moving out was her idea. She said that if I ever finished work early or had some spare time, I should be at her house doing chores or asking if I could help her. My sister in law took me aside one day and told me that even after I moved out, my in-laws and their housework was still my responsibility. My sister in law had several 'talks' with my husband about how he had to be at his parents house every day and how he would need to do extra now because they felt abandoned and betrayed.
Once we moved out, we had a lot of phone calls demanding us to come over at various times and for various random reasons. I realised afterwards that one of the things that frustrated me about my MIL was that she would make demands like "come with me" or "I need you for a couple of hours right now" but wouldn't say what it was for. Sometimes it would be for 'a talk' for something that either me or my husband or both of us had done wrong', sometimes it would be for chores etc. I think the dread of not knowing made it worse. My in-laws would come over to our house unannounced, at strange times. I eventually decided to block my MIL from my phone, as number of phone calls was getting out of hand, and the small nasty comments would make me feel paranoid and upset. I asked my husband to ask my in-laws to give us a phone call beforehand if they were going to come over.
Although our house needs a lot of work done to it - the walls and carpets yellowed and old, smelling of cigarette smoke, everything needing to be replaced, which will take years to get to a reasonable standard, and I get spied on by my in-laws because we live a stone's throw away from them (I get a lot of comments from them about who comes and goes - even when we get food deliveries!), the situation is a lot better than when I lived with my in-laws alhumdulillah, and I feel like I have learned to keep boundaries with them. My in-laws have lived on this street for a long time and know most people on it. I often feel like they have poisoned the neighbours against me as I get a lot of dirty looks and can count the number of times when I have had a reply to my hello or salaam from people on the street.
My relationship with my husband is also a lot better and I have noticed that he is a lot more happy and relaxed. In attempting to make our house a decent place to live, I've also learned a lot about DIY.
I really find the mentality of mothers demanding their sons to live with them when it's not necessary annoying and ridiculous, and hope it dies out. I manage to help my parents without living with them. For every couple, both sets of parents matter, but the emphasis is on a man's parents in the Pakistani community - no matter how wealthy and healthy they are.
I know that this is basically just a giant rant, and I know that a lot of people have things much worse, but if you are going through something similar, I hope and pray for you that things get better, and I pray that you are given strength and resilience through it, and your situation eases. Ameen.
Feel free to share your story!
I have no idea if anyone will still read this blog but I thought I'd update it anyway.
So I lived with my in-laws for over a year, and I will say at this point that a lot of that was the worst time in my life. Some people might have an amazing relationship with their in-laws and not have a problem living in a joint family, but for every example I know of, that definitely isn't the case! From people that found out that I was going to be living in a joint family, the advice ranged from 'bite your tongue and things will gradually get easier" to - much more occasionally - "be yourself and only do what you're comfortable with from the start because keeping up the image of being perfect isn't sustainable". What would my advice be? Trust your instincts and yes, don't try to do too much or try to appear perfect. You will most likely have a different upbringing and different ways of doing things from your in laws, so it'll take time to get used to that. One thing I would have done differently was to make it clear that I needed some alone time and space - for myself and for me and my husband as a couple. I realised that at my in-laws, I never felt like it was my home because at the back of my mind, wherever I was in that house, there was a constant probability that someone would intrude and interfere. That's a difficult way to live.
The first thing that annoyed me before I even got married was my husband telling me that his Mother wanted us to stay at the family home after the wedding, not a hotel, because she wanted me to get to know the family (weird time for it!). I knew that if I objected, it would cause an issue, but I was annoyed at the lack of privacy we would have and that the experience of my wedding night wouldn't be what I had imagined it would be.
When I moved into my husband's family home, things seemed great at the beginning. My husband was amazing and attentive, my mother in law (I'll abbreviate to MIL now I think) was so caring and sweet and the rest of the in laws were friendly and easy to live with. Some of the nice things she did were to ask me what my favourite foods were and have them in the house before I came. For the first couple of weeks I lived there, she didn't let me do a jot of housework and would chat to me endlessly when we were together and compliment me on things like my clothes, the way I did things etc.
There were small issues here and there that slightly annoyed me but I thought it was OK. For example, my aunt had got my wedding bouquet made for me and told me she had got Swarovski pins put in so that I could use them as nice scarf pins afterwards. I loved the bouquet too and wanted to dry it out and press some of the flowers and preserve them as a keepsake. One day, I came home and my MIL told me that she had been cleaning up and had thrown the bouquet away, and that she had kept the pins from the bouquet because look how nice they are - and asked if I wanted to keep one or two (there were at least 20!).
I have dark skin, and I've always been made to feel like it was a disease by the Pakistani community. I was given a few tubs of face lightening creams and face masks in the first few weeks by my MIL and told I should use them.
'They'll make your skin really nice - all the girls in Pakistan use them", then I was scolded when every time she came into our room, she would look and see that they were still unused.
Things plodded along and slowly I started to notice that things weren't as great as I had first thought. Whereas at first, my MIL would work with me and help when we were doing housework, she started to become really demanding, but because she would always speak to me in a nice way, I didn't actually notice. I realised afterwards that I was actually being treated like a housemaid. As soon I came into the house after work, there were lists of chores and the dinner had to be made early because they would have dinner at about 4pm. When my MIL went out, she would give me an impossibly long list of things she wanted done before she got home. If I didn't do something she would tell the whole family she had asked me to do it but then had to do it herself, and a long description would follow about how things were hard for her and how she is getting old. If my husband mentioned that someone else could do that chore, she would say that I was the only one that she had told how to do it properly, or make excuses for other people not being able to do it or help.
It was only after I moved out that I realised how the constant criticisms and little snide remarks had affected me. Comments about my weight, comments comparing me unfavourably to my sisters in terms of my looks and personality, criticisms and scolding about not 'taking care' of my husband, about how stressed he looked, that 'poor thing - he's lost weight (he was overweight before and decided he wanted to get healthy), "you could at least iron his clothes" when he would appear in his pyjamas or lounge clothes (my husband is the least vain person I've ever met so he didn't care about things like this, but I would constantly be stressed about how we both looked as I dreaded these comments), snide comments about how 'you don't know because you were brought up differently', comparisons to other daughter in laws and how they were doing so much for their in laws, or how they had so many children even though they were only such and such age, or had only been married for such and such a time, and so much more. It was so wearing and I became increasingly nervous and paranoid.
At the time I was in the 4th year of a fairly intensive Islamic studies course which I had always enjoyed and made time to study for. After about 6 months, I went from getting an average of 80% in my exams to failing most exams and then failing the resits. This really upset me. After one particularly bad one I actually cried. My MIL saw me and asked what was wrong. When I told her, she threw her head back and laughed for a while then asked “is that all?!” And left me to it. Whenever I sat down to study, my MIL would tell me she needed the space I was studying in, or tell me she needed my help with something, or turn on the TV really loud. When I had to go to my class, she would try and make excuses for me not to go that sounded innocuous - oh it’s raining - maybe you shouldn’t be driving in bad weather. Your husband seems tired - you should keep him company. Actually, this happened for any family event, any reason that I had to go out of the house without it being her decision. Every little thing became an issue - I wasn’t allowed to have any of my belongings around the house except for the small bedroom that was mine and my husband’s, for example.
I started to notice that whenever I mentioned I was going to visit my parents, the list of chores would increase, people would be coming to visit or that she 'needed me' for something. On the occasional times when my husband was going to come with me to visit my parents, she would suddenly have a terrible headache, or feel ill or want to talk to my husband, so he wouldn't be able to come with me. This all niggled at me but I made excuses for her, or thought it was all in my head until...
A few months after marriage, a close uncle of mine passed away. My aunt whose husband it was, was now widowed and all of the nieces and nephews were going to her house as often as we could to help her deal with visitors and give her company. One morning, I was getting ready for work and my MIL called me into her room. She told me that it wasn't right that I was going to see my aunt so often, and that week I had been to visit my parents once and they had come over to visit once - that it was too much, and I should think about her, about how she missed me while I was away, and that I should think about my husband and the housework, that it's not right for a married woman to make a habit of seeing her own family - it should be occasional. I left the room shaking with the shock and confusion of what she had just said. Luckily, my husband was nearby and had heard all of this. While I tried to compose myself, he told her that what she had said wasn't right, and that it was my religious right to see my parents.
I remember one time when my parents were on holiday and I had been to their house to feed their pets, I came back and as usual, my MIL commented that I had been away for too long, how much she had had to do because I wasn't there, then added "you were there for so long, why didn't you just stay there", made a sour face and told me some chores to do, now that I was finally back.
Another common occurrence was being asked when I was going to have children; why I didn't have any yet, how so-an-so got pregnant right away after marriage etc. At one point I was being asked variations of this once a day or more. One day while sitting with the family, my MIL started the topic again, but then she started a long spiel about how contraception is wrong, that I shouldn't use it and that I should tell my husband not to. that she had all her children by the time she was in her early 30s and that 'some people' hadn't even started yet. I was bemused and embarrassed. I later found out that she had found 'the pills' in our bedroom and had asked her daughter what they were. They had a discussion about it behind my back, without asking me about it. I later found out my sister in law had told other people too because she thought it was such a hilarious story. I was so annoyed. Firstly, that she had gone through my things and talked about them behind my back, and secondly, that I had been prescribed them to help treat my hormonal condition at the time, but even if I had been using them as a contraceptive, that would be mine and my husband's decision to make.
Things kept escalating. I felt like I was going insane with the lack of space and privacy - there were too many people living in this one small house, I was never able to be alone - important for an introvert like myself, and the number of guilt trips and the controlling behaviour got worse and worse. My mental and physical health deteriorated. I became withdrawn and depressed, and kept getting ill. I had constant headaches and nausea. I was on antibiotics about 5 times in one year. My husband got really worried because a few times I almost got into car accidents - I couldn't focus or think straight. I contemplated suicide, but thankfully my religious beliefs stopped me. My dad kept asking me when he saw me if I was ok - he later told me that he had thought I had a serious illness because I looked terrible (I didn't tell my parents about the stress or drama around the fact that we wnted to move out until months after the fact).
Me and my husband would spend time with the family, help with the housework etc but when we were in our bedroom, we would constantly get interrupted with phone calls and knocks on the door from his family. No matter how much time my husband spent with his family, how much he spent on them or how much he helped, he would be made to feel guilty for not doing enough or being with them enough. I felt a lot of resentment and jealous vibes from his family that my husband would be happy, open and talkative with me, but quiet and serious with his own family. He later told me that this had always been the case as he wasn't ever close to them, but they only seemed to notice after he got married. He got told that in front of family members, he was not allowed to hold my hand, put his arm around me or be 'touchy-feely' at all with me. If he complimented me or did anything nice, there were dirty looks and frowns from his family.
One day I told my husband that I didn't think I could live in a joint family anymore. He was shocked and very upset. He started to say something that I couldn't bear to hear the end of and I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. As soon as that happened my MIL and sister in law appeared, and basically started asking me if I should go to a doctor - could I be pregnant? I felt like I could explode - I didn't know how to process it all. My husband and I decided that we would try and make some changes to make the situation better, but still try to live as a joint family. Things didn't improve. We decided we would tell his family a few weeks later and try and make a plan of action for moving, but one day while I was meeting up with friends and he was alone with his parents, he told them. Apparently he was very upset and told them that he didn't want to move out, but that I did. His mother said she couldn't handle it and left the room in tears. His sister told me several times afterwards that it was the only time she has ever seen her brother cry. That day I came home to an icy atmosphere, which continues to this day, though it was worst in the few months after this. We were told that we weren't allowed to discuss the house move in from of my MIL as it was too upsetting for her.
One of my huband's siblings was going to buy a house on the same street as his parents, but it was decided that my husband would buy it instead, as he was told he wasn't allowed to move any further away. My in-laws told my husband he wasn't allowed to put my name on the mortgage. They told him he was abandoning them, abandoning his ill relative (who lives with my in-laws and who my husband helps a lot with). The whole process put a lot of financial pressure on my husband - the house was in a bad state as an elderly lady - who was a smoker, had been living in it for over 20 years, and we could barely afford it, never mind all the work that needed to be done to it.
My MIL started crying one day because she said she was worried about how the household expenses would all be paid for now that my husband would be moving away. She told him that he needed to put hundreds of pounds into her account every month by direct debit - that she shouldn't have to ask or even know about it. I later found out that my in-laws are doing really well financially, but my husband still has to do put this money in, as well as pay for certain utilities in their house, and give whatever ridiculous amount of money that his mother demands for every sibling that gets married etc. The only reason I can put this down to is my MIL's need for control.
The time between this period and moving out is a blur. I just remember the anxiety and the terrible atmosphere, and being frozen out by my in-laws. I was constantly told that this was a stressful situation for my husband, it was such a shame for him and that I wasn't taking care of him.
My MIL told me that if anyone asked, I was to say that our moving out was her idea. She said that if I ever finished work early or had some spare time, I should be at her house doing chores or asking if I could help her. My sister in law took me aside one day and told me that even after I moved out, my in-laws and their housework was still my responsibility. My sister in law had several 'talks' with my husband about how he had to be at his parents house every day and how he would need to do extra now because they felt abandoned and betrayed.
Once we moved out, we had a lot of phone calls demanding us to come over at various times and for various random reasons. I realised afterwards that one of the things that frustrated me about my MIL was that she would make demands like "come with me" or "I need you for a couple of hours right now" but wouldn't say what it was for. Sometimes it would be for 'a talk' for something that either me or my husband or both of us had done wrong', sometimes it would be for chores etc. I think the dread of not knowing made it worse. My in-laws would come over to our house unannounced, at strange times. I eventually decided to block my MIL from my phone, as number of phone calls was getting out of hand, and the small nasty comments would make me feel paranoid and upset. I asked my husband to ask my in-laws to give us a phone call beforehand if they were going to come over.
Although our house needs a lot of work done to it - the walls and carpets yellowed and old, smelling of cigarette smoke, everything needing to be replaced, which will take years to get to a reasonable standard, and I get spied on by my in-laws because we live a stone's throw away from them (I get a lot of comments from them about who comes and goes - even when we get food deliveries!), the situation is a lot better than when I lived with my in-laws alhumdulillah, and I feel like I have learned to keep boundaries with them. My in-laws have lived on this street for a long time and know most people on it. I often feel like they have poisoned the neighbours against me as I get a lot of dirty looks and can count the number of times when I have had a reply to my hello or salaam from people on the street.
My relationship with my husband is also a lot better and I have noticed that he is a lot more happy and relaxed. In attempting to make our house a decent place to live, I've also learned a lot about DIY.
I really find the mentality of mothers demanding their sons to live with them when it's not necessary annoying and ridiculous, and hope it dies out. I manage to help my parents without living with them. For every couple, both sets of parents matter, but the emphasis is on a man's parents in the Pakistani community - no matter how wealthy and healthy they are.
I know that this is basically just a giant rant, and I know that a lot of people have things much worse, but if you are going through something similar, I hope and pray for you that things get better, and I pray that you are given strength and resilience through it, and your situation eases. Ameen.
Feel free to share your story!
Wednesday 26 August 2015
Musing on....the first 3 months of marriage
Salaam everyone,
I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted. I have been reading other people's blogs but somehow haven't found time to update my own.
Ahumdulillah my wedding and walima ran smoothly and there were no family arguments etc; if anything - all the preparation and planning brought me closer to my family. The only thing I continued finding difficult was being the centre of attention (though I secretly enjoyed it a bit). There were very minor things that didn't happen that I wanted to happen, and things that happened that I didn't want to happen - but I took the advice that soooo many married people gave me to overlook minor details, enjoy myself and appreciate what everyone was doing for me (I barely had to do or worry about anything thanks to my family and friends - they were absolute superstars and I don't think I can thank Allah SWT enough for them)
I was worried about being in my new home with my new family while my husband is at work during the day considering that I won't start back until the end of September, but it's given me time to settle in, get to know everyone and work on a few projects that I wasn't getting time for before the wedding. After 3 months of marriage, I'm still in the process of transferring stuff from my old house - I didn't realise how much one person could keep in one room :/.
I think I'm in a minority of people who will say that my mother in law is amazing and I hope to become more like her inshaAllah. So far she has treated me better than her own children, and really done everything she could to help me feel comfortable. The same goes for my father in law alhumdulillah.
Alhumdulillah my husband is a really loving, appreciative and affectionate person and I feel really lucky and blessed to have him as my life partner.
There are definitely things that I initially found really difficult - like constantly being presentable (no more hairy leg or greasy hair days 'because nobody's going to see so who cares?!'). Living in a house with people you don't know, where things happen differently from what you're used to is definitely hard and lonely at the beginning, as well as missing those little daily moments and exchanges that I used to have with my sisters and parents. Nobody told me that if you're a shy person and have always kept yourself at a distance from men, being physically and emotionally close with a man who you don't know that well might be difficult and awkward! But alhumdulillah with time (and an understanding husband), these are things that can be overcome.
I can't believe how much I worried about getting married and how things have worked out. I definitely think that being older and having gone through the frustration, depression and ridiculousness of the rishta process, as well as observing what other married people went through has helped me as a person and in my marriage. Obviously, duas and patience helped too. I know there will be challenges and difficult times, but I'm just going to enjoy being on cloud 9 at the moment :)
I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted. I have been reading other people's blogs but somehow haven't found time to update my own.
Ahumdulillah my wedding and walima ran smoothly and there were no family arguments etc; if anything - all the preparation and planning brought me closer to my family. The only thing I continued finding difficult was being the centre of attention (though I secretly enjoyed it a bit). There were very minor things that didn't happen that I wanted to happen, and things that happened that I didn't want to happen - but I took the advice that soooo many married people gave me to overlook minor details, enjoy myself and appreciate what everyone was doing for me (I barely had to do or worry about anything thanks to my family and friends - they were absolute superstars and I don't think I can thank Allah SWT enough for them)
I was worried about being in my new home with my new family while my husband is at work during the day considering that I won't start back until the end of September, but it's given me time to settle in, get to know everyone and work on a few projects that I wasn't getting time for before the wedding. After 3 months of marriage, I'm still in the process of transferring stuff from my old house - I didn't realise how much one person could keep in one room :/.
I think I'm in a minority of people who will say that my mother in law is amazing and I hope to become more like her inshaAllah. So far she has treated me better than her own children, and really done everything she could to help me feel comfortable. The same goes for my father in law alhumdulillah.
Alhumdulillah my husband is a really loving, appreciative and affectionate person and I feel really lucky and blessed to have him as my life partner.
There are definitely things that I initially found really difficult - like constantly being presentable (no more hairy leg or greasy hair days 'because nobody's going to see so who cares?!'). Living in a house with people you don't know, where things happen differently from what you're used to is definitely hard and lonely at the beginning, as well as missing those little daily moments and exchanges that I used to have with my sisters and parents. Nobody told me that if you're a shy person and have always kept yourself at a distance from men, being physically and emotionally close with a man who you don't know that well might be difficult and awkward! But alhumdulillah with time (and an understanding husband), these are things that can be overcome.
I can't believe how much I worried about getting married and how things have worked out. I definitely think that being older and having gone through the frustration, depression and ridiculousness of the rishta process, as well as observing what other married people went through has helped me as a person and in my marriage. Obviously, duas and patience helped too. I know there will be challenges and difficult times, but I'm just going to enjoy being on cloud 9 at the moment :)
Wednesday 10 December 2014
Alhumdulillah - it's happening!
Salaam,
so the last time I posted, I mentioned a rishta meeting. Well - a couple more meetings and a good few emails later, I decided that this was it - I had met the man I wanted to marry. Things have been so surreal, but alhumdulillah, I'm really happy.
InshaAllah the wedding will be in summer 2015.
A couple of things I didn't expect that would happen with me with regards to marriage:
1. the man in question is a year younger than me (I thought I would marry someone much older than me)
2. I'm going to be living with his family - I had always said I wouldn't want to, but his reasoning for it is sound, and his family are lovely mashaAllah. After I did istikhara, it just didn't seem much of an issue. I definitely think it will be challenging at times, but inshaAllah it will be fine.
Because I was resigned to the probability of being single for life, I had never thought about how I would want my wedding or my marriage to be, so things have been quite overwhelming. I had also never considered how difficult I would find being the centre of attention, given that I'm painfully shy!
Please remember me in your duas, and if you have any wedding/marriage advice, I'd love to know!
so the last time I posted, I mentioned a rishta meeting. Well - a couple more meetings and a good few emails later, I decided that this was it - I had met the man I wanted to marry. Things have been so surreal, but alhumdulillah, I'm really happy.
InshaAllah the wedding will be in summer 2015.
A couple of things I didn't expect that would happen with me with regards to marriage:
1. the man in question is a year younger than me (I thought I would marry someone much older than me)
2. I'm going to be living with his family - I had always said I wouldn't want to, but his reasoning for it is sound, and his family are lovely mashaAllah. After I did istikhara, it just didn't seem much of an issue. I definitely think it will be challenging at times, but inshaAllah it will be fine.
Because I was resigned to the probability of being single for life, I had never thought about how I would want my wedding or my marriage to be, so things have been quite overwhelming. I had also never considered how difficult I would find being the centre of attention, given that I'm painfully shy!
Please remember me in your duas, and if you have any wedding/marriage advice, I'd love to know!
Thursday 16 October 2014
Rishta happenings
Salaam,
So life has been busy since Ramadan. One thing I'm really grateful for is that I managed to go to taraweeh every night in Ramadan - it was great alhumdulillah. Every couple of nights, I would say salaam to whoever was sitting beside me. There was one lady who would often sit beside me and make conversation, which, towards the end of Ramadan, started becoming increasingly rishta-style - eventually she started telling me about her son. This all sounded promising (an auntie who actually likes me for me!) but then one day she mentioned her son's name and my heart sank. A couple of years ago, my uncle had suggested this guy for me, but when he broached the suggestion to the guy and his dad, they refused to consider me as a prospective as my parents are not of a high enough educational background apparently (they both have degrees and jobs, but they wanted them to be 'professionals'). So either the auntie had different views from her husband or son, or had changed them. Anyway, nothing came of it.
I was also in contact with someone on a Muslim matrimonial site who someone had recommended I contact. He was a paediatrician, divorced and bitter sounding, and seemed to have a long list of exacting standards of how people should conduct themselves. However, nothing came of this either. (I think it was after he told me how his family were all major academics and medics, and I told him my family were a mixture, he stopped replying - rude!). I don't understand how people can be so snobbish about someone who they haven't had a proper conversation with, never mind met.
Anyway, a while ago my cousin told me her friend had suggested that I would be a good match for her brother. I didn't hear any more about it until recently. The family came over to visit and the guy and his family seemed nice. There have been a few emails back and forth between me and the guy and another meeting of the families has been planned. I'm going to keep doing dua that God gives me the ability to make good decisions and judgements, stay relaxed and see how it goes. There are a couple of things about him and his family that are unique - things I hadn't considered before, that I need to find out more about, but I'm happy that someone who seems nice hasn't immediately dismissed me as a prospect for shallow reasons - and that the guy's mum treated me with warmth and respect Alhamdulillah - even if this goes nowhere, I'm glad that there are people like that out there.
So life has been busy since Ramadan. One thing I'm really grateful for is that I managed to go to taraweeh every night in Ramadan - it was great alhumdulillah. Every couple of nights, I would say salaam to whoever was sitting beside me. There was one lady who would often sit beside me and make conversation, which, towards the end of Ramadan, started becoming increasingly rishta-style - eventually she started telling me about her son. This all sounded promising (an auntie who actually likes me for me!) but then one day she mentioned her son's name and my heart sank. A couple of years ago, my uncle had suggested this guy for me, but when he broached the suggestion to the guy and his dad, they refused to consider me as a prospective as my parents are not of a high enough educational background apparently (they both have degrees and jobs, but they wanted them to be 'professionals'). So either the auntie had different views from her husband or son, or had changed them. Anyway, nothing came of it.
I was also in contact with someone on a Muslim matrimonial site who someone had recommended I contact. He was a paediatrician, divorced and bitter sounding, and seemed to have a long list of exacting standards of how people should conduct themselves. However, nothing came of this either. (I think it was after he told me how his family were all major academics and medics, and I told him my family were a mixture, he stopped replying - rude!). I don't understand how people can be so snobbish about someone who they haven't had a proper conversation with, never mind met.
Anyway, a while ago my cousin told me her friend had suggested that I would be a good match for her brother. I didn't hear any more about it until recently. The family came over to visit and the guy and his family seemed nice. There have been a few emails back and forth between me and the guy and another meeting of the families has been planned. I'm going to keep doing dua that God gives me the ability to make good decisions and judgements, stay relaxed and see how it goes. There are a couple of things about him and his family that are unique - things I hadn't considered before, that I need to find out more about, but I'm happy that someone who seems nice hasn't immediately dismissed me as a prospect for shallow reasons - and that the guy's mum treated me with warmth and respect Alhamdulillah - even if this goes nowhere, I'm glad that there are people like that out there.
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