musing on....living with in laws

Salaam!

I have no idea if anyone will still read this blog but I thought I'd update it anyway.

So I lived with my in-laws for over a year, and I will say at this point that a lot of that was the worst time in my life. Some people might have an amazing relationship with their in-laws and not have a problem living in a joint family, but for every example I know of, that definitely isn't the case! From people that found out that I was going to be living in a joint family, the advice ranged from 'bite your tongue and things will gradually get easier" to - much more occasionally - "be yourself and only do what you're comfortable with from the start because keeping up the image of being perfect isn't sustainable". What would my advice be? Trust your instincts and yes, don't try to do too much or try to appear perfect. You will most likely have a different upbringing and different ways of doing things from your in laws, so it'll take time to get used to that. One thing I would have done differently was to make it clear that I needed some alone time and space - for myself and for me and my husband as a couple. I realised that at my in-laws, I never felt like it was my home because at the back of my mind, wherever I was in that house, there was a constant probability that someone would intrude and interfere. That's a difficult way to live.

The first thing that annoyed me before I even got married was my husband telling me that his Mother wanted us to stay at the family home after the wedding, not a hotel, because she wanted me to get to know the family (weird time for it!). I knew that if I objected, it would cause an issue, but I was annoyed at the lack of privacy we would have and that the experience of my wedding night wouldn't be what I had imagined it would be.

When I moved into my husband's family home, things seemed great at the beginning. My husband was amazing and attentive, my mother in law (I'll abbreviate to MIL now I think) was so caring and sweet and the rest of the in laws were friendly and easy to live with. Some of the nice things she did were to ask me what my favourite foods were and have them in the house before I came. For the first couple of weeks I lived there, she didn't let me do a jot of housework and would chat to me endlessly when we were together and compliment me on things like my clothes, the way I did things etc.

There were small issues here and there that slightly annoyed me but I thought it was OK. For example, my aunt had got my wedding bouquet made for me and told me she had got Swarovski pins put in so that I could use them as nice scarf pins afterwards. I loved the bouquet too and wanted to dry it out and press some of the flowers and preserve them as a keepsake. One day, I came home and my MIL told me that she had been cleaning up and had thrown the bouquet away, and that she had kept the pins from the bouquet because look how nice they are - and asked if I wanted to keep one or two (there were at least 20!).

I have dark skin, and I've always been made to feel like it was a disease by the Pakistani community. I was given a few tubs of face lightening creams and face masks in the first few weeks by my MIL and told I should use them.

'They'll make your skin really nice - all the girls in Pakistan use them", then I was scolded when every time she came into our room, she would look and see that they were still unused.

Things plodded along and slowly I started to notice that things weren't as great as I had first thought. Whereas at first, my MIL would work with me and help when we were doing housework, she started to become really demanding, but because she would always speak to me in a nice way, I didn't actually notice. I realised afterwards that I was actually being treated like a housemaid. As soon I came into the house after work, there were lists of chores and the dinner had to be made early because they would have dinner at about 4pm. When my MIL went out, she would give me an impossibly long list of things she wanted done before she got home. If I didn't do something she would tell the whole family she had asked me to do it but then had to do it herself, and a long description would follow about how things were hard for her and how she is getting old. If my husband mentioned that someone else could do that chore, she would say that I was the only one that she had told how to do it properly, or make excuses for other people not being able to do it or help.

It was only after I moved out that I realised how the constant criticisms and little snide remarks had affected me. Comments about my weight, comments comparing me unfavourably to my sisters in terms of my looks and personality, criticisms and scolding about not 'taking care' of my husband, about how stressed he looked, that 'poor thing - he's lost weight (he was overweight before and decided he wanted to get healthy), "you could at least iron his clothes" when he would appear in his pyjamas or lounge clothes (my husband is the least vain person I've ever met so he didn't care about things like this, but I would constantly be stressed about how we both looked as I dreaded these comments), snide comments about how 'you don't know because you were brought up differently', comparisons to other daughter in laws and how they were doing so much for their in laws, or how they had so many children even though they were only such and such age, or had only been married for such and such a time, and so much more. It was so wearing and I became increasingly nervous and paranoid.

At the time I was in the 4th year of a fairly intensive Islamic studies course which I had always enjoyed and made time to study for. After about 6 months, I went from getting an average of 80% in my exams to failing most exams and then failing the resits. This really upset me. After one particularly bad one I actually cried. My MIL saw me and asked what was wrong. When I told her, she threw her head back and laughed for a while then asked “is that all?!” And left me to it. Whenever I sat down to study, my MIL would tell me she needed the space I was studying in, or tell me she needed my help with something, or turn on the TV really loud. When I had to go to my class, she would try and make excuses for me not to go that sounded innocuous - oh it’s raining - maybe you shouldn’t be driving in bad weather. Your husband seems tired - you should keep him company. Actually, this happened for any family event, any reason that I had to go out of the house without it being her decision. Every little thing became an issue - I wasn’t allowed to have any of my belongings around the house except for the small bedroom that was mine and my husband’s, for example.

I started to notice that whenever I mentioned I was going to visit my parents, the list of chores would increase, people would be coming to visit or that she 'needed me' for something. On the occasional times when my husband was going to come with me to visit my parents, she would suddenly have a terrible headache, or feel ill or want to talk to my husband, so he wouldn't be able to come with me. This all niggled at me but I made excuses for her, or thought it was all in my head until...

A few months after marriage, a close uncle of mine passed away. My aunt whose husband it was, was now widowed and all of the nieces and nephews were going to her house as often as we could to help her deal with visitors and give her company. One morning, I was getting ready for work and my MIL called me into her room. She told me that it wasn't right that I was going to see my aunt so often, and that week I had been to visit my parents once and they had come over to visit once - that it was too much, and I should think about her, about how she missed me while I was away, and that I should think about my husband and the housework, that it's not right for a married woman to make a habit of seeing her own family - it should be occasional. I left the room shaking with the shock and confusion of what she had just said. Luckily, my husband was nearby and had heard all of this. While I tried to compose myself, he told her that what she had said wasn't right, and that it was my religious right to see my parents.

I remember one time when my parents were on holiday and I had been to their house to feed their pets, I came back and as usual, my MIL commented that I had been away for too long, how much she had had to do because I wasn't there, then added "you were there for so long, why didn't you just stay there", made a sour face and told me some chores to do, now that I was finally back.

Another common occurrence was being asked when I was going to have children; why I didn't have any yet, how so-an-so got pregnant right away after marriage etc. At one point I was being asked variations of this once a day or more. One day while sitting with the family, my MIL started the topic again, but then she started a long spiel about how contraception is wrong, that I shouldn't use it and that I should tell my husband not to. that she had all her children by the time she was in her early 30s and that 'some people' hadn't even started yet. I was bemused and embarrassed. I later found out that she had found 'the pills' in our bedroom and had asked her daughter what they were. They had a discussion about it behind my back, without asking me about it. I later found out my sister in law had told other people too because she thought it was such a hilarious story. I was so annoyed. Firstly, that she had gone through my things and talked about them behind my back, and secondly, that I had been prescribed them to help treat my hormonal condition at the time, but even if I had been using them as a contraceptive, that would be mine and my husband's decision to make.

Things kept escalating. I felt like I was going insane with the lack of space and privacy - there were too many people living in this one small house, I was never able to be alone - important for an introvert like myself, and the number of guilt trips and the controlling behaviour got worse and worse. My mental and physical health deteriorated. I became withdrawn and depressed, and kept getting ill. I had constant headaches and nausea. I was on antibiotics about 5 times in one year. My husband got really worried because a few times I almost got into car accidents - I couldn't focus or think straight. I contemplated suicide, but thankfully my religious beliefs stopped me. My dad kept asking me when he saw me if I was ok - he later told me that he had thought I had a serious illness because I looked terrible (I didn't tell my parents about the stress or drama around the fact that we wnted to move out until months after the fact).

Me and my husband would spend time with the family, help with the housework etc but when we were in our bedroom, we would constantly get interrupted with phone calls and knocks on the door from his family. No matter how much time my husband spent with his family, how much he spent on them or how much he helped, he would be made to feel guilty for not doing enough or being with them enough. I felt a lot of resentment and jealous vibes from his family that my husband would be happy, open and talkative with me, but quiet and serious with his own family. He later told me that this had always been the case as he wasn't ever close to them, but they only seemed to notice after he got married. He got told that in front of family members, he was not allowed to hold my hand, put his arm around me or be 'touchy-feely' at all with me. If he complimented me or did anything nice, there were dirty looks and frowns from his family.

One day I told my husband that I didn't think I could live in a joint family anymore. He was shocked and very upset. He started to say something that I couldn't bear to hear the end of and I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. As soon as that happened my MIL and sister in law appeared, and basically started asking me if I should go to a doctor - could I be pregnant? I felt like I could explode - I didn't know how to process it all. My husband and I decided that we would try and make some changes to make the situation better, but still try to live as a joint family. Things didn't improve. We decided we would tell his family a few weeks later and try and make a plan of action for moving, but one day while I was meeting up with friends and he was alone with his parents, he told them. Apparently he was very upset and told them that he didn't want to move out, but that I did. His mother said she couldn't handle it and left the room in tears. His sister told me several times afterwards that it was the only time she has ever seen her brother cry. That day I came home to an icy atmosphere, which continues to this day, though it was worst in the few months after this. We were told that we weren't allowed to discuss the house move in from of my MIL as it was too upsetting for her.

One of my huband's siblings was going to buy a house on the same street as his parents, but it was decided that my husband would buy it instead, as he was told he wasn't allowed to move any further away. My in-laws told my husband he wasn't allowed to put my name on the mortgage. They told him he was abandoning them, abandoning his ill relative (who lives with my in-laws and who my husband helps a lot with). The whole process put a lot of financial pressure on my husband - the house was in a bad state as an elderly lady - who was a smoker, had been living in it for over 20 years, and we could barely afford it, never mind all the work that needed to be done to it.

My MIL started crying one day because she said she was worried about how the household expenses would all be paid for now that my husband would be moving away. She told him that he needed to put hundreds of pounds into her account every month by direct debit - that she shouldn't have to ask or even know about it. I later found out that my in-laws are doing really well financially, but my husband still has to do put this money in, as well as pay for certain utilities in their house, and give whatever ridiculous amount of money that his mother demands for every sibling that gets married etc. The only reason I can put this down to is my MIL's need for control.

The time between this period and moving out is a blur. I just remember the anxiety and the terrible atmosphere, and being frozen out by my in-laws. I was constantly told that this was a stressful situation for my husband, it was such a shame for him and that I wasn't taking care of him.

My MIL told me that if anyone asked, I was to say that our moving out was her idea. She said that if I ever finished work early or had some spare time, I should be at her house doing chores or asking if I could help her. My sister in law took me aside one day and told me that even after I moved out, my in-laws and their housework was still my responsibility. My sister in law had several 'talks' with my husband about how he had to be at his parents house every day and how he would need to do extra now because they felt abandoned and betrayed.

Once we moved out, we had a lot of phone calls demanding us to come over at various times and for various random reasons. I realised afterwards that one of the things that frustrated me about my MIL was that she would make demands like "come with me" or "I need you for a couple of hours right now" but wouldn't say what it was for. Sometimes it would be for 'a talk' for something that either me or my husband or both of us had done wrong', sometimes it would be for chores etc. I think the dread of not knowing made it worse. My in-laws would come over to our house unannounced, at strange times. I eventually decided to block my MIL from my phone, as number of phone calls was getting out of hand, and the small nasty comments would make me feel paranoid and upset. I asked my husband to ask my in-laws to give us a phone call beforehand if they were going to come over.

Although our house needs a lot of work done to it - the walls and carpets yellowed and old, smelling of cigarette smoke, everything needing to be replaced, which will take years to get to a reasonable standard, and I get spied on by my in-laws because we live a stone's throw away from them (I get a lot of comments from them about who comes and goes - even when we get food deliveries!), the situation is a lot better than when I lived with my in-laws alhumdulillah, and I feel like I have learned to keep boundaries with them. My in-laws have lived on this street for a long time and know most people on it. I often feel like they have poisoned the neighbours against me as I get a lot of dirty looks and can count the number of times when I have had a reply to my hello or salaam from people on the street.

My relationship with my husband is also a lot better and I have noticed that he is a lot more happy and relaxed. In attempting to make our house a decent place to live, I've also learned a lot about DIY.

I really find the mentality of mothers demanding their sons to live with them when it's not necessary annoying and ridiculous, and hope it dies out. I manage to help my parents without living with them. For every couple, both sets of parents matter, but the emphasis is on a man's parents in the Pakistani community - no matter how wealthy and healthy they are.

I know that this is basically just a giant rant, and I know that a lot of people have things much worse, but if you are going through something similar, I hope and pray for you that things get better, and I pray that you are given strength and resilience through it, and your situation eases. Ameen.

Feel free to share your story!

Musing on....the first 3 months of marriage

Salaam everyone,

I can't believe how long it's been since I last posted. I have been reading other people's blogs but somehow haven't found time to update my own.

Ahumdulillah my wedding and walima ran smoothly and there were no family arguments etc; if anything - all the preparation and planning brought me closer to my family. The only thing I continued finding difficult was being the centre of attention (though I secretly enjoyed it a bit). There were very minor things that didn't happen that I wanted to happen, and things that happened that I didn't want to happen - but I took the advice that soooo many married people gave me to overlook minor details, enjoy myself and appreciate what everyone was doing for me (I barely had to do or worry about anything thanks to my family and friends - they were absolute superstars and I don't think I can thank Allah SWT enough for them)

I was worried about being in my new home with my new family while my husband is at work during the day considering that I won't start back until the end of September, but it's given me time to settle in, get to know everyone and work on a few projects that I wasn't getting time for before the wedding. After 3 months of marriage, I'm still in the process of transferring stuff from my old house - I didn't realise how much one person could keep in one room :/.

I think I'm in a minority of people who will say that my mother in law is amazing and I hope to become more like her inshaAllah. So far she has treated me better than her own children, and really done everything she could to help me feel comfortable. The same goes for my father in law alhumdulillah.

Alhumdulillah my husband is a really loving, appreciative and affectionate person and I feel really lucky and blessed to have him as my life partner.

There are definitely things that I initially found really difficult - like constantly being presentable  (no more hairy leg or greasy hair days 'because nobody's going to see so who cares?!'). Living in a house with people you don't know, where things happen differently from what you're used to is definitely hard and lonely at the beginning, as well as missing those little daily moments and exchanges that I used to have with my sisters and parents. Nobody told me that if you're a shy person and have always kept yourself at a distance from men, being physically and emotionally close with a man who you don't know that well might be difficult and awkward! But alhumdulillah with time (and an understanding husband), these are things that can be overcome.

I can't believe how much I worried about getting married and how things have worked out. I definitely think that being older and having gone through the frustration, depression and ridiculousness of the rishta process, as well as observing what other married people went through has helped me as a person and in my marriage. Obviously, duas and patience helped too. I know there will be challenges and difficult times, but I'm just going to enjoy being on cloud 9 at the moment :)

Alhumdulillah - it's happening!

Salaam,

so the last time I posted, I mentioned a rishta meeting. Well - a couple more meetings and a good few emails later, I decided that this was it - I had met the man I wanted to marry. Things have been so surreal, but alhumdulillah, I'm really happy.

InshaAllah the wedding will be in summer 2015.

A couple of things I didn't expect that would happen with me with regards to marriage:
1. the man in question is a year younger than me (I thought I would marry someone much older than me)
2. I'm going to be living with his family - I had always said I wouldn't want to, but his reasoning for it is sound, and his family are lovely mashaAllah. After I did istikhara, it just didn't seem much of an issue. I definitely think it will be challenging at times, but inshaAllah it will be fine.

Because I was resigned to the probability of being single for life, I had never thought about how I would want my wedding or my marriage to be, so things have been quite overwhelming. I had also never considered how difficult I would find being the centre of attention, given that I'm painfully shy!

Please remember me in your duas, and if you have any wedding/marriage advice, I'd love to know!

Rishta happenings

Salaam,

So life has been busy since Ramadan. One thing I'm really grateful for is that I managed to go to taraweeh every night in Ramadan - it was great alhumdulillah. Every couple of nights, I would say salaam to whoever was sitting beside me. There was one lady who would often sit beside me and make conversation, which, towards the end of Ramadan, started becoming increasingly rishta-style - eventually she started telling me about her son. This all sounded promising (an auntie who actually likes me for me!) but then one day she mentioned her son's name and my heart sank. A couple of years ago, my uncle had suggested this guy for me, but when he broached the suggestion to the guy and his dad, they refused to consider me as a prospective as my parents are not of a high enough educational background apparently (they both have degrees and jobs, but they wanted them to be 'professionals'). So either the auntie had different views from her husband or son, or had changed them. Anyway, nothing came of it.

I was also in contact with someone on a Muslim matrimonial site who someone had recommended I contact. He was a paediatrician, divorced and bitter sounding, and seemed to have a long list of exacting standards of how people should conduct themselves. However, nothing came of this either. (I think it was after he told me how his family were all major academics and medics, and I told him my family were a mixture, he stopped replying - rude!). I don't understand how people can be so snobbish about someone who they haven't had a proper conversation with, never mind met.

Anyway, a while ago my cousin told me her friend had suggested that I would be a good match for her brother. I didn't hear any more about it until recently. The family came over to visit and the guy and his family seemed nice. There have been a few emails back and forth between me and the guy and another meeting of the families has been planned. I'm going to keep doing dua that God gives me the ability to make good decisions and judgements, stay relaxed and see how it goes. There are a couple of things about him and his family that are unique - things I hadn't considered before, that I need to find out more about, but I'm happy that someone who seems nice hasn't immediately dismissed me as a prospect for shallow reasons - and that the guy's mum treated me with warmth and respect Alhamdulillah - even if this goes nowhere, I'm glad that there are people like that out there.

Update

Salaam,

things are much the same. I am still very much feeling down, dissatisfied and despairing about what little I've achieved in life, and what my personality is like - I'm even boring myself. I think I need to seriously address my self esteem problems and my lack of assertiveness. I've learned that the biggest changes in my life have always come after feeling like I've hit rock bottom. So I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Ramadan is a light and I can't wait for the opportunities and spiritual experiences there. I need to focus and improve.

There was another rishta that came - the guy was nice enough but even though he was the same age, he just seemed very young and inexperienced with life - he just wasn't compatible. For the first time in my history of rishtas, the guy's mum was lovely - she was chatting to me without interrogating or looking me up and down, and she spoke english with me - joy of joys! If I was going to pick a mother in law, it would be someone like her. The family were nice too - they came exactly at the time that they said they would come - which was also a first, and I didn't have a sense of dread before it - which is extremely rare for me too. The whole thing was pretty painless to be honest - even though none of my sisters were there to keep me company during it, I thing I held my own quite well for once. The guy's mum phoned a couple of days after the visit to say that her husband (who hadn't come for the visit) had done istikhara and it was a 'no' - but she said it was lovely meeting us and was happy to have met a nice family - very polite of her.

So apart from that I've been getting rejections from people on matchmaking sites on the basis of my photos, and to be honest, I haven't been very good at replying to the messages I do get from time to time since I have such a low level of trust for people on these sites now due to past experience

I'm hoping that my next post will be more positive inshaAllah

Musing on.....struggling

I'm still struggling to cope with life. And there is no news on the rishta front, as usual. I don't really mind - I'm struggling with myself at the moment and I need to sort myself out before searching again. Maybe part of the reason it hasn't happened  is because I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I just don't have that much interest in the rishta thing at the moment. Besides, I think I am officially considered a spinster now - a write off. At social gatherings, people no longer joke with me now that 'It's your turn next....' - they awkwardly bypass me and address the younger women. The first time it happened, I barely registered it, but it's happened a couple more times now. My 30th birthday will be towards the end of the year inshaAllah, and I think I'm having a midlife crisis. Actually in all honesty I'm a bit dramatic so large phases of my life have been 'a crisis' lol.

I'm struggling with socialising (I'm writing a separate post on this)

I'm struggling with the fact that some of the people I love are ill. Seriously ill.  It's not just the person themselves that has to cope but their spouse, kids and all the other relatives. It hurts everyone. It's difficult to know how often to visit, how to act. Too cheerful and it seems like you don't care or aren't acknowledging it. Too serious and you put a downer on everything.

I'm struggling career-wise. I have very little savings and the nature of my job is that I work sporadically and not very many hours - and have to find another job for about 4 months of the year. I'm not even that good at it. But I enjoy it and have a few years experience of it now. I have considered a career change a few times but have never gone through with it. I am a bit more realistic about what I can do and what I want to do now though. I think.

I'm struggling with my health. Certain things have been ruled out from the blood tests that were run. But I'm still having problems. My GP suggested it was stress. Stress??? My life is a comfortable one. My job isn't demanding. The people I don't get on so well with, I don't have to deal with very often. So I don't feel "stressed". I think I probably have a high baseline level of anxiety but don't know if that's the same thing? Or maybe I'm just a hypochondriac! I don't know.

I'm struggling with apathy. My response to most things is 'ok'. I don't get angry about things, or upset, which is good. But I don't get super happy or enthusiastic about things, and have lost a lot of my sense of humour.

I'm struggling with balance, with motivation,, with getting things done. I have so many things I want to get done but I don't know where to start, or how much of each one to do. I'm scared to move and I'm scared to stay still. And I waste time by worrying about time.

I'm struggling with self esteem. I feel like a failure.

I'm struggling with the fact that so much is changing. I can't seem to keep up, let alone progress.

I say all of this, and I feel guilty that I have so much to be grateful for, but I'm so unhappy and unsatisfied - and it feels worse that I know that most of my problems are self inflicted.

I have a tendency towards depression - I have been swallowed up by it before, and I now recognise the signs and feelings that come before it - and how to nip it in the bud. But it's difficult. I'm struggling to find the strength and motivation to fight it off. I'm tired - physically and emotionally. People tend to think of it as laziness and there are a lot of people with a 'pull up your sleeves and get on with things/get over it' mentality, which doesn't help.

The way I see it, we're like actors in a play. We've been given a rough idea of our roles and our script, but our main job is to perform to the best of our abilities. When we don't, it not only affects us, but all our fellow 'actors and actresses'.

The thing is, though, that because of my faith, there is no option to run away from problems - I can't forget about them by using alcohol or drugs  - to self medicate as a coping mechanism, and I can't just stay in bed and hide from the world under the covers hibernating (even though I really, really want to sometimes!) because I have to pray my daily prayers. I have to keep family ties, which forces me to socialise. I have to keep my word - so if a friend asks me to meet, I have to, even if I feel like I can't face it. I have to go to my Islamic classes. I have to behave as normal so my family doesn't have another thing to have to worry about. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and walking forward - to keep going: the trick is to keep breathing.*

I am reminded of this hadith, which is what I have always aspired to, and hope to be able to achieve:

“How amazing is the affair of the believer. There is good for him in everything and that is for no one but the believer. If good times come his way, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him, and if hardship comes his way, he endures it patiently and that is better for him.”

[Muslim]

*A book whose title keeps popping into my mind recently.

Back again

Time has flown by and crawled by simultaneously for me for the last few months. I feel like I can't gauge it.

Rishta wise, same old situation. I've signed up with the local mosque matchmaking service, who, on reviewing my filled in form, said they were glad that I was 'flexible', but asked me if I was sure I wouldn't consider someone not born in the UK? Someone Algerian? Someone born in Pakistan? My answer was a diplomatic 'only in exceptional circumstances.' - the older I get, the more I want commonality, familiarity, home-ness (not back home-ness). Another of my cousins is looking into someone for me.

I have been struggling with some health issues - feeling tired and sore. I've been referred to a clinic, so will see how things go. Other health issues have cropped up too and are starting to bother me, and I'll need to get those checked up too.

I've been struggling to cope in general in all honesty. I've been dragging myself through the days, and finding the simple things overwhelming. I want to hibernate. I've realised part of this feeling is seasonal. In the summer I have so much hope for the future - so many plans.I run around, busy and inspired. By the winter I realise I've been running on the spot - I haven't achieved anything and I'm in the same old place. I don't know what to do. I have a problem with low self esteem and just can't see myself doing anything else. There are some little things though.

I help teach kids Quranic Arabic. I love the kids and I enjoy teaching them, but every week I struggle with myself to go. A few times I've made excuses not to, and justified it to myself. I realise it's self sabotage in some way. I think I'm scared of commitment/responsibility maybe? I have been getting help with my own Quranic recitation too, and it's a great feeling alhumdulillah.

I realised I'd been avoiding friends for months on end, so spent the last week getting back in contact and arranging meet-ups. I'm amazingly lucky to have the people in life that I do.

I have family weddings to go to - ones that I can really look forward to, have a laugh planning things, parties where I can get dressed up and let my hair down, .

I know this post was a bit jumbled, and probably a bit self pitying - I just needed to vent. I would really appreciate some duas too!