Salaam.
So, another cousin tried to set up a rishta for me. It started well - we exchanged (for once, it was a two way thing - I think this was helped by my cousin making it clear it was an exchange, and not just a one way thing) profiles, and from his profile, it was clear his heart seemed to be in the right place, he gave a decent amount of information etc and when his mum talked to my mum, she seemed pleasant and polite, saying that she wanted to make sure I was OK with the guy's profile before going ahead. There were a couple of concerns - that the guy works part time and didn't seem clear on where he wanted to be, or have any interests or passions, and that he had a very quiet nature - not a problem in itself, but a lot of times this can be because the guy doesn't have a lot of confidence. Also something that I've only realised recently is a red flag - he mentioned certain negative things about himself that could be offputting. As I mentioned in one of my 'advice' posts, this was in my opinion one of the signs he wasn't really interested in marriage
This has only happened once before, but, I had a really bad feeling from the start that I was going to feel trapped. I think I have become quite good at reading between the lines of guys' profiles, because a lot of what I picked up from and felt negative about turned out to be a reality. I wouldn't have minded being proved wrong and for things to have all worked out great :/
My family however, had high hopes for this one - because it was a recommendation from someone we so respect. My Dad told me to be more friendly and relaxed with the family - to fit in better. My Mum was really annoyed at me that I was feeling negative, and felt that it showed I was being ungrateful for a good opportunity.
Their family came to visit - the guy, his parents and his brother with wife and 2 year old.
I went in with a tray of drinks (I have had so much practise at this I could now probably run lengths of the living room carrying a tray with glasses and drinks on it steadily, maybe even twirling the tray on my index finger like basketball players do with a basketball lol) and got warm salaams and hugs from the guy's mum and sister in law, who I had a short, friendly conversation with. Shortly after retreating back to the kitchen, it was time to talk to the guy alone (well, with the kitchen door wide open and my sister and Mum going in and out of the kitchen to do things). The guy was quite shy and softly spoken. Some things that made me a bit uneasy:
- He didn't take his waterproof jacket off the whole time and had his hands folded and legs crossed almost the whole time. Hmm. The answer to every few questions contained 'I did/didn't do such and such because my Mum wanted me to' or 'because my Mum thinks...'. The guy was 30.
- He said he wanted a 1-2 year engagement so he could decide whether he wanted to get more religious, or if he wanted to travel etc. Hmm.
- When I asked what he got up to with the 5 days a week he has free, he said he was bored and didn't have much to do, but later on in the conversation, when I asked if he wanted to go to any Islamic classes, he said he didn't really have time because of his job. Hmm.
- He seemed to bristle when I talked about deen. Also, he kind of said that how much his spouse was involved in deen wasn't a top priority to him, and he didn't mind and didn't want to be judgemental. What people usually say is that they want their partner to be religious so they can encourage them, and be a good parent to children.
- He had a little monologue about how he'd want someone who could accept his faults (OK, fair enough, don't we all) but then he went on for a bit about how everyone has made mistakes and he'd made mistakes, but he'd want people to be ok with them. Hmm
- He didn't mention anything about settling down, or kids at any point
- When I asked what his dealbreakers were, he said there were none - this usually means that a) the guy hasn't thought about it enough to know what they are for him or b) he's telling fibs
- I felt like he kept looking at my chest
- When I asked if there was a difference between what he'd be looking for in a wife, and what his parents would look for in a daughter in law, he said he would like someone he could have a good time with, and his Mum would like someone who could help with the cooking and laundry
- None of the family members talked to each other at all really - there seemed to be some tension.
- After the visit, my Dad said he thought the guy didn't seem 'all there'. On reflection, I have to agree - something was just a bit off
- A couple of days after the visit, the guy's Mum called to ask what we thought. My Mum told her that I'd had some concerns and that there didn't seem to be much compatibility but thanked her for coming and gave her salaams and duas. She called again the next day to say that she'd told off her son about some of the things that he'd said, and that my Mum could pass his email address so I could tell him off too and work things out and get to know each other! It was quite funny and sad, really. She then tried to convince my Mum that we were a perfect match. And failed. My poor Mum - I could hear the conversation from the next room and it sounded so awkward and went on for a while.
I was really relieved when it was all over, and that my family agreed with my opinions. One of the things that I realised was that I found the lack of passion and goals in this rishta really unattractive. The thing is, I have those qualities too in certain aspects of my life, and it's made me re-evaluate myself and try to sort myself out in terms of career goals - I'm really floundering and feeling a bit lost about what I should do about it - which direction I should go in.
I can now conceivably imagine a choice of two negative futures for myself: (I know it could be much worse - but I'm being realistic)
1) I stay single forever. My parents don't like cats so I'll have a selection of imaginary cats and
these that I talk to.
2) A marriage of convenience that makes me miserable (think Charlotte from pride and prejudice - see
this and
this. But it won't be for financial stability, since people with that quality wouldn't consider me, but just for marriage and the possibility of kids). I see a scenario where I'm with someone I find hideously unattractive (he makes Quasimodo look like Johnny Depp to me!) who lives at home, mooching off his parents (who are obese, lazy and falsely claiming benefits) and driving everyone nuts. He doesn't do much for them but says he loves them, so he says I should be devoted to them too - I have to cook for them all day, with them constantly making demands and interfering and at night, I have to pumice the corns off their feet (which are stomach churningly smelly, and infected with athlete's foot and various other things).They hate my guts because they think their darling prince could have done so much better. They are literally the desi version of Roald Dahl's 'The Twits'. We never move into our own place, have no role in the community and live far away from my own family, who I see once every five years. His brother and sister in law (an evil and lazy woman) stay at home too, plus their army of spoilt kids, so I have to wear my headscarf all the time, and never stop cleaning up poo and vomit.
OK, I'm being tongue in cheek dramatic lol, but I definitely feel things are looking quite bleak
Ahhh that was actually quite fun. Option 2 is what scares me about marriage, and compromising too much.It's what I see when I look at a rishta I don't like. I guess I feel like if you choose to knowingly marry someone you're not happy with, you'll blame yourself and ruin your life. I feel like it would destroy my iman. However, maybe if I flip things round, and envisage a good marriage, and whether a prospective rishta would fit into it, I'll be better off - after all.
mental imagery is one of the techniques athletes use to succeed.
The main thing I find painful is the idea of not ever having kids - there are a lot of new babies to visit lately and I turn to mush every time I hold one, even though I don't envy the Mum's exhaustion and pain! When you see that innocence, purity and helplessness, it brings out the deepest duas.
Anyway, it seems that the choices of guys seem to be people who are impossibly fussy, or people who there is something not right with. And it seems that people are shocked at the audacity I have in having an opinion and saying no to a rishta, or having any criteria -
"beggars can't be choosers". The whole search now feels like a joke, not something that could realistically lead to marriage.
Saying all that, I know that
“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…” (al-Baqarah: 286) and I have to trust that what's happening in my life is His Divine plan that is best for me. “And seek help in patience and prayer…” [al-Baqarah; 45] inshaAllah
I have been working on my bucket list (things I definitely want to do before I die) - some of what I've done is: started learning to swim, to ride a bike, to sew and have been training to run 5k (couch to 5k) and increase my spiritual wellbeing through more prayers, fasting, Islamic classes and replacing listening to music with listening to Islamic talks. There are definitely so many more things to work on, especially before Ramadhan. I'm praying for all us single Muslims out there, and if other people pray for me too, may Allah grant them abundance in good (ameen!)
